The Real Housewives Songbook

Written by fellow RHOA Housewife Kandi, Kim's debut single was a smash by Housewives standards. Lyrically, the song is a campy romp about partying – there's no deep metaphors, and we don't need them: Don't Be Tardy is a ridiculous earworm with equally ridiculous lyrics.

Sample lyrics: Lookin' like a covergirl. Covered in diamonds and pearls. Take the Benz out for a swirl. Drop that top yeah it's my world.

Kim's follow-up to Tardy didn't reach the same Kandi-assisted heights as her debut, but Google Me is still silly enough to be enjoyable, with its over-the-top declarations of just how famous Kim is.

Sample lyrics: My name is Kim Zolciak You can find me on your TV screen / Do your research honey / Click them keys, Google me

Melissa had a string of forgettable pop songs before moving on to her next endeavour – her boutique Envy. On Display was her most worthy offering, and it was full of less-than-subtle shade to her sister-in-law / co-star Teresa, who was spreading rumours about her at the time.

Sample lyrics: Slander my name in all the papers that's what you wanna do / But you keep watching I'll keep glowing, that’s what I'll do for you

She can't really sing or dance, but the Countess is still our favourite Housewives popstar. LuAnn knows to spin RHONY storylines into songs, like Money Can't Buy You Class – the spiritual sister to her book, Class With The Countess. Just like in the book, Lu offer etiquette tips via her lyrics with such pomp that we can't figure out whether she's in on her own joke.

Sample lyrics: And the primary mistake, texting on a date If you make a lady wait, she'll take a pass

Chic C'est La Vie is an ode to Lu's the good life. The lyrics are just a laundry list of the bougie trappings of the elite. We like to imagine there's a lost b-side with Lu rapping about caviar.

Sample lyrics: Gems, jets, silhouettes, champagne in the sky / Fine premieres and fireworks, every single night / Gold, diamonds, caviar, Life is but a dream

LuAnn knew she had a total moment when she shouted "Don't be all uncool" at Heather, and by the time the season was airing, she was ready with yet another song, Girl Code, that's the closest thing to a diss track to ever come out of the Housewives universe.

Sample lyrics: I’m just doing me (You broke the girl code) Don’t be so uncool (Now I gotta let you go)

Jo was the very first Housewife to release a song, and she took a super literal approach, re-writing her entire relationship storyline as a song about how Slade never let her do anything fun. The lyrics read like a high school poem about how parents just don't understand.

Sample lyrics: Ask me who I’m with, where I’m at, where I’ll be. Can’t understand or believe. You tell me how to sit how to feel what to wear don’t give a damn about me.

If Jo's dismissal track about Slade wasn't cringe-y enough, we later got a musical offering from Gretchen that was the last thing any Housewives fan wanted: a love song about Slade.

Sample lyrics: Nothing's going to break me. We're holding on forever, to a love we always knew. I'm nothing without you

The rare single by a Housewives husband, I Am Real is full of deliberate digs at his wife's costars. True to his brand, Simon rhymes "bitter" with "glitter."

Sample lyrics: Gold and diamonds, glitter. The taste is slightly bitter. When wives talk behind my back, they trash me on my Twitter.

There's little room for subtlety in a Housewives track, but Kenya has about zero of it. What her haters say she is – she's not. She's fabulous, as this song reminds us over and over and over. Now, twirl!

Sample lyrics: You say I’m broke, I say I’m fabulous, you say I’m single, I say I’m fabulous, you say I’m done, I say I’m fabulous...I’m Gone With The Wind fabulous! … Now twirl, twirl, twirl, twirl, twirl.

Following her divorce from Kordell, we all knew who the "you" in Flatline was. The video for the track was actually super high budget for a Housewives song, but read that lyrics and you'll see the song for what it is: a bummer.

Sample lyrics: We were better off apart. You took the life out of me. My heart is broken and is flatlined.

Erika had a semi-successful pop career pre-Housewives, but lyrics don't seem to be her strong suit: we've never been able to understand why she wants to get a hug from an analgesic. Do we need to take another Xanax?

Sample lyrics: I feel like I’m a star on the rise. So hold me in your arms one more time. Like a painkillr

The lyrics to How Many F--ks are so dead stupid they're actually kind of smart. And the song is totally fun – we might even listen to it if we it weren't by one of our favourite Housewives.

Sample lyrics: Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One, None ... Zero, Zero, Zero, Done!

Ok, we're cheating a bit, but the lyrics to Bills, Bills, Bills *were* written by a Real Housewife. And you can sing along to every last one of them.

Sample lyrics: You triflin', good for nothing type of brother. Silly me, why haven't I found another? A baller, when times get hard, I need someone to help me out

Basically the same song as Bills, Bills, Bills, but by a different group, the lyrics to No Scrubs introduced us to the perfect word for Slade / Brooks / Apollo.

Sample lyrics: A scrub is a guy that think he's fine and is, Also known as a buster. Always talkin' about what he wants And just sits on his broke ass.