Dating in the modern age requires a certain level of patience and understanding, and it seems the older we get, the more we encounter partners who are still working through their history and upbringing to better understand themselves and thrive in a healthy relationship. As we reflect on our upbringing, parenting issues can often rise to the surface. When that happens, it can become too easy to suggest potential partners have mommy or daddy issues simply because we don’t understand otherwise. But these labels have a deeper meaning than their surface value text, and it’s essential to the success of a relationship that we take the time to educate ourselves.
We spoke with couples’ therapist, Marlee Rubel, to chat about mommy issues, including what the term means, how it forms and what the impact on a new relationship could look like. As a registered psychotherapist, Rubel has spent time helping couples understand how their upbringing and the way they were raised by their parents contribute to how they operate in a relationship.
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Understand what “mommy issues” really means
Getting the terms right is an essential part of understanding the psychology behind patterns and behaviours. In our initial conversation with Rubel, we wanted to understand the difference between mommy issues and the mother complex.
“The term mother complex is derived from Jungian psychology, whereas mommy issues tend to be used in a broader stroke to describe any challenges that stem from a person’s relationship, or lack of relationship, with their mother. I always find that when you label something a ‘complex,’ it tends to sound less malleable, so I prefer the term issues, which can be heard as less clinical and more relatable.” explains Rubel.
“The term mother complex is derived from Jungian psychology, whereas mommy issues tend to be used in a broader stroke to describe any challenges that stem from a person’s relationship, or lack of relationship, with their mother. I always find that when you label something a ‘complex,’ it tends to sound less malleable, so I prefer the term issues, which can be heard as less clinical and more relatable.” explains Rubel.
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Mommy and daddy issues are not the same thing
Women specifically have been slapped with the “daddy issues” label time and time again, but we shouldn’t be quick to assume that mommy issues are the same thing—or that gender has anything to do with it. “In the problematic gender binary, most of us are prescribed. The label of mommy issues tends to accompany the image of a man seeking a maternal figure in place of an equal partner.” Rubel helps to break this down by stating, “Daddy issues are commonly used to describe a woman seeking endless validation from men. Queer culture has redefined some of this narrative to reflect more of an ‘essence’ of masculinity and femininity in parenting and removed it from a gendered lens, whereby people can seek a “daddy” to take action for them or a “mommy” to care for their emotional needs, regardless of that person’s gender identity.”
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Know that gender has little bearing on mommy issues
It might be easy to assume that there are a lot of men with mommy issues, but in today’s world, that statement seems rather archaic. Mommy issues can impact all genders and become more about the specific relationship someone had with their mother, not how they identify. Rubel encourages us to look at it from a much broader lens.
“I think it’s always important to interrupt the binary of gender and help create a more accurate complexity in our interactions and existence with self-expression. It’s interesting to consider the strengths of these pulls towards what we consider mommy issues. I’ve recently heard some interesting theories around ‘mommy issues,’ also stemming from the experience of growing up in a patriarchal culture that undervalues emotional labour, softness, and compassion, and the subsequent importance of welcoming a desire for a more caring or emotional attuned climate in a relationship,” she says.
“I think it’s always important to interrupt the binary of gender and help create a more accurate complexity in our interactions and existence with self-expression. It’s interesting to consider the strengths of these pulls towards what we consider mommy issues. I’ve recently heard some interesting theories around ‘mommy issues,’ also stemming from the experience of growing up in a patriarchal culture that undervalues emotional labour, softness, and compassion, and the subsequent importance of welcoming a desire for a more caring or emotional attuned climate in a relationship,” she says.
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Learn where a partner is on their journey
It can be difficult to notice the signs that point to a larger issue in a new relationship. We’re so consumed by the excitement and newness of a brand new relationship that it becomes easy to ignore the things that don’t seem entirely sound. When asked what some of the key identifiers of mommy issues are, Rubel advised “These kinds of issues can look like a lack of boundaries, testing a partner’s love to see if it’s unconditional, and expecting to be cared for at the expense of your partner’s health or well being. Many folks have complicated relationships with their parents that inform who they are as adults. Gently figuring out where someone is on their journey towards understanding their history can indicate whether these are red flags or healthy processing of their past that doesn’t create an imbalanced dynamic.”
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Make a note of the common issues that could surface in the relationship
If you aren’t an expert, it’s not advised to automatically assume your partnership is struggling with something you can’t clearly identify or understand. However, understanding some of the ways mommy issues could show up in your intimate relationships could make the difference between reacting poorly versus negatively.
