The Not-So-Freebie Five
After the flood of comments on yesterday’s Freebie Five discussion, I had to weigh in on a few things. First, I’m pleasantly surprised by the participation of our male readers out there. I didn’t know you existed, let alone knew how to type messages onto the internet. Second, no offense, but you dudes need a bit of guidance on the whole Freebie Five concept. Not that I wouldn’t like to, um, “Freebie” the lovely ladies on your lists, but you are all but inviting the scorn and ridicule of the fairer sex with your choices. Let me explain.
The Freebie Five, while dressed up as a fun little party game, is much, much more. It is a litmus test by which the women in your life will judge you entirely. Sassy Sailor alluded to this yesterday:
“On the other side, one can’t help but analyze or critique another’s choice implying that the Freebie Five is an accurate reflection of what one truly values and looks for in a person. To be honest, I tend to agree with the latter.”
She does, as does every woman you know. Is it fair for women to judge your valuation in people based on five celebs you’d like to bone? Kind of, actually. But it’s also fair for us guys to come into this scenario prepared. Here are some things to keep in mind when making your selections:
- Unless you’re under 20, don’t pick anyone under 20. No one wants to know that you’re attracted to Hayden Panettiere.
- Many women associate physical and emotional attraction much more closely than men do. This is why they think we’re shallow when we say we would sleep with people like Paris Hilton. And again, they might be right.
- There is a direct correlation between the number of times a woman has appeared in Maxim magazine and your girlfriend’s reaction to you putting her on your list. And not in a good way.
- Anyone who has been in rehab more than once, appeared in a sex tape, or had their vagina photographed while exiting a limousine is off-limits.
- Do not put porn stars on your list. For every possible reason, ever.
So who’s left? Plenty of beautiful, intelligent, funny women that carry themselves with integrity and self-respect. Really, the kind of women we should be most attracted to in the first place:
- Kate Winslet: Great actress, highly intelligent, healthy marriage, great mom, and beautiful in a non-waif-thin way.
- Tina Fey: Hilarious, sassy, smart and stylish. Like a female Will Ferrell, only way hotter.
- Kate Beckinsale: Beckinsale’s got her bases covered. Serendipity for the gals, Underworld for the guys, and Van Helsing for people who like crappy movies.
- Natalie Portman: Ever since Katie Holmes headed off to robot camp, Portman has been Hollywood’s reigning girl-next door. Dudes want to make out with her and girls want to be her best friend. She’s like the anti-Zellweger.
And that’s not to mention Rachel Weisz, Rachel McAdams, Isla Fisher and so on and so on. Have I missed anyone that absolutely should or should not be on the list? Any criteria that I’m wrong about? Any that I missed? Think my whole premise is ridiculous? Sound off below in the comments, and have a happy Tuesday!