There are few things as painful as heartbreak.  Hearing the one you love tell you that they don’t see a future with you is not only devastating but can bring you to a dark, depressed place.  But no matter how long you were together, there are certain ways to cope with this loss.  Unfortunately, trying to change his mind and continuing to pursue him isn’t one of them.

When we're in a state of shock and sadness, we often don't want to admit – especially to ourselves – that it’s really over.  Instead, we try to prevent the hurt from hitting us and devise a plan to change the situation.  Here’s why that’s counterproductive (I’m certain you need a reminder right now):

1. Looking back
We get so caught up in the moment, which is why many of us are so grateful for hindsight, when it eventually comes.  When you're in a relationship and especially when one ends, we're often wearing rose-coloured glasses.  We tend to replay the good times in our head, and leave out all the toxic tell-tale scenes that showed things weren’t working out.  This is the mind and body’s way of protecting us.  Don’t buy into your biased thoughts.  For if you act on them, you will look back and see yourself as a victim and perhaps as the "crazy ex-girlfriend," a title no one wants.  Instead use your support group and deal with the situation so you can look back down the road with your head held high.

2. Things happen for a reason
Though you can’t see it now, what you’ve likely learned throughout your life is that things work out how they’re supposed to.  Perhaps you’ve lost yourself in your relationship and it ending will force you to focus on yourself -- which can lead to a successful career, great friendships, reconnecting with your family and being independent.  Perhaps though your partner seemed pretty perfect, there might be someone else who is a better match just waiting in the wings?  They say when one door closes, a window opens.  Instead of forcing something, let it be so everything can work out how it’s meant to.

3. Acceptance
Getting over heartache is as simple as accepting that it’s over.  The more you pine after your lost love, play reels of the good times in your head, and try calling and texting and emailing them to no avail; the more harm you’re doing to yourself.  At the end of the day, you need to put yourself first.  Doing all the above is just prolonging the inevitable hurt.  Instead, realize that – even though you thought he was the one – he saw a different picture.  Respect yourself enough to know that you deserve someone who wants to be with you for the amazing person you are.  Accept that you both feel different, and that it’s over and start to cope.  Whether it’s talking to friends, reading some self-help books, seeing a therapist or eating a pint of ice cream, do that which it takes to move forward, not backward.  The second you accept it is the same second you can start to live your life for you.

Jen Kirsch is a relationship expert, columnist and blogger. For quick tips and tricks, follow her on Twitter @jen_kirsch. Read her posts every Tuesday on


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