Why You Should Say I Don’t (at Least for Now)

Often, we make big decisions in our lives because we feel the pressure to keep up with everyone around us. We say YES and jump the gun because we worry about missing out and falling behind. When it comes to getting hitched, these hasty decisions are no different.

Everyone takes that next step for different reasons; and while we like to think that most people do it for the right ones, the statistics on divorce for our generation would beg to differ.

Yes, you may be blissfully joined in a healthy and happy committed relationship. No, this does not necessarily mean you are ready to fast track to married life. No one can tell you what questions to ask to determine if you are or aren’t ready to take that step – only you know where you stand in both your relationship and as your own person.

You are the only one who can determine what you are or aren’t ready for, and at the end of the day, only you will have to live with those decisions.

Few of us find ourselves on a permanent honeymoon with our SOs, and to have that expectation would be both unrealistic and unfair. That being said, if you find yourself feeling doubtful about your relationship and lacking clarity on where you both stand, this would be a very clear indicator that you and your partner are not ready to take on the ultimate challenge. If you’re thinking that your rocky status will resolve itself once you say your “I do’s” – think again. Open communication and a solid foundation are the keys to figuring out where you stand and where you see yourselves headed. And if you’re as solid as you think you are, then what’s the rush?

You may be very much in love, but if the prospect of getting married has you reaching for a paper bag, this might be a sign that you are not yet ready to put a ring on it.

You’ve had a vision board with your wedding palette mapped out since your first date. You have an online bookmark with your top dress prospects sourced and ranked. You have a general idea of venue, menu and floral arrangements – and that one photographer you keep on speed dial for just the occasion. Needless to say, you’re on board with the idea of planning a wedding. You dream about being the belle of the ball, and get goosebumps thinking of a day spent trying on fluffy white dresses in front of an adoring audience of your closest people.

Believe it or not, more people than you’d think accept proposals every day out of politeness. Shocking, yes, but not as absurd as it sounds. Sometimes we find ourselves in a relatively happy and healthy relationship, but just slightly out of sync. One person might think things are perfect, and the other may feel you are both ready for that next step. So you’re asked – and with no viable reason to say no, you readily accept a proposal that you shouldn’t, for the fact that you’re unsure of what will happen if you say no.

Open communication is one of the most critical components of a successful partnership. You may not always find yourselves in sync, but if you’re able to talk to one another the way you should be, then even something as awkward as a rejected proposal shouldn’t be a deal breaker. If it is, you might have just dodged a bullet.

Congratulations – but sorry, love alone won’t cut it. Committing yourself to another person in as permanent – and contractual – a way as marriage is not something that should be determined based solely on butterflies and a shared love of TV marathons. While love is a very important part of it, so is financial independence, emotional stability, open communication and all those other pesky elements of a healthy union.

Your love may be lasting, but are your finances if one of you should hit a rough patch? Are you prepared to commit your life – and assets – to another person in a way that can only later be dissolved in the courts? Do you share the same vision of the future? Do you think you are strong enough together to weather any storm that might come after the honeymoon? These may not be comfortable topics for date night, but if you can’t have them – then you aren’t ready to meet at the altar – and there’s nothing wrong with that. Take the time to enjoy the place in your relationship you are at right now – you won’t ever find yourselves here again, savour it.

Often we look for traits in others that we feel we lack in ourselves. Amongst these traits is a lack of financial security. We feel insecure about our own financial independence – or lack thereof – and look to our significant others for the reassurance that comes from knowing you have someone to lean on in tough times.

Nothing wrong with this – so long as it doesn’t prove to be the motivator for taking as big a step as marriage in a bid for the financial security that accompanies a joint income. Comfort from our SO is critical in a loving and supportive relationship – but a healthy relationship will see both people actively motivating one another to better themselves, not enabling them to become dependent on the other person. Remember: no couple is complete if either person is only half of a whole. Find your independence and bring that personal success to the relationship.

So change it. Plans and goals are always a good idea, but don’t base your life’s happiness according to some blueprint that doesn’t reflect your current situation. Just as outside pressures shouldn’t play a role in making life decisions, neither should the pressures you put on yourself.

Reality check: it’s 2016 – the modern day family unit doesn’t look much like it used to. The original model has been tweaked and revamped and now families come in all shapes and sizes. You may find yourself in a place where you and your partner are ready to start a family, but you may still be harbouring some reservations about the whole “marriage thing.” Rest assured, you’re not alone. A growing number of families qualify only as common-law, having never taken the plunge – officially. Marriage isn’t for everyone, and that doesn’t mean a family isn’t in your future.

Where to begin? For one, it’s expensive. Divorce is costly, financially and emotionally. Whether amicably settled over coffee or argued through attorneys from across a courtroom, divorce takes a toll on everyone involved, and then some.

If the prospect of divorce is comforting as you contemplate marriage, take it as a very clear sign you aren’t ready. While there’s nothing wrong with divorce as a last alternative to two people who just couldn’t make it work; no one should readily enter into marriage with divorce in their back pocket. That much reassurance of an exit strategy should be a clear sign that you’re just not ready.