Top 10 : Top 10, Sasha Bogin

Crappy Friends

Sporty Vixen — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 13:00:00 GMT

Friends that make you want to put the “end” in fri-end-ship

We’ve all had them. We still have some of them. But hopefully we don’t have too many of them anymore. Here are some of the crappy girlfriends we’ve had.

The Whiner
They hate their job. They’re not happy with their relationship. They can’t stand the way their body looks. But they sure love talking about it. They have a terrible meal then complain the portions are too small. They win a new Porsche but don’t like the rims. And don’t even try to talk about yourself—no matter how you change the subject it will always lead back to topics of their garden-variety angst.

The Favour-Seeker
You haven’t heard from her in a while, but when you do, you best believe she needs something. Months go by and suddenly you’ll get an email from her. By the time you reach the second line (the one after the obligatory “How are you?”), she’s already hit you up for a favour. From lending her your favourite dress to letting one of her distant cousins stay with you while he’s in town from Minsk, the favour-seeker doesn’t know when to stop asking and you apparently don’t know how to stop giving.

The Drunk
This friend takes almost every opportunity to get thoroughly trashed and you’re the one who has to make sure she doesn’t get vomit in her hair or leave the bar with a three-fingered man named Uncle Teddy. This girl only cares if she’s having a good time, at least before she feels that one sober moment of guilt as she hurls in the cab you’ve paid for to get her home. Unless it’s your baby’s, it’s generally not a good thing to be intimately familiar with someone else’s upchuck.

The Liar
You’ve caught this friend lying about almost everything. Most of the lies are small, like how she spent $20 on a bag you know costs at least $100. Some of the lies are big, like how she competed in a soccer tournament in Mexico City when you know full well she hasn’t played any sport since she was forced to in high school. At some point it becomes a game of her thinking you might be on to her while you wonder how far she’ll go before you call her on it.

The Canceller
Whenever you make plans with this person you pretty much expect them to call you about two hours before your scheduled meeting time to cancel. For some reason, she always agrees to hang out, no matter what it is you’ve proposed. You need help moving? She’s totally in. You need a partner for squash on Tuesday? She’s so there. But when the actual time comes for the planned event to happen, she’s too busy/stressed/tired/sick/full-of-it to meet up.

The Insulter
She is the queen of snarky comments and reminds you of Dorothy Sbornak from The Golden Girls. Only you’re not as clueless as Rose or as slutty as Blanche, so why all the disgust-laden remarks? When you show her your cute new plaid shirt, she smirks and points a finger westward saying, “Umm, Seattle’s that way.” This friend is allergic to happy and can certainly never be happy for you. Don’t expect a compliment from this one unless it’s immediately followed by an eye-roll or a sneering one-liner. These friends can be amusing, but if your life isn’t a sitcom, it gets tired real quick.

The Last Resort
She only hangs out with you when her boyfriend is busy, on vacation, out with the boys, or in prison (a.k.a. in with the boys). “So what are you up to on Friday night? Chris is out of town this weekend so—” Stop right there, biatch! Don’t call someone to hang out just because you don’t have anything better to do now that your bf is away. Your friend’s Friday night plans may have only consisted of cleaning the fish tank, but that doesn’t mean she should drop everything just to fit in to your schedule. We’re not some Pauley Shore movie desperate to be rented.

The Backstabber
This is the friend who told a medium- to large-sized group one or more of your deepest, darkest secrets. If you’ve ever practised kissing on a poster of Scott Baio or said something about the cottage cheese-like nature of one of your mutual friends’ ass, odds are she’s spilled the beans. And many and/or all of your friends now pity and/or despise you. After a few of these secret-shankings, it’s just a matter of time before you finally move your back away from the knife.

The Pick-Me-Up
You only hear from her when she needs to discuss her problems. Don’t expect a call when she wins the lottery or gets engaged. For you, good news need not apply. She only requires your services when she’s passed over for a promotion or when she’s feeling upset over something her boyfriend did or didn’t do. You secretly thank Caller ID for giving you the option of not dealing with her more often than you’d like to admit. You could put your picture on a bottle and sell it as an emotional douche for her to use in your absence.

The Chronically Late
This is the kind of friend who shows up at your wedding two hours late. So what if it’s “the most important day of your life”? She can’t help that it takes her at least three hours to get going. And when she shows up “only” half an hour late while you’ve been waiting for her in the freezing cold, she acts like she’s done you a favour. The only way you can get her to arrive anywhere on time is by telling her to meet you at least an hour before you actually need her to be there, or by sneaking into her apartment and setting the clocks back.

