10 Warning Signs You Have a Trauma Bond Relationship

Sure, a magnetic attraction can be a great thing — but when the attraction feels so intense and so compelling that you find yourself feeling overwhelmed by it, you may want to take pause. As Jones explains, “This kind of attraction will often create feelings of excitement, but also anxiety.”

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“Enjoy the excitement of a new relationship, but take the time to really get to know the other person,” she adds. “Trauma bonding can feel very good at first and it can masquerade as love, but in reality, it is an unhealthy attachment that binds people together in destructive patterns.”

Fools rush in. “You’ll notice things happen fast in the relationship and you find yourself falling head over feet right away — jumping in without much thought,” says Jones.

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Reflect on the potential root of your hurry to form a bond. “Be aware of your own hurts in childhood,” explains Jones. “We have all been hurt and have some sort of attachment wounds. This does not mean anything is wrong with you — you are human, and every human incurs some wounds along the way.”

Feeling a little too in your feelings lately? “You may find you’re running on emotions all the time without taking a moment to really think and reflect on the relationship,” says Jones.

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“Go to a therapist to better understand your attachment wounds. The more aware we are of ourselves and our past hurts, the less likely we are to fall into an unconscious pattern of destructive behaviours and choices.” This isn’t exclusive to shy, introverted types, either. Explains Jones, “Even a high-functioning person who is unaware of their attachment wounds can fall down the rabbit hole of an abusive relationship with a malignant narcissist, and they may not even realize it’s happening. No “type” of person is immune to the potential for a trauma bond.”

As Jones explains, “The relationship is filled with highs and lows, but you find yourself feeling consistently worse about who you are over time, rather than feeling better.”

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Consider the source. “Pay attention to your partner’s childhood and attachment wounds. Are they aware of their own hurts and patterns?” This, explains Jones, is why it is crucial to really get to know someone, including important details about their childhood and past relationships, in order to have some advance insight as to any patterns in their behaviour. Self-awareness is key on both ends, especially as it relates to our past experiences: “The roots of attachment wounds are often in childhood and usually involve an insecure attachment with a loved one. This is the template of a trauma bond.”

The blame game is in effect, and it seems you’re the only one playing. As Jones explains, “When your partner gets angry, you feel as if the sky is falling. You blame yourself right away and tell yourself it is your fault, and you must have done something wrong to cause the issue.”

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“Is your partner able to take responsibility for their own behaviours?," Jones asks. "If your partner is always blaming others for their problems, they may be a narcissist with no sense of self awareness.”

This red flag is all about recognizing just how complacent and insecure you’ve become in the relationship, to the point of absorbing whatever comes your way without any pushback. “When your partner belittles, or name calls you, and you do not stand up for yourself — this is indicative of a toxic relationship,” says Jones.

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“Sometimes a hidden or unknown emotional wound can make someone vulnerable to being exploited by others,” Jones says. The takeaway here? Do the work to understand your own behaviours and motivations, before investing in someone who may not have your best intentions in mind. Trust your gut!" she adds. “If it feels too good to be true — it probably is! Don’t jump straight in just because it feels good and then ignore warning signs because you want to hold onto the good times.”

In an effort to keep the other person happy, how much of yourself are you giving up in the process? “Conflict in the relationship is very stressful for you and you do whatever you can to make it stop. You give in to your partner’s wishes and suppress your own needs just to get the conflict to stop,” Jones says.

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“Practice saying 'no' in the relationship," Jones suggests. "See how the person handles it when you draw a boundary — are they respectful or do they disregard the boundaries you’ve set?”

You’re working overtime just to keep your partner’s name out of the mud. As Jones explains, “You may find yourself minimizing and flat-out denying hurtful behaviours by your partner in order to uphold their positive image.”

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Love yourself more and check out of the fantasy. “Are you projecting a wish upon someone and not seeing them for who they really are? Do a reality check on yourself and the relationship,” Jones suggests.

If the success of your relationship is based on your determination to change them into a “better person” — then consider this your wake-up call. As Jones says, “You mistakenly think you can change your partner with love and support. You feel your love will somehow save them and then they will finally appreciate and value you.”

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“A person who is unaware of their own past wounds is vulnerable and attracts narcissists like a bee to honey," she adds. "You may get caught in a dynamic with a covert narcissist who initially presents like a fantasy lover and then turns out to be the devil in disguise.” Recognize your own emotional fragilities to better understand why you may be drawn to certain toxic traits in others and break the pattern.

If talking down to yourself has become a habit, consider the source of your newfound negativity. “You suddenly have a lot of negative self speak inside your head and constantly doubt you are good enough for your partner," Jones says.

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Never diminish your own self-worth in a bid to please others, or you’ll leave yourself open to toxic relationships. No one should have the power to validate your self-worth other than you. “If someone has a pattern of having to get approval to feel love, they may find themselves in a relationship with a narcissist who will exploit their emotional vulnerability to their own advantage," Jones says.