Optimism vs. Toxic-Positivity: Here’s How to Know the Difference

Is there such a thing as being too positive? Have you ever found yourself pretending to be okay (or even pretending to be great) when you’re not, because you felt pressure to “stay positive”? If your answer is yes, you’re not alone — but it doesn’t have to be that way. While the two ideas may seem interchangeable, there’s a difference between optimism and positivity — and it is possible for fake positivity to turn toxic and affect you negatively.

To help us unpack the difference between optimism and toxic-positivity, we asked for insight from Ariana Fotinakis. By understanding the connections between optimism, positivity and how we feel, Ariana — an intuitive life coach and breathworker — guides us towards a better understanding of how to sit more comfortably with our feelings — so that hope can grow.

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Optimism vs. positivity

The idea of positivity sounds, quite literally, positive — so how can it be a bad thing? Positivity isn’t always toxic, but it can be. As Ariana explains, the difference has a lot to do between dealing with what’s really happening (whether it’s good or bad), versus blindly asserting everything is good (whether it is or isn’t). “Optimism carries a sense of being rooted in the reality of what is, whereas positivity holds the notion that everything is good (even if it isn't),” she explains.

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More room for growth

While it may seem like a good idea to fake-it-till-you-make-it with positivity, a forced positive attitude could be limiting. Blindly pretending that all is good could be holding you back from the opportunity to deal with the bad, and then move forward to a more genuine feeling. “With optimism, I feel there's space to acknowledge that things may not be going exactly how you want,” Ariana says, “while knowing there's potential for improvement in the future.”

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It’s not all black and white

Why do we so often feel swayed to pretend things are okay? It could be that you feel like you have to choose between one or the other. “Our current narrative around positivity leads to this-or-that thinking: something is positive, or it's negative,” explains Ariana.

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It’s OK to not feel OK

The problem with this often-subconscious dichotomy is that it’s scary to admit (even to yourself) that things aren’t going well. As a life coach, Ariana has encountered this issue: “Within my work as a life coach, I've had many individuals come to me feeling bad about feeling bad. They've internalized the belief that if they aren't thinking positively about their situations — even the challenging ones — they're doing something wrong.”

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Find comfort in discomfort

It’s natural to want to avoid unpleasant feelings (no one wants to be sad), but being uncomfortable is a part of life sometimes. When you accept that feeling negative feelings doesn’t make you a bad person, you can start moving forward.

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A change in perspective

Of course, positive thinking can be healthy, as long as you keep in mind that things can be mostly positive — and that it’s OK if your situation and feelings aren’t entirely in one bucket. “When it comes to cultivating healthy, positive thinking, remember that things don't have to be 100 per cent positive 100 per cent of the time,” Ariana explains.

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Embracing the in-between spaces

“My biggest piece of advice for folks experiencing this is to give themselves permission to let go of 'this or that' thinking,” Ariana says. “There can be space for both acknowledging challenges, discomfort and hurt feelings — and for knowing that a valuable lesson may be hiding in these experiences, as well as the fact that the discomfort won't last forever.”

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No fake feelings

As with many things in life, striving for honesty and transparency is often the best way to guide your choices. By purposefully masking your feelings with false positivity, you could risk making what you don’t like worse or more painful in the long-term. “Oftentimes, the more we try to avoid the thoughts or experiences we perceive as negative, the more amplified they'll become,” Ariana notes.

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Strategies for embracing the non-positive

Of course, it’s not likely as simple as just suddenly being okay with the negatives in your life. Instead, approach a healthier way of thinking and explore active ways to guide the process. “Find ways to acknowledge those less-than-positive aspects of life, whether it's through journaling, talking to someone you trust or giving yourself permission to feel what's wanting to be felt,” Ariana sasy.

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How to support healthy thinking — through the good and bad

Applying optimism to a negative situation isn’t easy, but you can use healthy thinking strategies and questioning to illuminate positive elements (like a valuable life lesson) in a negative situation — without pretending it’s all fine. As Ariana explains, “Give yourself as much space as you need to process the experience, and then when it feels right to you, explore the positives.” In the end, it seems that it’s important to give yourself permission to not be positive all the time — you’re human, after all. “Through all of this, the biggest takeaway is to remember that healthy positive thinking does not negate the very legitimate human experience of the ups, downs and in-betweens of life,” Ariana says.