Sex Sessions: Goals for Sex That Aren’t Orgasm

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Sex is more than just a vehicle for orgasms. Sex is about touch, intimacy, connection and, ultimately, arousal. It’s driven by desire, thrives in the yearning and pleasure-centred sex can be deeply rooted in want.

Of course, orgasm representation in film and television can be confusing — it can conflate entertainment with education. If you’re hoping for steamy sex with perfect lighting and excellent choreography like it happens in Dirty Dancing or Normal People — you may be in for some disappointment. As constant consumers of pop culture, we have to consciously remind ourselves that the narratives and validation we see on screen aren’t realistic. After all, a 2019 study on Hollywood’s sex on screen showed that 39 per cent of the scenes analyzed in movies implied female orgasms, when in reality only 19 per cent of women orgasm every time they have sex.

In the fourth episode of Sex Sessions, Samantha Bitty, our sexual health and consent educator, talks about sex and orgasms during her physical education lesson. “Pleasure is less about a specific moment or destination,” Bitty says, as she challenges her students (read: all of us) to think, “What are some ways pleasure shows up during sex?”

From gentle teasing to open mouth kisses to sweaty snugs after the deed’s been done, pleasure can look different for everyone.

Pleasure vs Orgasm: know the difference

Orgasms are great — they’re often intense, help release tension and feel incredible for many tingling (sometimes pulsing?) seconds. But they’re short and sex is about much more than just the climax. As Bitty points out, orgasms don’t always look or feel the same for everyone and they are just another way pleasure is innate. To find out what is pleasurable for someone, the simplest thing to do is just to ask.

“[You’ve] Got to know how to communicate,” Bitty says. “We can feel inadequate when we don’t cum. Sex is supposed to be fun.”

Enjoying pleasure during sex and experiencing an orgasm are two different things — and while you can achieve both during a session, you can also enjoy one without the other.

Hollywood has a tendency to fixate on the orgasm over the overall enjoyment of sex as it tends to be more entertaining.

Pleasure can be about the happiness and satisfaction in whatever you’re doing, and in a sexual context, it can speak to giving and receiving sexual enjoyment. Whereas orgasm is a release of tension. Hollywood has a tendency to fixate on the orgasm over the overall enjoyment of sex as it tends to be more entertaining. But like movies, some of the best scenes and parts of the experience are found less in the climax and more in the plot twists and character development of it all. In other words, the journey is the destination.

Here are some things you can try solo or partnered during your sexy times. Work on these instead of, or in addition to orgasms:

Exploration: discovering your body

In our Geography episode of Sex Sessions, we talked about erogenous zones across your body and how to find them. While orgasms are great (no one is saying they’re not amazing), the exploration of our bodies and understanding how we may react to certain types of touch can certainly add value to a sexual experience. Why not make it a goal to find out just how to touch your ear, knee or armpit to help sustain the sexy vibe?

Communication: speaking to your body

Whether you’re enjoying sexy times solo or partnered, communication is key. If you’re craving more friction, less pressure or a slower pace, it’s important to express that so you or your partner can better satisfy your desires. You won’t always have to use words — gentle guiding and body language also work.

Related: Sex terms to know in 2021.

Intimacy: strengthening a connection

Rather than focusing exclusively on the physical connection, consider using the close proximity to share and open up emotionally. There’s nothing quite like naked storytelling — sharing anecdotes in the most vulnerable way. You’ll be surprised how engaging someone’s trip to Arizona is when they’re dragging a finger across your skin to help illustrate their adventure.

De-stressing: working out the pressures of life

Kissing can be extremely underrated. Not only can it be next-level pleasurable (making out isn’t just for teenagers and celebs who love public displays of affection), kissing can boost happy hormones including oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin while reducing your cortisol levels (y’know, the stress hormone). Spit-swapping encourages bonding and can even help reduce anxiety. According to author Andrea Demirjian of Kissing: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About One of Life’s Sweetest Pleasures, smooching can increase your heart rate in away that will dilate your blood vessels — which can result in decreasing blood pressure. Read: kissing is good for your heart.

Creativity: sex can be fun and expressive

Bitty supports smashing for creativity. “I personally think sex is an opportunity to explore yourself spiritually and others,” says Bitty. Channel that erotic energy and aim to explore expressions of love, whether you’re solo or partnered.