Here’s How Not to Ghost Someone

It’s time to give up the ghost(ing). Relationships are complicated — whether it’s a few digital dates, a lingering will-they-or-won’t-they situation, a long-term romance or even a friendship; it’s always your right to set boundaries and end them when they no longer serve you. There’s a big difference, however, between closing a chapter with someone and straight-up ghosting them.

Ghosting, in recent dating lexicon, refers to abruptly cutting off communication with someone without explanation and just disappearing into the ether, like a, well, ghost. It’s hurtful, disrespectful and also unfortunately super common. This is especially true now, as relationships during Covid-19 become more isolated and challenging to manage, with less seeming accountability given the limited in-person contact. While ghosting friends or romantic partners may seem like the easier way out, avoiding uncomfortable-but-necessary conversations may come back to haunt you (there goes that ghost reference again). Simply put, it’s just not a kind way to treat others and shows little personal integrity. If you don’t have the capacity to continue a relationship with someone, that’s OK but be brave and communicate that.

For some guidance on how best to do that, try one of these moves instead.

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Instead of silence, try honesty

It’s the great paradox of ghosting: while the result tends to be cruel, the intention of ghosting is often to try to spare someone’s feelings. If you’re tempted to ghost because you care about someone, just tell them the truth. It’s almost always better to hear a truth (even one that’s not in line with what you want) than it is to hear nothing. Without the truth, the person may assume the worst and proceed to fill in the gaps in their mind on their own. If you're not feeling the relationship romantically, just say that.

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Instead of disappearing, try changing lanes

Sometimes, a relationship doesn’t work in one way (like romantically), but could be a healthy friendship. If you don’t want to move forward with a romantic relationship, but really like them, don’t ghost them. Be transparent and ask if changing lanes to a friendship may be something that they want to pursue down the road. While there’s no guarantee that the other person will be down to shift the status of your relationship, you’ll never know if you don’t communicate.

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Instead of blaming someone else, try self-reflection

If you’re ghosting someone for no reason, that could be a sign that you need to take some time to figure out why. Instead of just avoiding a situation entirely, check in with yourself. Perhaps you can’t be with some because you’re not emotionally available for a relationship at the moment. By taking the time to come up with an honest reason why you’re ending a connection so that you can tell the person, you can learn a lot about yourself and save yourself from jumping into similar situations in the future.

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Instead of indecision, try being brief

Not every connection requires a lengthy break-up analysis. If you know right away that something’s not going to work, let the person know, and just get to the point. Sometimes, we may overthink things and cause more drama by ghosting, when a kind-but-succinct couple of sentences could let the other person know what you’re thinking and give them the piece of mind to move on and not waste additional time. Don’t leave someone wondering or worrying over a single date.

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Instead of focusing on yourself, try putting yourself in their shoes

It’s okay to be selfish sometimes, but it can also be all too easy to ghost someone because you completely disregard their feelings. If you’ve ever been ghosted, you know that this lack of basic respect can hurt much worse than learning that someone doesn’t want you in their life. So, if you’re tempted to ghost, take a moment to think about how you’d feel if someone ghosted you. Chances are, if you think from someone else’s perspective, it will motivate you to act right.

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Instead of avoiding confrontation, try using tech

In a perfect world, we would all end relationships with a face-to-face conversation. However, it’s not a perfect world, and no one is perfect. If you’re ghosting because you’re too scared to look someone in the eye, find a way to bridge the gap — even if it’s via an app. It’s better to send a text letting someone know that you’re out than to just disappear with no explanation and leave them wondering and on read for all eternity.

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Instead of going it alone, try asking for help

If you’re on the verge of ghosting someone, here’s a good test: ask a trusted friend for support. Accountability can be motivating when we’re afraid to go the right thing. While no one can have hard conversations for you, knowing that someone will be there for you after can make it a little easier to do the right thing.

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Instead of hiding from your mistakes, try apologizing

Are you ghosting because you know you did something wrong and you’re afraid of someone’s anger? Ghosting only adds insult to injury. Instead, rip the band-aid, tap into your apology language and do the right thing.

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Instead of lies, try authenticity

Making up an elaborate lie is not a hack to ghosting. While it can be tempting to offer a deal-breaker explanation (for example, you may lie and say you’re moving or getting back together with an ex) instead of telling someone that you aren’t interested, this blatant dishonesty is just ghosting in disguise and could backfire. If you run into the person a week later, you look like a liar and they’ll end up more hurt than before.

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Instead of blocking, try talking

Are you ending a relationship because the other person did something that offended or hurt you? While this obviously doesn’t apply if someone did something criminal or dangerous, if your friend or romantic partner did something that put them in a different light to you, it could be better to tell them than to just block them. If the other person doesn’t know what they did wrong, they may repeat the uncool behaviour with others, and they may just think that you’re in the wrong. If you can, have an open conversation instead of just cutting someone off.