Rubel emphasis again that it can circle back to how a partner prefers to be cared for. "Playing out a troubled relationship with your mother in your partnership can show up in many ways. As mentioned, some folks want to be cared for unconditionally, which can look like a lack of boundaries or testing their partner’s love for them. It’s important to remember that healthy adult relationships aren’t unconditional: they are conditional on extremely important relational needs like safety, respect, and shared values. Unlike parent-child relationships, partner relationships are sustained by mutual respect, healthy adult boundaries, and sufficient independence alongside emotional attunement. The care that exists in parent-child relationships moves in one direction, and that direction is from parent to child. When mommy issues are playing out in relationships, a partner may be seeking to get what they needed but didn’t receive from a parent growing up —unconditional love and acceptance regardless of all else."
Rubel emphasis again that it can circle back to how a partner prefers to be cared for. "Playing out a troubled relationship with your mother in your partnership can show up in many ways. As mentioned, some folks want to be cared for unconditionally, which can look like a lack of boundaries or testing their partner’s love for them. It’s important to remember that healthy adult relationships aren’t unconditional: they are conditional on extremely important relational needs like safety, respect, and shared values. Unlike parent-child relationships, partner relationships are sustained by mutual respect, healthy adult boundaries, and sufficient independence alongside emotional attunement. The care that exists in parent-child relationships moves in one direction, and that direction is from parent to child. When mommy issues are playing out in relationships, a partner may be seeking to get what they needed but didn’t receive from a parent growing up —unconditional love and acceptance regardless of all else."
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How mommy issues can show up like in the bedroom
You may be wondering if a partnership dealing with mommy issues will ultimately carry some of the weight into the bedroom. When it comes to matters of intimacy, Rubel had this to say, “Kink and fetish play can be an incredible way to indulge taboos and 'forbidden' experiences, but certainly aren’t necessarily a result of having unresolved issues with your mother. More direct ways mommy issues can show up within intimacy and sex has to do with what makes you feel safe and cared for. Some people feel this by losing control sexually and others through gaining control. Sometimes this is related to roles we’ve wanted to play but haven’t in our lives, whether that’s being cared for in a certain way or doing the caring.
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Use “I” statements to avoid triggering defensiveness in your partner facing these issues
Respect for your partners often circles back to how we choose to communicate with and understand each other. It’s essential to take the time and care required to genuinely understand what someone has experienced outside of yourself to truly come together as one. "Communicating with someone who has unresolved issues of this kind can have the flavour of interacting with a child or a teenager. It can help to not 'play into' the role they may be positioning you to play. Instead, communicate your feeling that you aren’t being spoken to or treated as an equal partner and express your desire to return to the relationship's equal footing. Make sure that you aren’t losing your compassion or empathy for your partner’s challenges, but also that you are showing up to the relationship as someone who also has feelings and needs, as opposed to as a caretaker or parental figure," Rubel says.
"I always suggest voicing concerns using “I” statements to avoid triggering defensiveness in your partner and hold yourself accountable for identifying and communicating your feelings instead of just staying focused on your partner and blaming them. It takes two to tango here, and if you’ve become a parent figure to your partner, you are likely hiding out in their needs and avoiding your own—if this is the case, it helps to take accountability for your share of the dynamic!"
"I always suggest voicing concerns using “I” statements to avoid triggering defensiveness in your partner and hold yourself accountable for identifying and communicating your feelings instead of just staying focused on your partner and blaming them. It takes two to tango here, and if you’ve become a parent figure to your partner, you are likely hiding out in their needs and avoiding your own—if this is the case, it helps to take accountability for your share of the dynamic!"
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Help to normalize the trickier parts of your partner (and perhaps yourself, too!)
Being in a committed relationship requires a certain level of love and respect to be delicate with each others’ feelings, along with having a considerable amount of patience and understanding. And if you’re dating someone who has mommy issues, whether it’s identified or not, it’s essential that you help to normalize that journey. Rubel suggests, "Relationships are complicated! Communicating outside the heat of the moment, working together to build a culture of sharing and curiosity within the relationships (ask questions, offer the benefit of the doubt, encourage your partner to speak freely and learn to listen attentively and non-defensively), and leaving room for both you and your partners to have “baggage” makes it easier to give and receive support on these tender parts of our history and how our pasts have influenced us. Not making assumptions, defining what each partner needs to feel safe sharing their feelings, and normalizing having tricky, sticky parts of who we are also helpful tactics!"
But it doesn’t stop there! Communication is a constant in any relationship, and it requires the work of all patterns involved, regardless of what you might be navigating individually. “Balance the playing field! Cultivate a relationship where both you and your partner can share and receive support on the challenging parts of your history that can play out in your present-day relationship. When you withhold your feelings and needs, you set your partner up to lean on you like a parental figure, where they come to you for support, but you don’t go to them. Be sure to give your partner opportunities to help you balance out the dynamic if they’ve been leaning on you in imbalanced ways.” says Rubel.
