Can Exes Still Be Friends? Here’s What You Need to Do First

Although this might seem counterproductive, if you have any hope of maintaining a friendship with your ex you need to sever all ties immediately — at least temporarily so you both adjust to life without daily contact. "There should definitely be communication between the two people for feelings of resolution as to why the relationship is ending, but I think after that they should not be in any kind of contact for awhile," says Dr. Natasha Sharma, creator of The Kindness Journal. "The reason for this is that it makes it far more difficult to end a relationship for one or both people if they don't fully end their contact." Resist the urge to text, call or poke around on social media accounts — in fact, it's probably best to completely remove one another from Facebook and Instagram for the time being. Put yourself — your feelings and priorities — first, without comparisons to your ex.

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Often, when we split up with a partner we're tempted to finalize the separation with a casual (or pleading), "we can still be friends, right?" Letting someone go after they've spent years as our closest confidante is never easy, but we should resist the temptation to ask for their continued friendship while in the midst of a breakup. Space and healing is needed first. "I don't think you can end the relationship with the guarantee that it'll become a successful platonic one," Dr. Sharma cautions. "That doesn't mean you have to end contact forever, but I think a platonic friendship shouldn't be the end goal — it should be a desire; something that people naturally, in time, will do if it makes sense." Instead, focus on your priorities, needs and self-love as you readjust to life as a single person.

Although there's no set time period that you should be out of contact with a former partner, pay close attention to your feelings and emotions as you adjust to life without your ex. "Even if a couple wasn't well-suited or they fought a lot, there are a lot of mixed emotions that come with a breakup," Dr. Sharma says. "There are many healthy negative emotions that come with a breakup and you need to move through those to a place of neutral indifference before you can think about striking up a friendship." One day, you might wake up and find that you no longer harbour any romantic feelings for your former partner, which is an important indication that you might be ready to consider something platonic.

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That being said, just because you've moved on to a place "neutral indifference" it doesn't mean your former partner is in the same head space emotionally — so you just might have to wait even longer to strike up a potential friendship based on their timeline for healing. After all, everyone grieves differently. It's something Dr. Sharma has encountered a lot in her practice. "I've counselled so many individuals who I've tried to help understand the inadvertent harm they are doing when they know the other person feels more for them...and has all this hope that their platonic friendship will turn into something more." If you truly care about your ex and value their friendship, you will politely bow out and wait until they are ready.

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One of the most important things Dr. Sharma suggests that you do after a breakup is question your motivations for potentially remaining friends with your ex. "What are your reasons for becoming friends with them?" she asks. "What value do they offer you as friends that they didn't offer you as a partner? It's worth questioning." It might seem like a difficult task to undetake at first, but Dr. Sharma points out that the period after a breakup is one of the most pivotal times to reflect on feelings and intentions. "We need to be honest with ourselves and make sure there is no false hope behind our actions — the hope that the relationship might be rekindled."

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If there are kids in the picture, there are a few different tactics you can try in order to remain on friendly terms for the sake of your family. "Communicate from a place of shared love and concern for the well-being of your children," Dr. Sharma suggests. "It's easier to communicate in a friendly-like manner when that's the main thing on your mind. That common love for your child can do a lot to push aside the baggage and help you stay focused on being, at minimum, neutral and polite to one another." And, even if the breakup was incredibly difficult, try not to put your kids in the middle of it if you hold out on any hope of having a stable co-parenting unit with your ex. The kids should always be the No.1 priority. After all, these celebrities are doing it.

There are those who posit that remaining friends with exes comes a little more naturally to the LGBTQ+ community. Perhaps we can chalk it up to restrictive heteronormative mores when it comes to the dating world. "I have counselled a number of individuals from the community and I have seen it be very difficult for former partners to be friends, but I think it really comes down to the specific couple," Dr. Sharma says. "But speaking very generally, I think there is a little more flexibility — a more open mindset — in what a relationship means." For many heterosexual couples, the idea of remaining on intimate terms with ex-partner or creating long-term familial ties with them seems unattainable. But those in the LGBTQ+ community point to the fact many have lost family and friends after they've come out and can't necessarily rely on the families they were born into. Instead, they've chosen to band together and put in the work that comes with maintaining close ties with an ex-partner.