What is Micro-Cheating and Are You Guilty of it?

We know it’s wrong to cheat, sure, but what about all the little actions that don’t quite amount to cheating (yet), though still problematic? Called micro-cheating, this type of indiscretion flickers near the boundaries of your relationship without actually crossing the line. Think of it as physical and emotional cheating’s younger cousin.

While that line depends on each couple (or throuple), some things remain consistent in all micro-cheating scenarios. It can happen on impulse or simply for some extra excitement, but there is always a betrayal of trust and a degree of deception. Plus, you’ve started on that slippery slope of investing an inappropriate amount of time, energy and mental space in a person other than your partner. It’s about seeking or creating small opportunities to connect with that other person in a way that is more charged and sexually-tinged than a platonic friendship.

So how do you know if you’re guilty of micro-cheating? Read on to find out.

an attractive woman wearing sunglasses and a red crop top, staring at the mirror

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1 / 10

You spend more time on your looks

Sure – it's normal to find others attractive, even if you're committed; the issue is in acting on it. If you’re taking special care in your appearance to attract someone else’s attention, consider why. Getting on a new workout routine, going above and beyond your usual self-care habits to look your very best when you know you’ll be seeing this other person is a red flag.

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2 / 10

You avoid telling your partner about seeing this person

If you're lying by omission or not telling the truth about seeing a person who is not your partner, this is an issue. Grabbing a couple of "innocent" after-work drinks, going for coffee or a lunch? This is a very slippery slope that on some level you clearly understand is wrong (hence why you’re being sneaky and deceitful).

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3 / 10

You’re texting, calling and DMing outside the norms

If you're chatting, emailing, texting or sliding into your crush's DM to talk about things that have nothing to do with work (say, if the person of interest is a coworker), this indicates that you're looking to extend the relationship into more personal and casual realms. This is all the more true if those conversations are lengthy. Chatting about your favourite movies, books or music? Again, ask yourself why? Where are you hoping this goes and why are you building emotional intimacy? Is it fair to your partner? Is that not energy better spent invested in your relationship?

A man sitting on a curb while looking at his phone

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4 / 10

You’re on the person’s social media

This is a biggie. When you’re interested in someone, it’s natural to look to connect and communicate with them. This includes liking or commenting on the person’s posts or stories. But this is an issue if you’re already in a committed relationship (particularly if the posts focus on appearance or social status, and you’re feeding into this attention, or if they are older posts, highlighting your digging through their archives). And if the person is an ex, or someone you’ve otherwise had a romantic history with, this is even more risky, as your relationship is already loaded with precedent romance. Even if you’re not commenting or liking on the reg, but keep going back to their profile to look (or fantasize) about them, you’re stepping out of bounds.

Two men with sunglasses and smiling with their hands in the air

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5 / 10

You’re minimizing your existing relationship

If you're downplaying how serious your existing relationship is (on social media or in person), you’re trying to leave open a door for potential romance with your crush. This includes insisting on always attending events alone (there ought to be a balance). Intentionally leaving who you went on that fantastic trip with in front of that smokeshow account exec or client? Or who helped you prep that delicious dish? These subtle decisions are unfair to someone who otherwise plays a critical role in your life. And if you’re throwing flirting into the mix on top of that, you’re playing with matchsticks.

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6 / 10

You’re adding someone to your contacts under a false name

Listing your interest under a pseudonym or false name is wrong primarily because it’s deceitful. Why would you need to hide the real name of this person? To avoid having to answer why you’re getting texts at 1 a.m.? Be honest with yourself and question your motive.

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7 / 10

You’re playfully touching the other person

Not all infidelity is about sex. It takes many micro-steps to get to that point, and some of that fuel may come by way of much subtler physical contact, like playfully touching an elbow or knee, lingering on that hug, or even simply placing yourself in the person’s physical vicinity and seeking to be around them.

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8 / 10

You’re ‘thirst-trapping’

Posting attention-grabbing or suggestive photos on your social media in hopes of eliciting a reaction or a response from your non-partner crush is clearly also problematic. Note that the posts don’t need to be only sexual in nature. Depending on your point of connection with this person, these posts can be about anything that reinforces this connection. Do you like the same band, and suddenly find yourself reposting an old pic from the band’s concert, or suddenly post pics of your every athletic feat knowing the person is into sports?

A small group of friends with a dog sitting on benches

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9 / 10

You’re thinking about someone else’s attention

You’re not only giving this person your attention, you’re also seeking it in return. If you’re intentionally putting yourself across your crush’s path in hopes of interacting with them or getting their attention, this is an issue. Going out with your coworkers when you know your crush will also be present? Going back to the same barista even when the others are free just to exchange some banter? This preoccupation with the other person may also translate to being distracted from your own relationship, meaning your partner isn’t getting your 100%.

An interracial couple holding hands and looking at each other

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10 / 10

Bottom line

If you wouldn't send that text, make that comment, or touch that knee, or would feel ashamed if your partner witnessed your behaviour, just don't do it. Nobody likes to feel betrayed, and everyone deserves to have their personal boundaries respected.