10 Signs You’re Emotionally Unavailable for Relationships

While we may all go through periods in our lives when we just can’t deal or don’t have enough emotional bandwidth to incorporate others deeply into our lives (perhaps because we’re burned out ourselves or focused on getting our own lives in order), navigating this way as our default setting over the long haul may stunt our ability to grow as people and to grow in our relationships.

You might still care for the relationship and your partner, but you may have trouble reworking your life to truly incorporate your partner into it in a meaningful way. Essentially, your attention and emotional resources are still very much invested in a way that prioritizes your individual needs above the collective needs of your relationship.

While some of this is connected to attachment theory (itself rooted in developmental psychology) lack of emotional availability doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person or that you’re doing this intentionally, it can nevertheless hold you back from deeper bonds, if these are your ultimate goal.

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1 / 10

You haven’t been in a serious relationship for a while

While this alone may not mean you are emotionally unavailable, it could be one of the signs. Take stock of your relationship history and ask yourself when was the last time you genuinely connected to and cared for someone. Can’t remember? This could be a first sign that you've developed a coping mechanism to keep others at bay and it's known as avoidant attachment style or even its cousin, the fearful-avoidant.

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2 / 10

You keep things super light and casual

King or Queen of Small Talk, you prefer to err on the side of “fun,” when really, it comes down to keeping people at arm’s length. If relationship dynamics are super spontaneous, and light, you don’t really have to grapple with too much intimacy or the messy parts of relationships – the parts that take genuine commitment and dive into hard emotional topics.

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3 / 10

When people try to get close, you feel boxed in

You feel a pressing urge to get away and be free and may fear losing yourself and your independence when others draw near or "become too clingy". For this reason, you prefer to always keep your options open. It’s simply easier to not care that way.

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4 / 10

You move through relationships at break-neck speed

You jump (neigh, cannon-ball) into relationships head-first. It's passionate and intense and that's because you move fast; in other words, you can't be bothered with getting to know someone over a longer period of time. It's a now-or-never mindset, that ultimately implodes in on itself because you simply can't condense long-term relationships into short timelines.

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5 / 10

You avoid making plans for more than the immediate future

Plans sound enticing when they’re far off in the future, but as the day draws near, you find yourself wishing to spend your time doing something else. For this reason, you’ve learned to avoid long-term commitments (whether something minor like getting together later in the week or something more substantial, like going on a trip together).

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6 / 10

It’s your way or no way

It’s your shows. Your favourite spots. Your favourite music. The person fits in to your tempo. In other words, the relationship is working so long as it’s on your terms. In fact, come to think of it, you can’t really seem to remember or even know what the other person is really about. Likely ‘cause you probably haven’t even bothered to ask. You aren’t about to go out of your way for someone else – not in any genuine way that counts, at least. Alternately, you feel that you are extending yourself, even when others don’t see it that way.

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7 / 10

You’re evasive

Your communication is spotty at the best of times (yep, you’re the person that leaves things on “read”) and you can be hard to get a hold of... often for little good reason. You may use being busy as an excuse, but let’s be honest... we all have the same 24 hours in a day.

Couple with one person playing an instrument for the other

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8 / 10

Emotions make you uncomfortable

Expressing emotions isn’t your forte and in fact, you find them taxing. For this reason, you avoid talking about them when you can. If worse comes to worse, and you’re confronted with someone’s intrusive emoting, the best you can muster is “me too.” Mirroring of others’ feelings is simply the best you can do right now.

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9 / 10

You’re quick to cut people out

When people don’t meet your (possibly perfectionist) expectations, you’re quick to pull the chute on the relationship and call it quits. It’s just easier that way and you tend to move on quickly.

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10 / 10

Deep down, you don’t trust people

When you really stop to think about it, you don’t put much out because you don’t really expect to have your emotional needs met by someone else (yes, we’re going there). This may be because you’ve been deeply let down in the past, or due to your personal attachment style. But, the good news is, there are steps you can take to trust and be trusted in a relationship.