Polyamory 101: Here’s How to Do Alternative Relationships Right

When my 72-year-old mother asked what I was working on, her response was gold. “Everyone should get along, otherwise it won’t be very amorous,” she said with a chuckle. And she’s right. After talking to Jacki Yovanoff, a sexuality and relationship coach and speaker, and Jennifer Gratzfeld, a clinical therapist and social worker, it was clear that non-monogamy relationships are like every relationship, including monogamist or platonic, you have to work at it. Beyond my mom’s tips, here are what the experts had to say about healthy polyamorous relationships.

“We’re all human,” says Yovanoff, about the emotion that can creep up in many different types of relationships, including poly ones. “Jealousy is that ‘check engine light’ that shows you need to look in deeper to see what’s going on.” It’s time to have a talk with your partner or partners. And oftentimes, talking to someone outside of any your romantic relationships can help too.

Often couples will go into poly with rules, shares Yovanoff, because they want to “preserve” the relationship. But she recommends avoiding rules, as they quickly become tricky. They’re more about what you can’t do. Instead, Yovanoff recommends thinking in “boundaries” and “agreements.” Boundaries are your personal deal breakers. Communicate those with all your partners and come to agreements about what will work for all involved.

Both Yovanoff and Gratzfeld, who are also in non-monogamous relationships, say that communication of the type of relationships that work within people’s boundaries are as varied as people themselves. There are couples with recreational relationships, multi-partner relationships with individuals, open and closed poly relationships, and more, including solo polyamory, triad or even throuples, as well as families living together with multiple caregivers for children (multiple moms and dads). Some people like everyone to know each other. And some never meet their partners other partners. And there are some polies who don’t like labels at all.

“These relationships are just as good if not faring better, according to research,” says Yovanoff. “The stigma is that people are uncommitted or unhappy in these relationships. But that is far from reality.”

Again, it comes back to communicating your boundaries and coming together with agreements that work.

“You are not polyamorous if your partners don’t know that you have other partners,” says Gratzfeld. “If you are hiding something that could be a deal breaker, then you have to tell them,” adds Yovanoff. “You want to avoid really shitty behaviour that instigates jealousy and saying, ‘you just have to deal with it.’ If you’re in a relationship you should be able to talk through it and support each other through it.”

Do you tell your partner about another partner? If you’re unsure, check the previous slide, as to why the answer is always, Yes! But how do you do that? Well, first, says Yovanoff, this shouldn’t be a first-date conversation, so let potential partners know first. Include “poly” or “non-monogamous” on your dating profile, and definitely tell someone before you ask them out. As for existing partners, you could tell them as you would tell anyone else: “I just met someone!”

“It’s very individual,” says Gratzfeld. “Your boundaries and agreements will navigate that.”

There can be poly situations with agreements about posting on Facebook, being seen in certain neighbourhoods, because one of the partners isn’t “out.”

Gratzfeld compares coming out as poly to LGBTQ+, in that in can create rejection from friends, family and work. There are three types of responses, she shares.

• Absolute rejection, including violence and ending relationships.
• Absolute acceptance, excited and happy.
• Dismissive acceptance, in that you’re not really supported (“That’s fine, but let’s just not talk about it.”).

“Talk it through,” says Gratzfeld. “Can you wait? Can you respect that your partner has that boundary? Is it worth telling their 95-year-old grandma that has dementia?”

Everyone involved are all real people, says Yovanoff. “There are some relationships that have children, shared finances, and that doesn’t make another partner devalued.” And this is important for anyone in relationships with multiple partners: “You do have to speak up for what you want.”

“As tough and as vulnerable as it is to have these conversations, it makes such a difference,” says Gratzfeld.

“Our society only looks at a relationship as successful if one of the people die in it — it’s dark but true,” says Yovanoff. “There is so much more to a successful relationship than longevity. […] There is a lot of monogamy hangover when you get into non-monogamy. There’s a lot to unlearn.” Yovanoff recommends reading about the “relationship escalator” theory by Amy Gahran. “There are these steps that we take for a relationship to be considered serious, like getting engaged, getting married, having kids, owning a house, whatever. When we don’t do these things, society looks at the relationships with less value. ‘Where is this going?’ But there are so many ways to have relationships. Look at each person in a relationship as an individual as opposed to an entity.”    

When asked what the most common issue among non-monogamous partners, Yovanoff doesn’t pause to answer. “The hardest thing is having patience. Take a breath. Have a friend to talk to outside of the relationship, even a counscellor. Sit on your feelings.

She gives an example from her own life: “My partner saw a Star Wars movie with his partner. And we had already seen it. I was like, ‘it’s our thing.’ I had to basically sit down with my dragon and have tea with it. This is fine. This is OK.”

Her advice for her non-monogamous clients: “Talk it through, communicate and listen.”