Everything I Learned Not to Do in My Relationships Because of ‘The Real Housewives of New York’

I’d love to get my hands on Ramona’s wine bill someday, because that is some serious goals right there. But one thing that her wine-drinking—well, actually all of the ladies’ wine-drinking—has taught me is that having a heart-to-heart while inebriated is probably one of the worst decisions. Like, ever. Sure, a bit of booze can loosen the tongue and help bring up some of those feelings that you’ve pushed deep down, but all your filters just go out the window. A fun girls’ night with light gossip and table-dancing? Sure, fill up the glass. A super serious talk about that thing my friend did three weeks ago that I can’t seem to let go of? I think I’ll be sticking to tea for that, thank you very much.

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When I’m up in my feelings over something someone did to me, I find it very hard to stop, think rationally, and consider how my actions may have hurt a friend or loved one. After all, if she’s not apologizing, why should I be the pushover? But then I think about Jill Zarin and Bethenny Frankel, and their beautiful friendship that once was. Jealousy totally got in the way of those women and their (once) awesome relationship. Had Jill just stopped and apologized for her bad behaviour (or even accepted Bethenny’s own apology), the world could have once again had that dynamic duo.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we? I’m talking all the way back to the Kelly years, when the ladies were still trying to have actual conversations with the model and going on “scary” vacations with her. Jelly bean rants aside, Kelly proved so many times that talking over people isn’t just impolite, it’s super frustrating and annoying. Sometimes you actually need to stop and listen to what a person is saying in order to get your own point across, no matter how in your feelings you actually are. Otherwise, people may just write you off for good.

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Look, I say try on wedding dresses whenever you feel like it—whether you’re with someone, engaged, married or divorced. You do you and be cool with that. However, watching Tinsley try on wedding dresses with her mom before checking in on her frozen eggs? That was just next-level emotional. Tinsley had only just gotten back together with Scott Kluth and the image of her in a dress while video-conferencing with “her babies” was a lot to take in. For the sake of my own emotional health and for the friends and family around me, if and when I do ever venture back into a bridal shop it’s going to be with a nice calming cup of tea and videos of cute puppies loaded up on my phone just in case.

I love Bethenny’s quick wit, sarcastic sense of humour, and ability to cut through someone’s long-windedness with one little remark. But I think we can all agree that sometimes she goes a little overboard, especially when it comes to sharing her opinion. I’ve learned that honesty isn’t always the best policy because sometimes people either don’t agree with your opinion or aren’t ready to hear a dose of reality. Sometimes it’s actually better not to say anything and to let people figure things out for themselves. With a signature Bethenny side smile, of course.

I think it’s natural that, when something bad happens to someone you love, you want to try and relate to them by showing them how much you understand what they’re going through. As a result you kind of put your own experiences above theirs. Know how I came to that conclusion? By watching Dorinda’s version of “comforting” Sonja Morgan after her divorce. Yes Dorinda lost her husband and she’s allowed to have feelings. But saying that Sonja shouldn’t be upset because at least her ex is alive? The last time I checked those were two totally different things. Maybe Dorinda should walk in someone else’s pumps for a change. I know I’m going to try it out.

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When it comes to getting hot and heavy in between the sheets, it’s always fun to mix things up. But one thing that is just never fun? Using your teeth. Like, for anything. First of all there’s too much room for error. But even more importantly, teeth are not meant for fabric foreplay. Just ask Sonja, who lost her tooth trying to tear the button off a guy’s shirt. Nothing — and I mean nothing — ruins the moment like one of your chompers coming out. I don’t know if it was the reminder that I needed, but it was certainly a reminder that I appreciated.

Remember that time Bethenny told Sonja she should follow her entrepreneurial dreams, so Sonja did and she went out and created Tipsy Girl Prosecco? Not only did her creation sound a lot like Skinny Girl, but the website also used the same colours. I’ll always look back to that memorable period in RHONY history whenever I’m collaborating with co-workers or trying to put my own creative spin on something. Nothing sends a professional friendship into a downward spiral faster than stealing ideas and passing them off as your own, no matter how unintentional it may have been.

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Obviously no one wants to hear bad news, but is it really fair to lash out at the messenger? Luann clearly thinks it is. Who could forget the day Bethenny received that text with proof that Tom was cheating on Luann, and (after gathering all the facts), went to her friend with a heavy heart? Luann’s reaction was less than classy—after all, it wasn’t Bethenny that cheated on her. I mean, I get that sometimes you just have to let your feelings out, but thanks to the former countess I also now know that it’s better to take a breath, consider who or what is actually causing me pain, and then to aim my glass of wine in that direction instead.

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Okay so this is probably the most classic lesson in Housewives history, thanks to that little tune Luann put out. But I’d argue that the true lesson here is that your relationships make up your life experiences, so they’re bound to find their way into your creative ventures at some point. But how much you include those relationships is up to you. A little shout out to a friend or lover in a song? Well that’s probably appreciated. A full-blown Jovani-level confessional? Well, that could lead to some hard feelings with your friends, especially when you’re letting the rest of the world into your drama. Thanks to Luann I think I’ll invoke the “class” part of classified in the near future, and stick to writing about other topics.
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