Can Women Pursue Men?

You like him. He very well might like you. But you don’t want maybes — you want to get the wheels in motion. Of course, you can just come up with a flirty little one-liner, or any excuse to contact him. Perhaps you’re even confident enough to ask him point blank if he wants to grab drinks.

But perhaps you’re also second-guessing yourself. What if asking him for drinks comes off a wee bit aggressive? A mite desperado? Ideally, he’d profess his undying love for you; traditionally, the guy always chases the girl.

Well, times have (supposedly) changed. Still, can a woman ever really pursue a guy, and if so, how can she do so without scaring him away? How do you go after — and get — the man you want without coming across too strong?

Find out if he is single and available
Homewrecker is not a label anyone wants and it doesn’t do karma any good. Before you reach out, confirm his relationship status, whether it be asking mutual friends or checking online.

Be available
Books on ‘The Rules’ say you should never be too available, but with social media and all the over-sharing that many of us partake in, he may think that you’re spoken for when really you’ve been single and looking for the past number of months. If he knows you’re single, he might just do all the work on his own, so whether you allude to it, or dare-to publicly update your status, you can equip him with the simple fact that you’re fair game.

Play it safe
I’m all for hiding behind social media to initiate a love connection, but options like BBM or Facebook live chat, or worse — a phone call — put him on the spot, and might catch him off guard. If you are Friends on Facebook, send him a private message. Make it short, sweet and subtle. Instead of asking whether he’s single or if he wants to go on a date, or even just talking about the type of girl(friend) you are, simply start off with small talk. Check in more and more frequently, to see how he’s doing. Leave your conversations open-ended so he can choose to write back if he wishes, but doesn’t feel any pressure. You should be able to judge, based on his responses, or lack thereof, whether he is interested in pursuing the conversation (or anything further).

Be patient
Patience is the name of the game, here. If you don’t hear from him — particularly in the social media situation above — do not bombard him with follow-up messages asking why he hasn’t communicated. There is nothing that screams desperate more than a lady who can’t be patient. If you never get a response? Don’t dwell; just move on. We can’t control others, but we can control how we react.

Don’t put all your eggs in one basket
I’m not saying go off and date a whole hockey team (though that might be some people’s fantasy in the making), but don't bank everything on this one potential guy. If he doesn’t get back to you, or if things don’t go how you had hoped, it will bring on feelings of rejection and greater disappointment. Be open to pursuing more than one man at a time, so long as you are interested in them as well as leave your options open.
Jen Kirsch is a relationship expert, columnist and blogger. For quick tips and tricks, follow her on Twitter @jen_kirsch. Read her posts every Tuesday on