Most affairs don’t happen overnight, and often it’s the case that these things begin with the smallest spark and evolve into something more over time. In some cases, you may not even realize you’re engaging in behaviours that could potential lead you into some murky waters. We chatted with registered psychotherapist Susan Valentine, who specializes in relationship therapy, to help shed some light on these red flag behaviours with 17 hidden signs you might be headed for an affair.

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Sign #1: You’re keeping secrets
“You aren’t opening up to your partner anymore and you omit details about your day. Or you may feel annoyed and become evasive when they ask questions. When you stop sharing your thoughts and feelings, it’s a way of shutting your partner out.”
Cautions Susan, “Keep in mind that dishonesty can damage a relationship. And betrayal can happen even without an affair.” While we’re on the subject, check out our list of things you should never do in a healthy relationship.
Cautions Susan, “Keep in mind that dishonesty can damage a relationship. And betrayal can happen even without an affair.” While we’re on the subject, check out our list of things you should never do in a healthy relationship.

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Sign #2: You’re confiding in this other person
“When something happens, you turn first to this other person. You may also complain to this person about your partner, which is a betrayal of loyalty to your relationship, and shows a lack of respect to your partner.”

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Sign #3: You make negative comparisons
“You negatively compare your partner to this person. When your partner does something, you imagine this other person would respond in a better way.”

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Sign #4: You keep your phone extra-close
“You become more secretive about your texts or phone calls, or not wanting your partner to check your phone.”
Notes Susan, “If you really have nothing to hide, it shouldn’t be a big deal if your partner picks up your phone when it pings.”
It happens in Hollywood all the time. Take it from these celebrities who married their mistresses.
Notes Susan, “If you really have nothing to hide, it shouldn’t be a big deal if your partner picks up your phone when it pings.”
It happens in Hollywood all the time. Take it from these celebrities who married their mistresses.

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Sign #5: You’ve been daydreaming
“We all have daydreams sometimes, but you find yourself consistently thinking about this other person, or having very specific fantasies about being together.”
Wondering which well-known figures once made waves with their own not-so-private indiscretions? Check out our breakdown of scandalous love affairs that changed history!
Wondering which well-known figures once made waves with their own not-so-private indiscretions? Check out our breakdown of scandalous love affairs that changed history!

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Sign #6: You’re rationalizing
“Telling yourself you’re spending more time with this person because you feel your partner doesn’t care, or you’re disconnected anyway. It can be a way to deal with guilt when you turn your partner into the problem, or blame them for your actions.”

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Sign #7: You’re turning away
“Not listening as much to your partner, even when they need you. Noticing you aren’t as engaged or interested, and that you don’t remember things they’ve told you.”
It's possible to save the relationship. Just look at these celebrities who survived cheating and stayed together.
It's possible to save the relationship. Just look at these celebrities who survived cheating and stayed together.

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Sign #8: You’re extra irritable
“Becoming easily irritable with your partner and frequently snapping at them. Maybe finding fault or annoyance in even the small things they do.”

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Sign #9: A diminished libido with your partner
Boredom in the bedroom can also be an indicator. Says Susan, “Experiencing a loss of interest in sex with your partner, or making excuses not to be intimate. Or you may find it hard to stay present or aroused when having sex."
Suspect you have a cheater on your hands? Here are 19 ways to tell if someone is cheating on you.
Suspect you have a cheater on your hands? Here are 19 ways to tell if someone is cheating on you.

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Sign #10: You’re suddenly into new activities
“You’re drawn to new activities or different interests that are shared by this new person. If they’re interested in rock climbing, you may have an urge to try it. Or if they love jazz music, you find yourself changing your usual playlists.”
Speaking of new activities, try rediscovering new things to do together with your partner by establishing a weekly date night, just one of our top 15 ways to divorce-proof your marriage!
Speaking of new activities, try rediscovering new things to do together with your partner by establishing a weekly date night, just one of our top 15 ways to divorce-proof your marriage!

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Sign #11: You’re more focused on appearance
Asks Susan, “Are you tossing out your old jeans and buying new ones? Trying a new hairstyle or different makeup? You may notice a heightened interest in how you look.”

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Sign #12: You’re more distracted
When the person you look forward to seeing or engaging with isn’t your partner. Says Susan: “You find it hard to focus on whatever you’re doing because you’re thinking about when you will see this other person again, or re-calling a recent interaction. You aren’t present and engaged with your partner because your mind is often elsewhere.”
Worried about your love life? Check if you can pick up on any of these 9 signs your relationship is failing.
Worried about your love life? Check if you can pick up on any of these 9 signs your relationship is failing.

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Sign #13: You feel distant from your partner
Not surprisingly, a distance between you and your partner can result in a dangerous disconnection. Says Susan, “There may be a notable distance between you and your partner, particularly when it comes to physical affection. You aren’t as spontaneous about hugging or kissing your partner, and you may even avoid their affection.”

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Sign #14: You’re talking more about this person
“You may be talking more about this other person to your friends, finding ways to bring up their name in conversations, even if you’re not divulging your feelings or attraction.”
Learn how to spot more red flags with our list of the top 10 reasons why marriages fail.
Learn how to spot more red flags with our list of the top 10 reasons why marriages fail.

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Sign #15: You’re making excuses
“Coming up with reasons to spend more time with this person, instead of time with your partner. You may even try convincing yourself these reasons are real, like needing to talk about a work situation over dinner, or spending more time at the gym because this person is there.”

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Sign #16: You’re more critical
“Becoming more critical of your partner, to them directly, or your friends, and even to the other person. Instead of promoting your commitment, you may be putting down your relationship or dismissing its importance.”
When you find you’re no longer feeling part of a team, it may be time to reevaluate where your mind – and heart – is truly at. It’s also easy to criticize when the demands you’re making of your partner are setting them up to fail. Think you might be guilty of this? Check out our breakdown of things you should never ask your significant other to do.
When you find you’re no longer feeling part of a team, it may be time to reevaluate where your mind – and heart – is truly at. It’s also easy to criticize when the demands you’re making of your partner are setting them up to fail. Think you might be guilty of this? Check out our breakdown of things you should never ask your significant other to do.

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Sign #17: You feel resentment
“You feel resentment towards your partner because you’d rather be spending time with this other person. Your partner or relationship starts to feel like a burden or a hindrance, rather than something you value and cherish.”
As a final thought, Susan notes, “Some of these behaviours on their own may not be alarming, or mean you’re headed for an affair. But if you recognize a few, or even more, you may want to check in with yourself about where you are heading.”
As a final thought, Susan notes, “Some of these behaviours on their own may not be alarming, or mean you’re headed for an affair. But if you recognize a few, or even more, you may want to check in with yourself about where you are heading.”
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