These are The Pros and Cons of Joining a Threesome

Sexual exploration as a couple can be as much about bonding as it is the excitement that accompanies it. Embarking on a sexy new journey together can ultimately strengthen the connection with your partner, so long as the conversation is judgement-free and your lines of communication are wide open.

"There are a lot of studies that show having new experiences in relationships can help people create deeper bonds," says Claire AH, coach and founder of Friend of a Friend Matchmaking. But a significant part of what makes a of ménage à trois successful is laying all your cards on the table —  including any hang-ups or insecurities. "Deciding on the duration of the relationship [with the third party] is important, [as is] discussing things like whether kissing or cuddling [with the third] is on the table," she adds. In short, the more you open up and share with one another, the stronger the ties that bond in many cases.

If you're feeling pressured or coerced into joining a threesome, it's time to step on the brakes and proceed with extreme caution — especially if your feelings and sexual needs are being neglected in favour of a more eager partner. "It’s OK to not be ready for a threesome — it’s even harder to have one and then realize afterward you were not ready," Claire says. "Take a good gut check individually and then discuss your well-being as honestly and as straight-forward as possible."

If you're still uncertain how to process those thoughts and feelings, Claire has a few suggestions: "Before you even get to the [threesome] conversation, check in with yourself," she says. "Does [a ménage à trois] turn you on? Do you want to have a threesome with the type of person your partner wants to have a threesome with? You can also check out books on non-monogamous sex, erotica and porn" to better ascertain how you feel. By addressing these questions and concerns with yourself first, you'll hopefully feel better equipped to handle the conversation and get a firmer grasp on your own sexual desires before those feelings of neglect rear their heads.

Coming to the decision that you want to join a threesome can be a liberating and exciting moment in any relationship. At the end of the day, it's a new way to satisfy your sexual needs and desires while being fully in control of the situation by setting boundaries in advance.

Whether you've been fantasizing about it for years or it's a relatively new fantasy, joining a threesome simply because you want to is empowering. As Claire points out, "there are a lot of valid reasons to have a threesome but I think they should all boil down to some flavour of 'because I want to.' It’s about having your sexual needs met or watching your partner have their sexual needs met [and having it be] a turn-on for you."

This one can be a biggie for many couples, especially if one partner is still on the fence about taking part. Depending on the person, certain bruised feelings — such as a sense of inadequacy — can happen for a variety of reasons and might require a bit of deep relationship soul-searching before making any major decisions.

"[Hurt feelings] can happen because of crossed boundaries or lack of communication — there’s definitely a lot of stories and anecdotes from people who’ve [thought] their partner was gunning for a threesome because they’re not 'enough' somehow."

For some, introducing a third into the bedroom has been a fantasy that dates back years. If both you and your partner are equally excited to take part, seek out sites and apps geared toward threesomes or consider supporting a sex worker for whom it’s their job and can answer any of your pressing questions. Ultimately, engaging in a threesome "should be about having your sexual needs met," Claire says. "But if [the thought] fills you with dread, then it’s good to at least pause and reflect on those things versus suppressing them and soldiering on."

Threesomes shouldn't be treated as a relationship salve, especially if you're going through a rough patch — and if you're not careful it could ultimately amplify some of the cracks in the foundation of your partnership.

"It really depends on the type of dynamic of the couple, because there are some people who might close down [at the suggestion of introducing a third] while others would invite it," Claire says. "It’s never wrong to have a conversation about it that exists outside of foreplay and at a time that is relatively neutral. If your sex life is generally unhappy or one or both of you feel undesired, [a threesome] is not going to help those feelings."

Adding a little spice in the boudoir is one of the most common, straightforward and exciting reasons couples consider joining a threesome. "There are some sexual fantasies that can only be fulfilled with multiple people," Claire points out. "Or fantasies that one isn't into but the other might. It’s also just nice to experience something different sexually." One study even suggests sex is the key to a lasting relationship, specifically with regards to frequency and variety. Communicating your wants and needs to your partner can open doors to new experiences you can enjoy together.

Spoiler alert: a threesome is not only about you and your partner — and there's a tendency for couples to forget that fact. It's one big issue that Claire flags, in particular, when people are considering a threesome. "Being rude to the third is a really big deal," she says. "A nice person who is willing to come and have sex with you and your partner should be treated kindly and given their desires as well. People sometimes forget another human is there. Don’t assume someone is going to kowtow to only your needs and wants. Being respectful and aware [of the third] can show you’re also invested in their pleasure and who they are as a person."

Many of us can feel a little self-conscious about voicing our sexual fantasies, including to our intimate partners. The fear of being laughed at, teased or outright rejected for our desires is paramount in the decision to not speak up in the boudoir. But remember: timing is everything when introducing your partner to your fantasies. Discuss what each of you want and avoid putting a timeline on when it should happen."

Make it clear that the conversation is not about convincing you [or them], but exploring it," Claire suggests. Be tactful and go in with an open mind — you might be pleasantly surprised by what is revealed.

If you're considering asking someone you know to be your third, there are a few things you should consider first. "Unless you are 110% certain that your friend or acquaintance wants to have a threesome with you specifically I would hesitate to bring it up," Claire advises. "I have heard so many stories where [people aren't] friends anymore because they made it weird."

Think of it this way: if you wouldn’t approach a friend for casual sex just the two of you, why would asking them to be a third be any different? Claire suggests looking on sites and apps specifically geared toward threesomes or consider contacting a sex worker with any of your questions or concerns.