Warning Signs You're in an Abusive Relationship With Yourself

When it comes to conversations around self-abuse, many of the red flags resemble those associated with verbal or physical abuse at the hands of another person. In essence, we are bullying ourselves, making ourselves feel unworthy of love and happiness. This behaviour can stem from a variety of factors that are deeply personal for each individual. But the majority of the symptoms — depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, lack of self-worth — stem from these internal one-way chats we have with ourselves. While we can be incredibly cruel to ourselves as a result, we often neglect its harmful side effects — after all, it’s all words and behaviours we’re doing to ourselves, right? No one is getting hurt. Except that someone is: you. It can, however, be incredibly difficult to notice the sign if it’s a behaviour we’ve honed over the years.

As Toronto-based emotional stress coach Anna Betel points out, “While we often want to have purposeful thoughts, when we find our actions and behaviours not in line with that, it leads to a conflict of our inner world. When your behaviour is self-sabotaging, that means something is going on [inside] that is not in line with what you say you want or what you’re planning on doing.”

To help balance negative self-talk with thoughtful intensions, Betel practices Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) with her clients. A popular meditative tool, it’s also referred to as “tapping” and triggers high-stress areas of the body where we carry our anxiety and tension. “It’s really a mind-body technique,” she explains. “Stress is something that we think about a lot and it gets triggered by how we perceive the world. [EFT] uses acupressure points with your fingers to stimulate [certain areas] while tuning into an issue that is causing you stress or discomfort. It relaxes your body by tapping on these points, thereby teaching your body a different way to react to something you typically have a stress response around. That’s a way to rewire your brain to have a different way to deal with what you’re experiencing with.”

Not sure if your behaviour patterns fall under the self-abuse category? Here’s how to read the warning signs.

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You blame yourself for everything

We've all played the "blame game" at various points in our lives – but one of the biggest red flags of self-abuse is routinely heaping all that blame on one person: yourself. Do you blame yourself for everything that has gone wrong in your life? Whether big or small, resting that kind of weight on your shoulders can do damage to your self-esteem and make you feel unworthy or love, affection or even happiness. Instead, gently remind yourself that you can't control everything in your life and that, more often than not, the situation at hand is not your fault.

“If you find yourself saying something to yourself you wouldn’t say to a friend or even a stranger, that’s something to be aware of,” Betel says. “You have to catch yourself because it starts to feel so normal you don’t even realize you’re doing it. It’s negative, it’s punishing.”

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Name-calling and self-harm

One of the more overt signs of self-abuse is threatening suicide or self-harm. Whether you have a history of mental illness or struggle with ideas around self-worth, you need to be aware of these negative thought patterns. Reach out to your closest confidant or a medical professional who can help you work through these painful emotions. This type of self-abuse can often stem from a history of name-calling. Do you constantly berate yourself and refer to yourself in hurtful, derogatory ways? This thought pattern can spiral, leading you to find other ways to punish yourself.

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Setting unreasonable expectations for yourself

You might be unaware that you’re even doing it, but holding yourself to higher and unrealistic set of standards can do serious damage on your psyche. We all have the tendency to compare ourselves to one another, especially in the age of social media, but we often need to remind ourselves that others are also struggling with their own battles — no one is perfect or happy all the time. When you look at yourself in the mirror, or spend time contemplating life in your room, do you say hateful, hurtful things to yourself that you’d never even dream of saying to your worst enemy? Think about this: if you made the same comments you made to yourself to your closest friend, would that friend call you out as a bully? Treat yourself as you would the most important person in your life.

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Isolation

Although the world has changed a lot in recent months, with many of us battling anxieties over social-isolation and COVID-19, there are still plenty of fulfilling ways we can connect with our loved ones via outdoor strolls or virtual game nights. If, in the thick of the pandemic, you’ve only further isolated yourself it' time to ask yourself why. Are you trying to cut yourself off from positivity and support from loved ones? Sometimes, when we’re in the thick of self-abusive thoughts, the last thing we want is someone breaking us out of our cycle of negativity and anger. Resist the urge to go into hibernation mode and reach out the people you’re closest to.

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Pushing yourself to extremes

“If you find yourself engaging in activities that you know are bad for you but you justify it away, that’s another sign,” Betel points out.

We’ve all done things we’ve come to regret over the years, but continually putting yourself at risk in an attempt to find your self-worth is a worrying sign. Examples include embarking on dangerous fitness regimens that involve drastic weight loss or working overtime at your job in an attempt to quiet the voices in your head telling you that you’re not doing enough. If your quest for self-worth involves trying to be perfect at every turn without allowing yourself time to relax and be fully human, this is a concerning sign.

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Self-punishment

This can come in many forms — from isolating yourself from relationships because you feel unworthy, physical harm or neglect of daily hygiene. These are all significant, and alarming, signs of self-abuse. You might feel as though you’re teaching yourself a "lesson", but you’re only further hurting your body and mind.

“Everyone is striving for happiness all the time, but then you’re setting yourself up for failure,” Betel says. “The human condition is 50/50 — we’re supposed to have what we term 'negative emotions.' How you get out of it is where the emphasis should be.”