10 Signs You’re Actually a Top — and What That Might Mean

It’s 2021 and we’re challenging preconceived notions of what a relationship should be. Whether you identify as masculine or feminine (or somewhere in between), anyone can be a top. While the term has been traditionally linked to being an alpha, being more dominant — or sometimes to SD (submissive/dominant) or BDSM (bondage, discipline, submission, dominance) — or generally to the queer culture — anyone can claim top status at different points in their lives, and their relationships.

After talking to Claire AH, sex and relationship expert and owner at Friend of a Friend Matchmaking, it became even more clear that roles in relationships can shift and power in romances can ebb and flow. Here are the most common signs you’re actually a top — and a little more about what that might mean.

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1 / 10

You’re creative

Tops tend to be in charge of leading. “If you’re often calling the shots, in control of the situation in the bedroom or on a date, you’re going to have to have some ideas of what to do. You’ll also have to be good at coming up with things on the fly,” Claire says. When you’re the top and plans fall through, you need to be able to pivot. Creativity helps make this process much smoother.

Lesbian couple holding hands in a lil village somewhere

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2 / 10

You’re considerate

While a top may sometimes get stereotyped with being the “bossy” one, a top is actually the one usually accommodating the bottom. “A top needs to be considerate of the other person’s needs and the situation as well,” Claire explains, putting an emphasis on the fact that a top is also aware of their situation and surroundings most of the time.

Cute lil barista making some coffee for your afternoon

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3 / 10

You work a “normal” job

From a waitress to a manager in an office to a school teacher and beyond, anyone can be a top. “Contrary to the idea of Christian Grey, not all high-powered business people are tops,” Claire says. “There’s some anecdotal evidence to suggest you might like exploring being a top if you’re looking for more control in your life.”

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You have an air of confidence

Often equipped with higher emotional intelligence and a healthy amount of experience, a top is often self-aware and self-assured. To take the lead on things, tops tend to develop a charismatic confidence that sparkles when they engage with people. Of course, all tops feel and may experience times when they feel a little vulnerable too. “It’s not an easy road,” Claire says. “In BDSM, tops may need aftercare too.”

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5 / 10

You have a little edge to your style

In terms of fashion, tops tend to have a little edge in their styles — this is evident in specific items they wear or sometimes in the way they carry themselves. “Maybe it’s in the dress a little. You can wear the bubbliest, cutest little dress and be a top. Maybe there’s a feeling of intention that adds just a little edge,” Claire says. “A little sharpness to the way your jacket is cut.”

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Your idea of nurturing is rooted in strength

Maybe some of your role models are strong characters who are given a harder edge — maybe you find yourself reproducing their behaviours. Aspiring to be like those who stand firm in their convictions, who yearn to protect — and show they care in this way. “From Wonder Woman to Beyonce,” Claire says. And maybe Bette Porter?

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7 / 10

You tend to reach for the bill

And while taking the bill can be a heteronormative notion — suggesting masculinity through it’s power, associating the act with a male — the act can manifest in other ways and can be done by anyone (regardless of gender). “But you also probably reach for the door and offer your jacket,” Claire says. “Basically taking chivalry from being strictly masculine.” #Reclaimed

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8 / 10

You are attracted to softness and vulnerability

Interactions with people who are complementary may elicit passion. When you’re more dominant, (sometimes stoic), you may gravitate towards softer, more vulnerable people with gentle energy. The whole yin and yang thing.

YOU MAY ALSO LIKE: 10 of the most misunderstood things about bisexual women.

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9 / 10

You are soft and sensitive

Because you are human and every feeling on the spectrum of human emotion is valid. Being a top may speak to natural leadership, suggest a sense of dominance and strength — but it doesn’t mean you’re hard and always tough. Like in all areas of life, our identities can shift and how we project our personalities can vary from person to person, place to place.

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10 / 10

You identify as a top

Ultimately, it comes down to you — how you identify and how you truly feel in a situation or with a specific person. We can be tops in some relationships and bottoms in others. “Being a top in some ways doesn’t mean you can’t exhibit bottom traits,” Claire says. “You could very well be a switch for someone who embraces a little top and bottom energy. Or you don’t have to subscribe to any of these things and take from it what you want.”

But let’s be honest, there’s a little top in all of us.