How is This Guy Still Single?
Man reveals the perfect date in totally awesome OK Cupid dating profile.
In what might be the best OkCupid profile ever, Catcherintheguy from Grosse Pointe, Mich., describes his perfect date in the self-summary portion of his profile. In a nutshell — it's amazing. No, really, the guys on Online Dating Rituals of the American Male should take note. It takes a funny, self-aware person to come up with something this hilarious and his creativity should be applauded.
First off, what he calls "our perfect date" (in all its splendour):
I pick you up in my 2002 Mazda Protege. ES edition.
As you enter my sensible, fuel-efficient vehicle, you're enveloped by the erotic perfume of pine air freshener and cool ranch Doritos.
Perched in the cup holders are two wineglasses.
On the armrest, a box of Franzia Reserve.
We clink glasses, toasting the evening ahead: "Isn't this illegal?" you whisper sensually.
"Only if driving under the influence of passion is against the law," I reply sexily. And with that, my 4-door compact sedan slowly accelerates us into the night.
I take you to a fine restaurant. And as we enter the grand lobby of the Cheesecake Factory we're warmly greeted by the maitre d, Tiffany. They know me here.
By the time we get to our impossibly large booth, you're already enchanted by the restaurant's stucco elegance. I watch you struggle with the multi-volume menu. The epicurean possibilities have overwhelmed you. So I take control and order for us.
All 237 items.
An endless line of former art-history majors and improv enthusiasts forms a processional of Buffalo wings, sliders and Chicken Piccata, all destined for us. After sampling the Tex Mex Egg Rolls and French Toast Napoleon, you rest your fork, defeated. The luxurious presentation of food continues unabated.
Emerging from your food coma, you ask in a low husky voice, "Can you afford to pay for all of this?" Reaching across the faux-marble table, I take your hand in mine, gaze deeply into your sparkling eyes, and charmingly reply: "I forgot my wallet at home. I'm going to need to borrow some money from you. And by some, I mean a lot." You are speechless.
Initially, I fear that my words of seduction have rocked you into a catatonic state. But then I notice your eyes looking up and to the right. Towards the entrance. Your yearning desire to pay the bill is clear to me. As is your desire to make out with me in the parking lot of this casual, but upscale, chain restaurant. The sexual tension between us is so thick that we could cut it with one of the many steak knives that litter our table.
But instead of paying the bill, you excuse yourself to visit the restroom. You take your purse, jacket and all other personal possessions with you, saying you’ll return shortly. 10 minutes pass. Then 20. I start to worry that you’re not coming back. But then I remember something that puts my fears to rest. Of course you're coming back. We still need to order dessert.
So, aside from all that, he's not a liar. Catcherintheguy states that while he is looking for a monogamous relationship (and might, one day, want kids), he's also cool if it's just a short-term thing. And, hey, if it doesn't work out, you can still be friends. He's also 5' 5", a fact many guys would hide and then upon first meeting, would be wearing Timberlands even though it's the dead of summer.
But what's best isn't his taste in movies (from Scorsese, del Toro, Malick, Kubrick), music (Radiohead, Tribe Called Quest, Depeche Mode, Bowie, Neil Young), TV (Bob's Burgers, True Detective, Archer, South Park) or books (anything by David Sedaris, Margaret Atwood, Jonathan Lethem, Tom Wolfe) — though it's all fascinating and wide-ranging. Nor is it his wit about what he's really good at, like keeping his life "in a state of good repair," his incredible fashion sense ("Deep-V over a turtlenect. Brilliant!”) or my particular favourite, being good at "inciting laughter, preparing omelets, connecting dots and calling bullsh*t."
No, no, what's best is his ability to, and his hope that others will also be able to, get past this:
Honestly, online dating females, get on Catcherintheguy — before someone else snaps him up.
Denette Wilford is a writer with a focus on entertainment and lifestyle. She has been writing about television since 1999, and dabbles in the worlds of celebrity gossip, royals, parenting, love and sex. Her work has appeared in Huffington Post, AOL, The Loop, Yahoo, iVillage and TV Guide Canada. Follow her on Twitter @DenetteWilford