But it doesn’t stop there! Communication is a constant in any relationship, and it requires the work of all patterns involved, regardless of what you might be navigating individually. “Balance the playing field! Cultivate a relationship where both you and your partner can share and receive support on the challenging parts of your history that can play out in your present-day relationship. When you withhold your feelings and needs, you set your partner up to lean on you like a parental figure, where they come to you for support, but you don’t go to them. Be sure to give your partner opportunities to help you balance out the dynamic if they’ve been leaning on you in imbalanced ways.” says Rubel.
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Couples’ therapy could help bridge the gap between any misunderstandings in the partnership
If you’ve exhausted all of your options to work out any divides in your relationship, it may be worth suggesting therapy seek the tools and resources necessary to move forward in a positive way. “Working with a therapist is always helpful to understand the impact of your past on your present and learn how to return to the present moment when something from the past creeps into a moment it doesn’t belong in. Couples’ therapy can be a great way to learn skills to support a partner to stay present and work with the very real impact on you when they can’t stay present, and vice versa,” suggests Rubel.
If therapy isn’t an immediate option for you and your partner, Rubel has additional thoughts on accessing resources or continuing the conversation with each other. “But because therapy is often inaccessible, I suggest connecting with your communities, online resources, and books about healthy relationship boundaries and communication to strengthen you and your partner’s skills to express what you both need and how you like to receive it. Even if mommy issues are playing out, partners can find ways of meeting those needs without crossing each other’s boundaries. For example, a person who grew up with a very absent mother may feel particularly cared for when their partner sticks to their word or wants to spend quality time with them regularly. Understanding this as a need of your partner can help diffuse the toxic behaviour (boundary-pushing or playing games to test your love) that can arise when your partner feels insecure or triggered. While it isn’t your responsibility to fix your partner’s issues, you can certainly help create the conditions where healing, trust, reciprocity and healthy communication could most easily flourish.”
If therapy isn’t an immediate option for you and your partner, Rubel has additional thoughts on accessing resources or continuing the conversation with each other. “But because therapy is often inaccessible, I suggest connecting with your communities, online resources, and books about healthy relationship boundaries and communication to strengthen you and your partner’s skills to express what you both need and how you like to receive it. Even if mommy issues are playing out, partners can find ways of meeting those needs without crossing each other’s boundaries. For example, a person who grew up with a very absent mother may feel particularly cared for when their partner sticks to their word or wants to spend quality time with them regularly. Understanding this as a need of your partner can help diffuse the toxic behaviour (boundary-pushing or playing games to test your love) that can arise when your partner feels insecure or triggered. While it isn’t your responsibility to fix your partner’s issues, you can certainly help create the conditions where healing, trust, reciprocity and healthy communication could most easily flourish.”
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Take comfort in knowing that mommy issues could have a positive impact on your relationship
It’s easy to think all hope is lost when you’re up against things you don’t understand, but that way of thinking could become more damaging to your relationship. With love, patience and understanding, there’s no reason why you and your partner can’t weather any storm that lies ahead.
Rubel describes this thoughtfully by explaining, "We all come with baggage in our relationships, and the sooner we can own where our complicated parts of self show up with our partners, the sooner we can develop a shared language for it and tackle the shame, secrecy and hiding that often accompany the shadow of our pasts in our present. Relationships, while often tough, are also very fertile grounds for healing. If we can learn to get our needs for care met in a healthily and safely communicated way, we can repair what may have been lost (or never developed) due to how our parents raised us. We have a chance to repair our relationship with our self-worth by not tolerating relationships that mimic unhealthy parental relationships we may have once known. Mommy issues with the right conditions for support and healthy boundaries can become getting our needs met in love and trust for the first time."
Rubel describes this thoughtfully by explaining, "We all come with baggage in our relationships, and the sooner we can own where our complicated parts of self show up with our partners, the sooner we can develop a shared language for it and tackle the shame, secrecy and hiding that often accompany the shadow of our pasts in our present. Relationships, while often tough, are also very fertile grounds for healing. If we can learn to get our needs for care met in a healthily and safely communicated way, we can repair what may have been lost (or never developed) due to how our parents raised us. We have a chance to repair our relationship with our self-worth by not tolerating relationships that mimic unhealthy parental relationships we may have once known. Mommy issues with the right conditions for support and healthy boundaries can become getting our needs met in love and trust for the first time."
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