15 Expert Tips for a Divorce-Proof Marriage

Nothing in life is guaranteed, and when it comes to the promise of “forever after,” marriage is no exception. To get a pulse on just what it takes to keep a happy and healthy marriage in check, we sat down with relationship expert Tara Caffelle, who’s been in the coaching field since 2008. Tara uses simple and effective strategies to help couples elevate their relationships and connect in ways that will prove to be both lasting and transformative. Says Tara, “…there are things, simple things we can do, to stay connected and together. None of it is complicated or even the “work” we are told it takes to keep a relationship alive. Yes, there is effort, but doesn’t have to be hard.” To help you on your relationship journey, read on for Tara’s 15 tips to “divorce-proof” your marriage!
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Date nights

Says Tara: “This is taking the time, each week, for just each other. It can seem difficult, or expensive, when you consider childcare and all the related pieces, but it doesn’t have to be. Trade childcare with friends, ask your elderly neighbour or a family member to be with your children for an hour or two. That’s all it takes. Go to a park, go for a drink, go for a walk, just GO. The important thing is to continue to relate to each other as a couple. Whether we have children or not, it’s critical to fill your relationship cup with this time so that it’s resilient and full of goodwill.”

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Say goodbye when you part each day

“This creates a pause, an intention, and a moment of connection.” Tara goes on to suggest, “instead of dashing out of the house with your travel mug, keys and bag, take the 30 seconds to wish your sweet one a good day.”

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Make time for a greeting when you reconnect at the end of the day

“Similar to the morning, we need to be mindful when we get home. Transition from work, traffic and whatever else you dealt with outside, take a break and arrive home. Kiss your partner, tell them you’re happy to see them and you’re glad to be home.”

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Acknowledge each other for your contributions

“Notice each other and tell your partner what you see. If they’re patient with your kids, tell them you notice. If they’re thoughtful about having dinner ready when you get home, tell them you see it and are grateful. You get the idea.”

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Put each other first

As Tara explains: “Many new parents argue with me on this, but it’s imperative. You must, even when children are involved, prioritize your relationship above all else. You are creating the foundation from which all who are in your family will rely. If you are prioritizing other things, your foundation will crumble, so put your attention, time, energy to this first, and you will see the other areas blossom. And consider that one day (hopefully!), your children will go on to lead independent and full lives, and you’ll want your relationship to have endured all that and have legs to stand on when that happens.”

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Stop yourself from criticizing

“This one is easier said than done, but it’s no less important," cautions Tara. "We all need to feel accepted and safe, and it’s a slippery slope when we start to criticize our partner. If you feel triggered by their behaviour, seek to understand, express what impact they are having on you, aim to accept, and ask forgiveness when you fail.”

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Skin-to-skin contact

“This isn’t even about having sex, although that’s also important. This is about stress-reducing and intimacy-building skin contact. Touch each other. It will do your heart, your soul, and your relationship good.”

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Determine what your love language is

“We all give love with certain preferences; some of us like to shower our love with gifts or words, while others prefer physical touch or to do thoughtful things. At the same time, our preference for how we give is also how we understand and receive love. If we are speaking a different love language than our partner, this can lead to feeling un-loved and not seen.”

One source Tara recommends is 5lovelanguages.com. Here, you can "find your love language and then talk about how you prefer to show and receive love to get on the same loving page together.”

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Be proactive

“The average couple waits a staggering six years to talk about problems they may be having," Tara reveals. "Often, by the time they have reached that place, it’s too late to really heal and rebound together, and it may even feel easier to split up. Even if it’s scary, even if it feels like it will hurt, pull in support, early and often. There is no shame in inviting someone to help you have some difficult conversations; it will be your coach or therapist’s super power to support you and it will save so much heartache in the long run.”

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Ask your partner to weigh in on your life

“We call this turning toward and it means that rather than operating in a silo, we agree to ask for our partner’s thoughts on things that are happening for us, decisions we are making and directions we are not sure of. The best couples even turn toward on things like choosing parking spaces and selecting a menu item in a restaurant. It all makes a difference.”

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Save your kindest words for home

“This is about mindfulness with your time at home. Sure, it’s fine to vent after a long day, but it’s also important to be kind and nurturing to those who you share your home with.”

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Create rituals of meaning

Tara shares that this can really be anything that works for you, “I know a couple who must be apart a lot for work; they take turns hiding a troll doll in one another’s luggage, to be discovered when they are apart. It’s a ritual that works for them to stay connected. We have obvious rituals around holidays and anniversaries, and these are important. Be mindful about creating these moments of meaning together because they will serve to keep you connected.”

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Be a team

“Too often, we land in silos of suffering in our relationships when we forget that we have an intimate, seen-us-at-our-worst partner who absolutely has our back and wants the very best for us. Remember this. Take stock of your history if you forget and need evidence to show you.”

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Don’t divorce

“This one may feel flippant, but it’s not. Marriage will come with peaks and valleys, and sometimes the best way to stay married is just to agree and decide to stay married. Don’t move to the spare room, don’t take a break, just stay. You don’t have to always like your partner, but valleys will give way to peaks, and if you stay, if you hang on, you’ll see them.”

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Cheerlead

On her final tip, Tara finishes with the following, “Be your partner’s biggest fan. Place their joy high on your list and if they’re doing the same for you, you can’t possibly lose together.”

“When we have a relationship that is nurturing and caring, it ripples out to our lives; our children and extended family know they can lean into it and feel secure, our co-workers and employees are inspired by what we model, and we grow and continue to evolve in a place of freedom and support. Happy marriaging!”