As a relationship coach, and sexual health educator/advocate, Samantha Bitty is big on promoting sexual confidence and working through the self-doubt that far too often creeps in for many of us (even celebs).
“Sexual confidence starts so much deeper than the act of sex,” says Bitty. It goes beyond the bedroom. This is partly why she centres her work on emotional intelligence and a holistic approach that is inclusive and reflective of all genders, abilities and proclivities (are threesomes or throuples your thing? We’re not judging).
Here are Bitty’s tips on what you can do to embrace your erotic prowess and to boost your sexual confidence in the bedroom and beyond.
TIP 1: Get to know yourself
Don’t be afraid to get in touch with your emotions. Bitty says, “The more you learn to process your emotions with your emotions, the stronger your confidence will be.” She adds that it’s important not to gaslight yourself and to let go of that toxic positivity. “When someone asks me, ‘what should I do or read to get better at sex?’ [I say] whatever is emotionally affecting you in your life, pay attention, and focus on that and then you’re going to have more sexual confidence.” Try sitting with and moving through the full range of your emotions without trying to sanitize them. Once you do that, you will be more in touch with yourself and your needs, which in turn allows you to better connect to your sexual side.
“The more self-awareness you have, the more you know how to take care of yourself.”
TIP 2: See yourself as whole
Expanding on that first point, Bitty advises reclaiming your wholeness (because the whole is greater – and sexier – than the sum of your parts). “It’s like, if I only felt better about my body, I would have more sexual confidence,” says Bitty. But this superficial or performance-based view of sexual confidence is a limiting one. True sexual confidence is more complicated than that. “What’s so much more interesting and so much more sustainable is looking at all of our different bodies; so our emotional body, our spiritual body, our intellectual body, and then of course our physical body, and nurturing each of these aspects of yourself.”
TIP 3: Trust yourself
Sexual confidence is also about trust, advises Bitty. “When you [strengthen each of your bodies], you learn to trust yourself. And when you trust yourself, it’s easier to trust others because you know you can handle whatever happens. That’s where I find the confidence comes from. And then sex gets to be an experience versus a performance.”
TIP 4: Hack your feel-good hormones
And when you’re not feeling so hot? Here’s Bitty’s pro-tip: “If you’re feeling down, recognize which part of you is out of whack. If it’s your mental health, try meditating. If it’s your intellect – like how do I shut down my brain – maybe read a book. If it’s physical, go for a bike ride.” Boost your feel-good chemicals, in other words, which include your serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, estrogen, progesterone – all chemicals our bodies naturally produce, and all chemicals you can encourage your body to produce by doing things that release them.
TIP 5: Build a community of care
Despite the recent pandemic social distancing measures, people don’t exist in a vacuum. We are social creatures and crave connection with others who encourage us when we may feel less than our best selves. For this, “build a community of care,” urges Bitty. “I know a lot of people who send nudes to their friends…Sometimes, [I say] none of these fuck boys deserve it, so let me send this spicy nude to my friend.” Her pro-tip? If you have a fire sign friend? Even better! “Like if you want to get hyped up, you will need to send that to a Leo friend of yours.” Surround yourself with people who boost you and support you.
These five guiding principles are all values that promote connecting with yourself at a deeper level so you can better connect with others. They are also about learning how to negotiate a healthier relationship with others, but also with yourself as well. And this is the space where sexual confidence, as all confidence, thrives.
Follow Samantha Bitty on Instagram for her Bitty Bits and more.
