10 Things You Should Never Say to Your Partner

In addition to it being a microaggression, this gaslighting tactic does nothing to move you closer to resolving whatever is at the heart of this response. Alternatives include, “You’re blowing this out of proportion” or, “You’re overreacting” or even the more dismissive variant, “Get over it.” This sets a toxic precedent that won’t clear the air.

Try this instead:

“I’m having a hard time understanding where you’re coming from. Help me follow.”

Ouch. Nobody likes to be compared to their current’s exes. Would you? While nobody is perfect, you ostensibly chose this person for a reason, right? Do them the favour of accepting them as they are, in essence.

Try this instead:

If there are specific behaviours that truly warrant addressing, focus on that behaviour without comparisons to others, and explain how it affects you.

While this quote has been making the rounds on socials for some time now, the down side of this Marilyn Monroe mantra is that it can be used to enable destructive habits. Each of us has bad days, sure, but if you linger there without challenging yourself to grow past the moment or situation, it just comes off as entitled. Spare your partner that treatment, and strive to be that “best” your partner (and you) deserves.

Try this instead:

“I know I’m struggling with this, and am committed to doing better. I would love to come out on the other end with you by my side, just as we have through our good moments too.”

While this is seldom truly accurate, using absolutist language like this is likely not only polarizing, but also another one of those phrases that will only escalate tensions and amplify the argument. Jumping to extremes doesn’t delve into the nitty, gritty of the grays where most conflicts reside.

Try this instead:

“I’ve noticed a pattern of X, and this is a problem for me because...” Give specific examples that demonstrate your point.

While some situations truly require walking away from, giving ultimatums because you want to control your partner into doing what you want is plain manipulative and isn’t fair.

Try this instead:

“X is a deal-breaker for me, and I don’t think it’s something I can work past. Let’s see if we can find common ground.”

Diminishing your partner’s efforts, accomplishments or interests says more about you than about them. The goal of any healthy partnership is mutual support and helping each other rise, not tearing each other down. If you feel you can’t connect to what your partner does or their interests, that’s fine. You don’t have to have everything in common – in fact, it’s healthier if you don’t.

Try this instead:

Focus on things you do enjoy doing together, or your own work and hobbies.

Like the previous comments, making your partner feel inferior is insulting and ableist. Nobody wants to feel beaten down – especially not in a relationship. If you have a habit of doing this, try to unpack why you let yourself go there, and work on that. Such language can quickly turn abusive. Simply put, some language has no place in healthy, nurturing relationships.

Try this instead:

Even if you don’t see eye-to-eye, you should always treat your partner with a level of respect and regard.

Sometimes we find ourselves in repeat roles we’re less than thrilled about. If you aren’t comfortable with the pattern of behaviour you’re seeing, and the corner you’re finding yourself backed into, address that by focusing on the behaviour specifically.

Try this instead:

“I notice that I’ve been doing a lot of the X, Y, and Z, and would like a fairer division of labour here. I would like to see you pitch in with these more than now, and would like to see how we can make this happen.”

If you are genuinely apologetic, say that without using qualifying language that rationalizes your actions away. Focus on the impact of your actions, and acknowledge the hurt it may have caused on the other end without the “but.” Then offer ways to make it better. Or use any of the other apology languages that may be the best fit for you, personally.

Try this instead:

“I am sorry.” Period.

Taking a timeout to sort out your feelings and thoughts is not a bad idea. But icing your partner out as punishment doesn’t lay the foundation for a good path forward.

Try this instead:

“I need some time to figure out my feelings on this, but will let you know when I’m best able to explain why this is not sitting well with me.”