How to Tap into Your Apology Language and Use it to Make Your Relationships Stronger

One of the key lessons children are taught in school as part of their character development involves knowing to say sorry when they’ve done something wrong. However, it’s one thing to simply say “sorry” and move on, and a whole other thing to actually repair the damage done. For this reason, it’s important to understand the magnitude of your damage. After all, when you break your friend’s plate, does saying sorry magically put it back together? Similarly, meaningful apologies are anything but simple, and whenever possible, should be done in-person. Here is a breakdown of the five apology languages, so you can see which one resonates most with you.

According to Dr. Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas, just as with the love languages, there are different apology styles, and it can be helpful to know and understand which one resonates most with you.

In this style, you focus on taking ownership of your impact on another person, much as with the first slide. But you also dive deeper, and consider how you might have handled the situation better. Accepting responsibility means you aren’t using distancing language that removes you from the wrong, by using minimizing language such as, “I’m sorry you feel this way.”

“I am sorry I let you down and didn’t handle this as well as I should have. I’ve picked up some unhealthy coping mechanisms over the years, and need to find healthier outlets to deal with my issues.”

With this apology style, you are focusing on your remorse by emphasizing words such as “I am sorry”.

“I am sorry. I wish I handled that differently, and didn’t drink as much as I did at your birthday.”

In this style, you focus on making amends to the injured person. You consider how they’ve been wronged, and planned steps for what you can do now to make it up to them.

“I am sorry I ruined your special night. Please let me make it up to you by taking you out for dinner.”

In this apology style, you recognize your changed behaviour towards the aggrieved person. You focus on communicating how you’ve changed, and why the problematic behaviour won’t happen again.

“I’ve given a lot of thought to my choices that night, and see why what I did was wrong. That was really hurtful and shitty of me. I would like another chance at our friendship, if you’d give me the opportunity.”

This style focuses on acknowledging that there has been an unfair shift in the power dynamics of your relationship (by your wrongdoing), and that you are now ceding this power by recognizing forgiveness for your wrong lies with the wronged party.

“I am sorry for the way I behaved that night. Nothing excuses what I did, but can you find it in your heart to forgive me?”