10 Things I’ve Learned from Being the Female Breadwinner

What’s it really like to make more money than your husband? It’s great — and it’s complicated. Any time you flip gender roles on their head, people will give you side eye and wonder what’s really going on. I may not be the norm, but like me, more and more Canadian women are out-earning their partners, and navigating what it’s like to bring home the bacon.

Even in the best relationships, money can be awkward and emotional. Deciding who pays for what, how much you save, where to go on vacation is underlined with what you can afford and who is paying for it. I’ve had to check my privilege and have difficult convos (OK, fights) about money more than a few times. Here’s what I’ve learned along the way as the female breadwinner.

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1 / 10

We’re honest about how much we make (and our debt)

Sharing our finances and doing our taxes for the first time made me realize just how much more I made and how much debt my husband had. At the time it was mostly student debt, which highlighted the fact that my financial reality was (and is) totally different than my husband’s.

This moment made me realize that we needed to start talking honestly about our finances and to put it all on the table. It was hard, but it helped us come up with a budget and worked towards shared financial goals.

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2 / 10

Splitting things down the middle didn’t work

Because I was kind of clueless about his finances, when we moved in together, we split the bills 50/50, which sounded fair in my head. But I soon realized that while I always had fun money, he was just scraping by.

The game-changer was dividing our expenses by the percentages of our total income. He made 1/3 of what I did, he paid 1/3 of rent, utilities, internet bill, etc. while I picked up the rest. This felt a little more balanced and allowed us to pay bills and both have some pocket change.

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3 / 10

Money does give me more options

When I don’t feel like cooking, I know I can order food or take us out for dinner. Or when there’s a Sephora sale, I can treat myself without thinking. I know that my husband doesn’t always have that same freedom to throw money at problems or buy anything he wants. So when I do splurge, I try to make it on something that we can both enjoy, like a fancy dinner, a weekend ski trip or a pricy Uber ride across town when we’re both exhausted.

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4 / 10

I’m kind of bossy about money

As a personal finance nerd, I love talking about savings rates and investment strategies, but I know my husband doesn’t. That often means I have too many opinions on what he should spend (or not spend) his money on, which isn’t fair. If the roles were reversed, would I want him telling me how to spend my hard-earned money? No way! This Capricorn has control issues and this is one thing I need to chill out about.

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5 / 10

We’ve learned to plan together

From groceries to emergency cat surgery, having the same financial goals has helped us spend with each other’s opinions and feelings in mind. It took me a long time to realize how emotional money can be and how my earning and spending made my partner feel. Sharing our values and concerns have helped us understand each other’s financial perspectives and helped us plan together, no matter who pays the bill.

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6 / 10

I’m always afraid of losing my job

No matter your gender, the pressure of paying the bills, food and rent is real. I’m not going to lie and say that I haven’t worried about layoffs or downsizing or company profits. I’ve had fever dreams of spiralling into debt. But having a solid emergency fund, living within our means and sticking to a budget has helped me sleep better at night.

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7 / 10

We still split the housework

Just because I bring home the bacon, doesn’t mean that my husband is expected to cook it. We still split the chores and errands right down the middle. If he loads the dishwasher, I’ll empty it. Sure, there are days when I have a glass of wine while he scrubs the bathroom floor, but that isn’t a habit. We see taking care of our home as part of caring for one another, which is why we share the duties.

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8 / 10

Money doesn’t equal value

Just because someone pays me more for my skills than my husband’s, doesn’t mean that I’m better, or more important than him. The value capitalism puts on our jobs doesn’t dictate who we are as people. There are so many things that we contribute to our communities, cultures and relationships that you can’t put a price on and our humanity is one of them.

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9 / 10

It’s not really about money — but power

I think the real reason why people are uncomfortable with wage gaps in a relationship is that it implies an imbalance of power. Like if one person contributes more financially, then the other is somehow expected to bring value in other ways. I don’t buy into that at all, but I understand that power dynamics can be difficult to navigate in any relationship.

white piggbank on mustard floral tablecloth

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10 / 10

But I’m still not ready to combine our money

Even though we’ve been together since college and married for more than two years, we still have separate bank accounts. I’m an open book when it comes to budgeting, debt and savings. We regularly show each other our bank accounts and I do our taxes but we still don’t have a joint chequing account. The thing is, our system works. We trust each other to spend wisely and stick by our goals for savings. If we had shared accounts I think it would drive me crazy to see every transaction, and frankly, I don’t want to micromanage our finances. If we are on the same page and hitting our financial goals as a couple, it works.