15 Red Flags You Shouldn’t Marry Your Fiancé or Fiancée

One major indication that your partner may not be the right one to marry has to do with their level of maturity. Not solely an issue related to age, immaturity on your partner’s end might mean that they have been unsuccessful in certain areas deemed “basic life skills” – which may translate to being an unreliable partner in a marriage, according to psychiatrist Abigail Brenner, M.D. So, if your fiancé has trouble with “taking care of themselves, managing their finances and personal space, holding onto a job, and making plans for their life and future” it may be a sign to put marriage plans on pause.

Another major red flag to consider before heading down the aisle is fear. Marrying someone out of fear (whether that fear has to do with concern over hurting your partner’s feelings or fear of their reaction to the relationship/engagement coming to an end) is actually a clear sign of an unhealthy partnership, according to a post on Marriage Missions. If you're experiencing this type of fear, it's a warning that you should consider taking a step back.

Creative coach and champion of both happy individuals and healthy relationships, Allison Fallon identifies “giving up what’s important to you” as one of the red flags you should not ignore when making plans to marry your partner. The most important issue here, notes Allison, is not so much what you are giving up, but why. If the source has everything to do with your partner’s influence, and little to do with your own choices, this might be a hidden sign you should not get married.

Do you find you have little, if any, control? If your partner insists on calling the shots at every turn, odds are this will only continue (if not worsen) in your marriage, note Dr. Charles & Dr. Elizabeth Schmitz of YourTango. If one partner has total control in a relationship, that should not be ignored as a red flag. As Dr. Charles and Dr. Elizabeth note, there are no bosses in a true, loving relationship.

Licensed professional counselor, Lynda Cameron Price, cites constant fighting as a red flag you should not be getting married. Ultimately, whether it’s you or your partner picking the fights, consistent bickering may be an indicator that something more substantial is lurking below the surface, she revealed in a post on Insider. Underlying issues causing routine conflict in your relationship are things you should aim to resolve before getting married.

According to Marriage.com, how long you’ve known your partner plays a pivotal role in predicting the success of your impending marriage. While every case is different, it’s safe to say that even though it might feel like a sure thing right now, taking the time to get to know your partner is crucial in setting the foundation for marriage later on. This doesn’t have to mean calling off your wedding, but if the both of you are committed to making it work – what’s the harm in extending your engagement long enough to make sure?

In a piece on Psychology Today, psychologist and psychotherapist Dr. Harriet Lerner points out that you should, “…consider whether the relationship is good for you.” If time together leaves you feeling diminished more than uplifted, this is likely a sign that the two of you are just not a good match – and marriage definitely won’t fix that.

If the goal of marriage is forever, then you and your fiancé are signing up for a lifetime of being together, which should mean you both have a vested interest in what the other person's vision of the future looks like. After all, once married, your futures become a shared one to some degree, right? So, as an online article for Women’s Health Magazine pointed out, “…if he isn't showing an interest in your future, it might be because he doesn't see himself in it.”

Self-love coach Jennifer Csajko believes there are five clear red flags to indicate that you and your fiancé might not be getting married for the right reasons. One of the worst reasons to commit to someone else through marriage is doing so to “keep up” with those around you. Everyone’s journey is unique, and in subscribing to the path of others, you are only setting yourself – and your relationship – up to fail.

Recurring and substantial doubts are one red flag you simply can’t ignore. In an article for True Love Dates, written by professional counselor, speaker and author Debra Fileta, she is quick to point out that while some doubts are normal in a relationship, these should, over time and in a healthy relationship, diminish and subside. Whether rooted in your own issues, or ones stemming from your relationship, don’t ignore nagging doubts. As Fileta says, you should instead “seek to get to the bottom of and work through” these feelings.

The wedding-authority website, Everything Engagement notes it’s easy to “…get so caught up in the fairytale of a wedding, that we forget just how much work marriage can be.” One of the warning signs they mention is mistakenly thinking your partner is perfect. Warns the article, “if you can’t think of a single thing that annoys you about your mate, you don’t know him or her well enough!” Take the time to look beyond the fairytale feelings and get to know the real person who will be standing next to you at the altar. Without a realistic understanding of who your fiancé truly is, warts and all, you shouldn’t be taking the leap into marriage.

According to relationship specialist Rachel A. Sussman, LCSW, one crucial indicator that your impending marriage is doomed has to do with your feelings of loneliness. In a healthy relationship that’s on track towards the ultimate commitment, you should absolutely not be feeling lonely. If your partner has you feeling isolated in your own relationship, it may be time to have a very serious talk – and consider putting the brakes on your rush down the aisle.

Rightly so, the Legacy Project notes “violence toward you of any kind” as a very serious sign that you should not be getting married. While yes, this one might seem obvious, it’s shockingly common in relationships. This is not something you should try to work out, but a sign that you should instead do everything you can to swiftly – and safely – remove yourself from the relationship. A fiancé that makes you feel unsafe will not become a husband who makes you feel differently.

Kris Vallotton, a best-selling author and pastor, warns, “Never marry someone to fix or change them; it never works!” He goes on to explain that whatever vices, behaviours or disagreeable traits your fiancé may have as your partner, will only transfer into the reality of your marriage. It’s not that issues you have with your partner can’t be worked out, but marriage definitely isn’t the fix.

The website For Your Marriage highlight just how important it is to note that a partner struggling with dependency is not someone operating of their own and controlled free will. To couple those unresolved issues with the pressures and expectations of marriage is not only unrealistic, it is unfair to the both of you, and detrimental to your partner’s chances of resolving their issues.