Why Digital Dating Is Garbage and Doing Nothing for My Actual Love Life

Locked up at home alone with very clean hands and plenty of time (and energy) to spare — online dating is on the rise. Popular dating apps such as Bumble, Hinge, Tinder and others are seeing a huge usage spike during the COVID-19 pandemic. Bumble has recorded an increase of messages in cities “staying home” while Hinge announced to users that 70% of Hinge users are interested in going on digital dates.

So, as a bored, lonely lesbian does while trying to help flatten the curve of a global pandemic, I started swiping.

Twenty20

1 / 10

I’ve matched with a number of nurses and healthcare professionals

The draw to my profile is obviously my photogenic geriatric beagle. After this cute registered nurse liked a photo of my dog and me, I matched with her — mostly to check in with how she was doing during COVID-19 as a frontline worker. Her stories and insights have been good — and I’m sure we’ll keep in touch as platonic friends — but I don’t see us bumping uglies even when we’re allowed to.

RELATED: 9 times I thought my dog was warning me about my partner (and what he really meant).

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2 / 10

I’ve matched with attractive women who have zero cares about breaking social distancing

As a retired cocktail waitress, there’s a sense of familiarity when it comes to party girls with that sexy bartender aesthetic (read: on-point eye makeup, rocking a crop top, legs for days in tight jeans). Though she nailed the selfie angle — she left much to be desired when she suggested skipping social distancing for a night of shots and “whatever happens”.

SEE ALSO: Crushing in quarantine: This is how to date during COVID-19.

Twenty20

3 / 10

I’ve matched with women I forgot I already dated

More than once, I’ve matched with women I’ve previously gone on dates with — and one I’d already slept with. Lipstick stains aside, a deep dive into the memory was required to figure out why I bailed the first time. My commitment issues? No, it was that time she revealed she was poly — already had a girlfriend and was just craving a fresh taste in her mouth.

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4 / 10

I’ve matched with people the algorithm thinks I’m most compatible with

Based on what, I’m still not sure. Can’t say that these conversations have been any better than the matches at random. Hopes were high while engaging with these potential connections — as I figured if there was even a bit of a vibe, it’d help me get over the very real life crush I have on yet another straight girl who will leave my heart bloodied and bruised.

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5 / 10

I’ve matched with people with no jobs

A harsh reminder that folks in services considered “non essential” are out of work right now. While my heart bleeds for them, it still makes it awkward when we talk about our days — she finished the new lesbian show Feel Good while I’ve been surviving working from home and video chat meetings. If we end up going on a proper date, I’ve already accepted I’ll be the one financing it.

RELATED: Working from home: Creating a daily routine to boost mood and productivity.

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6 / 10

I’ve matched with girls with great photos who look entirely different on FaceTime

While folks advise against posting photos with filters on dating profiles to avoid an awkward first meet — it turns out that someone can also look entirely different on FaceTime. Maybe it was the angle? Maybe it was the lighting? Maybe I need to stop swiping on people who look like they could be a Disney princess based on their photo selects of themselves.

Twenty20

7 / 10

I’ve matched with single moms who bring their kids to our first digital dates

Which is fair — because it’s a glimpse into what would be “our future”. But let’s be honest, it’s hard to attempt that perfect intersection of cute and sexy when there is a small child grabbing at the device that’s hosting this “date”.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: 20 celebrity single moms who are totally inspiring.

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8 / 10

I’ve matched with bi-curious straight girls who have never talked to a real lesbian before

Back when this used to happen at a bar, it was easy to just dance away. Depending on my mood, I’ll either help chat them through their feelings (like a very unofficial therapist), I’ll indulge them as a lesbian gate keeper and try to usher them through the doors or, as my actual therapist suggested, let them know that I’m interested in a longterm, sustainable relationship and don’t have the capacity to support their experimentation right now.

RELATED: 10 signs you might be sexually curious.

Twenty20

9 / 10

I’ve matched with a girl who wanted casual sext

A few months back, I let my coworker friend re-work my profile — she set a “thirst trap” — and it seems that works. On the flip side, posting thirst traps, it turns out, may attract ladies who enjoy sending sexually explicit notes right into your inbox. I’m no prude — and guess what? I read femme slash lesbian fanfictions. I can play this game too.

RELATED: 10 signs you're actually the top in your relationship.

Chloe Tse

10 / 10

I have turned off notifications on Hinge, Her and the rest

It’s like the same pool of people on all the apps — with the same photos, just in different orders — and the same few blurbs about themselves. So, like a typical lesbian, I’ve been sending and receiving semi-flirty messages with a number of my exes (which isn’t hard, when you’ve dated half of Toronto throughout the years).

Online dating is garbage and I’ve made peace that I’ll die alone (with many dogs).

RELATED: Why the best sleep of your life happens with your dog (and not your boyfriend!)

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