How to Set Healthy Boundaries With Your Mom

While the idea may make you uncomfortable, or bring about feelings of guilt, having healthy boundaries in any relationship is actually a good thing. Boundaries are one way you can honour what you are and aren’t comfortable with, and do and don’t want in your life. These can include physical boundaries, mental boundaries, emotional boundaries, moral boundaries, sexual boundaries, spiritual boundaries and yes, even financial boundaries. As we get older, we develop a clearer sense of where these boundaries should exist for us.

In many families, mother-figures were the primary caregivers and the ones most responsible for raising us. As such, they’ve known us our entire lives, as their babies, and children, and now adults, while we’ve only known them since their adulthood. As such, there is an inherent power imbalance - even if an unintentional one. Some mothers may have a difficult time transitioning away from seeing you as a dependent as you grow. This often isn’t intentional.

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Recognize that you cannot be solely responsible for your mom’s emotional wellbeing and that you don’t have to say “yes” to everything. Not only is this an unrealistic, burdensome expectation, it isn’t healthy for either of you. This is especially true if saying “yes” comes from a place of constant obligation; this will only lead to feeling overstretched and resentful towards your mom, and nobody wins. There ought to be a balance in caring relationships. And by the way, same rules apply to the rest of the family and even in-laws...let’s take a sec to acknowledge the ultimate queen in boundary setting: Meghan Markle, and her decision to ditch the Royal family.

You may personally struggle with asserting your boundaries for a variety of reasons, but also because they may not have been modelled for you, while growing up (surprise, surprise mom!), you were taught to people-please and be a “good girl” or “good boy”, or perhaps because you were the one in a care-giving role, perhaps to your own mom.

Spend some time reflecting on where your own boundaries exist in your various relationships, and then zero in on your relationship with your mom. What conversations do you want and don’t want to engage in? What asks are acceptable? How often do you see yourself communicating? And under what circumstances? Do recognize that her own boundaries may not neatly align with yours. This is ok.

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Speak to your mom frankly about what you are and aren’t comfortable with and explain the way crossing those boundaries affects you negatively. Keep things positive and focus on wanting to grow in your relationship with your mom, now that you are both adults and that the relationship is changing.

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People are creatures of habit, and your mom may not immediately welcome this change and role shift. Do anticipate that she may not be thrilled to hear “no,” but get comfortable saying “no”. Also, have some prepared responses on hand.

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Communicate how you will respond if your boundaries are not being respected. For example, if your mom has a habit of bringing up hot-button topics that always lead to a breakdown in communication, tell her that next time she raises the subject you’ve expressed you don’t want to rehash, you will end the conversation before it can spiral out.

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At the beginning especially, you may find that your mom crosses these boundaries. They are non-negotiable. The only way things will change, is if you consistently reinforce your boundaries and consequences.

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Offer up positive ways to connect with your mom, so she doesn’t feel like you’re cutting her out completely. What do positive interactions look like? What do you enjoy? Share that and then look for opportunities to foster those connections.

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Setting healthy boundaries means holding your end of the bargain. If you want to be respected and treated as an adult, don’t depend on her to look after your adult responsibilities (do your own laundry, in other words). Don’t overshare if you know she can’t keep perspective and holds what you shared over your head in the future.

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While your boundaries may not be negotiable moment-to-moment, what these mean to you may change over time. This too is ok. Adjust and communicate as needed.

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