Sex Sessions: What is Sexual Consent?

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Warning: The following may be triggering to some as it deals with issues surrounding consent.

Picture this: You’re with a new flame, and you’ve both decided to make it a night in. Things are getting hot and heavy on your couch, and fast. You’re just discovering each other, and so much of the excitement is in the unknown. You’re relishing every nerve-electrifying moment and so are they. Your new potential bed bunny is being tender and considerate, asking, “is this OK?” every step of the way. You’re into it but aren’t ready to seal the deal so early on, and at some point signal with your hand, stop there. The person, albeit bummed, expresses their frustration but follows your instruction to not go any further.

In a different scenario, you’re at a party, and while you’ve signaled to your long-term SO that you’re up for a good time, you’ve had a bit too much to drink, and aren’t able to stand up, let alone get down and dirty. You pass out. Your partner’s nonetheless looking for a night cap, and whisks you off to a private spot, where they have their way with you.

Consent looks, sounds and feels different for different people. But what remains consistent is that each of us has personal boundaries worth respecting. While the first scenario may at first blush appear more wrought with potential pitfalls, it’s actually the second situation that ends up being more problematic, despite it involving a long-term relationship.

Here’s why: while the first situation involves a new couple, ultimately the new flame honours the request to not go further. In the second situation, however, alcohol incapacitation renders consent impossible and, regardless of your relationship status (or its duration), consent is always revocable and has to be freely given.

Consent and sexual assault by the numbers

While clearly communicating consent (or its denial) certainly doesn’t prevent sexual assault, understanding what consent entails is critical. However, the Canadian Women’s Foundation finds that two-thirds of Canadians don’t even know what sexual consent means, particularly when it comes to new vs. longtime partners (see scenario one above) and online vs. real-life activities (such as sexting). This begs the question: how can we navigate what we don’t understand?

This lack of understanding points to the need to reprioritize this topic in sex education, especially when we factor in the stats on sexual assault in Canada. The University of Ottawa reports that there are 460,000 sexual assault reports every year, and because of the nature of sex crimes and the shaming and stigmas involved, it’s safe to say the number of those who experienced some form of rape, sexual assault and/or sexual abuse remains underreported. Simply put another way, uOttawa states that one in three women will experience some form of sexual assault in their lifetime. And it’s important to remember that anybody can be a victim, regardless of gender, age, sexual orientation or race.

In fact, Planned Parenthood reports that “certain groups of people are more likely than others to experience sexual assault in their lives. Women (especially women of colour), LGBT[Q+] identified people, and people with developmental disabilities are more likely to experience sexual assault over the course of their lifetimes.”

Here are a few other things to keep in mind when both giving and receiving consent.

A framework for navigating consent

Planned Parenthood has a helpful acronym to remind us what consent covers.

F.R.I.E.S.:

Freely given: Consent is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
Reversible: Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, at any time. Even if you’ve done it before, and even if you’re both already naked in bed.
Informed: You can only consent to something if you have the full story. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, there isn’t full consent.
Enthusiastic: When it comes to sex, you should only do stuff you want to do, not things that you feel you’re expected to do.
Specific: Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to others (like having oral or penetrative sex).

What consent can look and sound like

According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network), enthusiastic consent can resemble the following:

Asking permission before you change the type or degree of sexual activity with phrases like “Is this OK?”
Confirming that there is reciprocal interest before initiating any physical touch.
Letting your partner know that you can stop at any time.
Periodically checking in with your partner, such as asking “Is this still OK?”
Providing positive feedback when you’re comfortable with an activity.
Explicitly agreeing to certain activities, either by saying “yes” or another affirmative statement, like “I’m open to trying.”
Using physical cues to let the other person know you’re comfortable taking things to the next level (see note below).

An important flag here is that involuntary physiological responses like erections and lubrication aren’t physical cues in and of themselves that the person is giving their consent, so it’s still important to check.

What consent doesn’t sound like:

Using physical cues to let the other person know you’re comfortable taking things to the next level (see note below).
Refusing to acknowledge “no”
A partner who is disengaged, nonresponsive or visibly upset
Assuming that wearing certain clothes, flirting or kissing is an invitation for anything more
Someone being under the legal age of consent [as defined by the province or territory]
Someone being incapacitated because of drugs or alcohol. Pressuring someone into sexual activity by using fear or intimidation
Assuming you have permission to engage in a sexual act because you’ve done it in the past

You can practice saying these ahead of your dates if you struggle with asserting your boundaries.

Understanding that consent also comes in wide and varied forms can also help you learn to read when others signal their intentions. And remember, when in doubt, clearly ask for permission to go further or err on the side of caution, and stop.