The 10-Step Guide to Winning Every Argument With Your Significant Other

Nobody wins when two people who love each other are at one another’s throats, but sometimes it’s unavoidable. If you find yourself on the brink of a fight and you know deep down that you’re in the wrong – APOLOGIZE. Nothing will cause more tension and distrust in a relationship than arguing just for argument’s sake. No one likes to be told they’re wrong when both people know they’re right – don’t risk creating a cavity in your relationship just because you’re feeling frisky.

A fight doesn’t always need to be a fight – and more often than not, it didn’t start out that way. At some point in the conversation, things got heated and tempers flared – but if you think before you speak and set the tone for a constructive discussion, you’re already halfway there.

If there’s an issue you want to address and you’re concerned it may turn into a fight, set the tone by initiating the conversation when you are both calm and relaxed, with time to spare. No one ever won an argument by stoking the fire the moment their SO walked in the door, or publicly causing a scene and triggering the other person’s defenses.

You might be surprised to learn that, whether in an argument or any general setting, the majority of your communication is being interpreted via your body language. How you sit, stand, move and gesture can make a world of difference when trying to express yourself successfully, and with minimal conflict.

A great rule of thumb is to mimic the other person’s body language, creating a feeling of being in sync and encouraging the other person to relax. This is also a great practice for truly understanding your partner, as we often tend to overlook clear signals being given through another person’s body language. So get fluent, and let your body do the talking!

When making your case, remember that the more convinced you are of your argument, the more difficult it will be to argue against your point. When someone holds strong to their convictions and speaks calmly and clearly, you can’t help but give them the benefit of the doubt.

One of the biggest mistakes we make in arguments is repetitive use of the word “you.” When making your case, your argument should have more to do with you and your own feelings than the actions of your SO. By consistently making claims against your partner using the word “you”, you’re creating a defensive atmosphere and placing blame.

While your SO may be at fault, they will tune you out if they begin to feel attacked from the get-go. Instead of pointing fingers, explain your reasoning, your feelings and where your reactions are stemming from in a way that looks at the bigger picture, not just a cause for blame.

We’re all guilty of getting sidetracked in an argument and putting everything but the kitchen sink on the table. Getting off topic, or reminiscing about past issues is counterproductive and immature. If you truly have a valid point, then make it – and stick to it.

Veering off topic is a good way to get tangled up in a fight without any idea how you both got there. Keep in mind: the goal is resolution, not retaliation for every wrong you’ve ever felt in the relationship.

Let’s be honest, when we fight with someone we love – no one wins. It’s never fun to be at odds with the people closest to us, and if it’s possible to resolve things by sharing the blame, then that’s a win any day of the week.

Generally speaking, most issues in relationships stem from situations where, to some degree, both people are to blame. If you can reconcile this fact and take responsibility for your respective share of the problem, then you can move forward in a positive way. If you can both walk away feeling like you’ve been heard, then that’s the best kind of win.

Nothing screams guilt like bad eye contact. Out of conviction, and respect for the other person, make sure you are always making direct eye contact with your SO – both when you speak, and when they are speaking. Nothing is worse than pouring your heart out only to find the other person looking away and disconnected from the conversation. Do them the courtesy of holding your gaze, and they’ll do the same.

Successful communication – and any shot at getting your point across – can only happen if you’re engaged in a mutual discussion with your SO. This requires more than just your voice, and while you may feel that you have more to say than the other person, it would be a mistake to discount their right to speak.

It takes two people to make it work, and everyone deserves a turn at the mic. Open the discussion to both what it is you're saying, and what it is they're hearing, and you might be surprised at what you learn.

You’ve set the tone, made your case and won the war – now what? It’s tempting to continue on in the discussion and revel in the moment. This is also known as “rubbing it in” – don’t do it. Firstly, it’s petty – you’ve made your point, why leave negative energy in the air? Instead, take the opportunity to be the bigger person and handle this small victory with some grace. Ensure the other person knows you appreciate their understanding, and never push the point once it’s been made.

A happy and healthy relationship takes compromise and communication – know when to call it quits and get back to the good stuff.