Written by: Sasha Bogin

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Top Ten Blondes That Give Blondes a Bad Name

Sporty Vixen — Mon, 02 Jun 2008 13:00:00 GMT

There are tons of classy blondes out there – women like Scarlett Johansson, Gwenyth Paltrow, and Marilyn Monroe are always in high demand (despite the fact that Scarlett gets tested for HIV twice a year…for real). So, this list is by no means meant to be an attack on our fair-haired brothers and sisters. In fact, many people on the list aren’t even natural blondes. But the people below helped to perpetuate the unflattering blondie stereotypes of being air-headed and a little bit crazy while simultaneously making us ashamed to be part of the same society.

1. Paris Hilton
This is an obvious one, so let’s get it out of the way first. I don’t think anyone out there would call Paris a positive role model, unless endless partying, starring in internet sex tapes and serving time have replaced intelligence and grace as things we look for in role models. Actually, it’s starting to feel that way. Because everywhere I look there’s some fake blonde, fake tanned, scantily-clad girl walking around with a Chihuahua in her arms talking on a pink cell phone. I don’t know if this is true, but I heard that you can actually contract a sexually transmitted disease just by saying, “That’s hot.” Be careful, people.

2. Tonya Harding
On January 6, 1994, the world watched on in a combination of horror and mild amusement as the Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan incident unfolded and forever changed the face of pro figure skating (though the old face of figure skating was just boring). When Miss Harding had some goons club Nancy Kerrigan in the leg to sabotage her performance, it was like watching a scene straight out of a soap opera. A soap opera with women in five pounds of makeup, twelve pounds of rhinestone-encrusted costumes and sixteen fluid ounces of hairspray. Tonya was simply living out her credo that if you can’t beat the competition, beat them up.

3. Britney Spears
Another obvious choice, Britney definitely hasn’t helped put an end the negative image of blondes, between rehab fiascos, flashing her stuff, shaving her head in public, driving with her baby on her lap, and (lest we forget) the drug abuse. When you lose custody of your kids to the outstanding parental abilities of Kevin Federline, you know you need help.

4. Miss Piggy and Janice the hippie Muppet
Sure, they may be puppets, but they really messed me up as a child. Miss Piggy made me believe that all blonde pigs were sexually aggressive toward frogs, and Janice, the lead guitarist of Electric Mayhem, was clearly stoned all the time and even spoke in a feminized Tommy Chong voice. It all made me laugh, but it definitely didn’t make me have much respect for blonde puppets.

5. Chrissy from Three’s Company
The consummate dumb blonde TV character, Christmas “Chrissy” Snow was a ditzy receptionist who snorted when she laughed, and whose boobs jiggled when she snorted. The hotpants-clad Chrissy was often misunderstood by good old Jack and Janet and would launch into long and convoluted explanations that made no sense to anyone but her—while her bosoms jiggled.

6. Jessica Simpson
She thought that canned tuna was chicken on primetime television. No wonder Nick got to steppin. Even John Mayer was too embarrassed to admit he was dating her. But without Jessica, Saturday Night Live would lose a good eight percent of their material.

7. Ann Coulter
Okay, she may not be an obvious choice, but this is a blonde I was determined to put on this list. A devout Republican and Democrat hater who is often caught making inaccurate and ridiculously offensive statements, she may not be known for being slutty, but she’s definitely ignorant. And I hate her. And she’s blonde. And she’s stupid. But don’t just take my word for it, take hers:

"God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God said, 'Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours.'"

“[Canadians] better hope the United States does not roll over one night and crush them. They are lucky we allow them to exist on the same continent.”

“I think the government should be spying on all Arabs, engaging in torture as a televised spectator sport, dropping daisy cutters wantonly throughout the Middle East and sending liberals to Guantanamo.”

Thanks, Ann.

8. Anna Nicole Smith
I know she’s dead, but let’s be honest—she didn’t help the blondes. This 1993 Playboy Playmate of the Year was 26 when she married her wheelchair-bound 89-year-old billionaire oil tycoon husband… whom she met while working as a topless dancer. Besides being regarded as a golddigger, Anna went on to publicly humiliate herself on her reality TV series and various videos posted on YouTube that exploited her penchant for drugs, sexual desires and lack of education/physical fitness. If only poor Anna had any true friends to help her out.

9. Eva Braun
One word: Hitler.

10. Lindsay Lohan
Another unnatural blonde, Lindsay was in rehab before she was even legal drinking age and arrested twice for drunk driving and possession of cocaine. This is definitely not a girl you bring home to meet your mom. Unless you’re Britney Spears. Or Paris Hilton. I only have one question, Lindsay: Why don’t you just get a chauffeur? This really could solve a lot of your problems. No one would pull you over for being as drunk as a hobo who just downed an entire bottle of mouthwash if you had a chauffeur. But I guess that’s why you’re on this list.

Written by: Sasha Bogin

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