The 10 Biggest Relationship Mistakes You May Be Making

Gary Chapman divided love languages into five categories: words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time and physical touch. There are, of course, other love languages, but what’s important is learning to speak your partner’s language fluently. If they crave affection, learn to hug them for a bit longer when you greet them. If spending time with them makes them feel important, carve out an extra 10 minutes in the morning. And if they are looking for a public declaration of love, put your arm around them at the table at your next dinner party. Oftentimes our love languages are tied to early or past interpretations of love, so find out what makes your partner feel cared for and secure and be sure to demonstrate your love in this way regularly. Love isn’t always recognizable until you translate it into a language they understand.

Disagreements are bound to arise when you live in close quarters and play a significant role in one another’s lives. Couples who accept these natural disagreements and communicate their feelings are less likely to harbour resentment in the long-term. If something is bothering you, speak up. You won’t be able to resolve every issue to your mutual satisfaction, but sometimes simply expressing yourself can have a cathartic effect.

We’ve all heard couples proudly proclaim that their “kids come first.” Though this may be an admiral approach to parenting, it’s not uncommon for the couple's relationship to suffer while the focus shifts toward their kids. Your role as a parent may be the most important and time-consuming of all the roles you play, but if you don’t spend time nurturing your relationship, it can wither away as the kids grow up. If you’ve fallen into the habit of being co-parents, but not lovers and friends, carve out some time this week to spend alone as a couple. Just one hour as adults (with adult beverages and adult language should they strike your fancy) can reignite intimate and erotic connection.

Saying “thank you” might be more important than saying “I love you.” Studies show that practicing gratitude carries a host of health benefits, but it also leads to happier relationships, as when we feel important and appreciated, serotonin increases and our mood is boosted. A recent study of 468 couples found that those who show gratitude for their partner are happier and less likely to consider divorce even in the face of distress.

I don’t love Valentine’s Day. And I don’t worry much about anniversaries. Milestone events may be worth celebrating, but if you wait for them to come around once or twice per year, you’re missing the daily opportunities to celebrate your relationship. A celebration can be as simple as clinking glasses at dinner while taking an extra second to make eye contact or placing a chocolate on your partner’s pillow on Friday night to ring in another week together. The small gestures are the ones that sustain relationships.

If you’re stuck on an issue or feel as though you’re in a little rut, book a session with counsellor who is familiar with outcome-based therapy (e.g. solution focused, cognitive behavioural). Don’t wait until you need ongoing therapy to get help. Just one or two sessions can help you to improve the way you communicate and reframe the way you think about conflict and compromise. Research suggests that couples wait six years after a problem materializes to seek help (I believe this number is shrinking as the stigma around therapy is lifted), so don’t be a statistic. Invest a few hours in your relationship now. The long term gains will be well-worth the investment.

Relationships often fall apart for practical reasons and a lack of time is one of the most common complaints from couples in 2015. You’re in control of your schedule, so do something about it. Today.

Part of our survival instinct involves the desire to be right, but in relationships, this drive needs to be tempered. Give in. Be kind. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. If you’re more concerned about “winning” an argument than resolving a problem, you need to take a step back and ask yourself whether you care about your partner or your ego. We’re all guilty of destructive behaviour, but the first step to change involves acknowledging our mistakes.

Sex is natural, but it doesn’t happen naturally in most long-term relationships. If you’ve let sex slide, it’s time to talk about it. Try this three-step approach:

1. Tell your partner what you love about your sex life.

2. Talk about a peak sexual experience.

3. Ask your partner how they’d like to be seduced.

Love alone doesn’t keep relationships in tact. Expressions of love, intimate communication and compromise do. Each of these takes work, commitment and an investment of time. Just like career success, childrearing and personal development require effort, so too do relationships. This doesn’t mean that you need to formalize everything about your relationship, but small changes like a short monthly check-in to discuss feelings and needs related to personal, relationship and family status can have a positive impact on relationship satisfaction and longevity.