Last week on The Real Housewives of New York, some drama erupted (shocker!) over London-based Heather inviting all the RH’s to come visit — except for Ramona! (Hilarious episode title: “Diss-Invite.”) So far this season, these two ladies have definitely had a disconnect, so it makes sense that Heather didn’t feel the need to be fake and include her. Still, sometimes you need to suck it up, especially when constantly dealing with a clique of women, for etiquette’s sake.

With the holiday season in full swing, there’s a chance that perhaps you too have been left out. Before making a big scene like Ramona did, and talking (and kvetching) about your party exclusion to everyone and anyone who will listen, keep these four tips in mind.

1. Get the facts. Perhaps there was a specific reason why you were excluded. Maybe it’s an event for immediate family; maybe your ex or frenemy will be there and the host doesn’t want awkwardness; maybe it’s all-couples, you’re single, and the host didn’t want to make you feel the lonely holiday 5th wheel blues. Before you go jumping to conclusions, do your research. I’m not saying it’s right for someone to exclude you and I’m not saying you don’t have a right to feel hurt — just, before you form opinions, speak poorly, hold a grudge or cut ties with the host, know what you’re dealing with.

2. Keep it classy. In the modern world of social media, nothing is private anymore. Before you shoot off a negative text or email, or post passive-aggressive status updates about your exclusion on Twitter or Facebook, consider that all of this can be shared and/or forwarded, not only to the host, but others as well.

3. If you hear about the event before it happens... If you get advance word about the event via a mutual friend, why not check in with the host to make sure all is OK? Your intention for this isn’t to get a pity invite, but just to gain some clarity. We often walk around oblivious to our effects on others. And ask in a non-threatening way, giving the host the opportunity to think about their response. When you do get a response, listen to it. It could’ve even been an oversight, so don’t waste your time selling yourself short and letting this lack of inclusion get the best of you. Instead of making assumptions, simply ask. (You also might get that invite, too.)

4. If you find out after the fact… Waking up one morning to look at your Facebook and Twitter feed only to find your friends’ festive photos everywhere? Definitely hurts. Feelings of rejection will no doubt arise, as will tales you’ll come up with about why so-and-so didn’t want you there. Still, it’s important to use those emotions in a healthy way. Perhaps you and the host aren’t as close as you thought — perhaps they didn’t want to be fake and include you “just because”? Someone else’s actions say more about them than you. Try your best to not take it personally. Feel free to Like a photo or two, to be a good sport. If you’re up for it, check in with your friend (similar to the “before” tip above), to make sure all is good. Just don’t make a drama-fueled deal out of it. The way one handles a tough situation shows their character most. Rise above! Oh, and remember: there’s always another party.

Jen Kirsch is a relationship expert, columnist and blogger. For quick tips and tricks, follow her on Twitter @jen_kirsch. Read her posts every Tuesday on