Friends that make you want to put the “end” in fri-end-ship
We’ve all had them. We still have some of them. But hopefully we don’t have too many of them anymore. Here are some of the crappy girlfriends we’ve had.
They hate their job. They’re not happy with their relationship. They can’t stand the way their body looks. But they sure love talking about it. They have a terrible meal then complain the portions are too small. They win a new Porsche but don’t like the rims. And don’t even try to talk about yourself—no matter how you change the subject it will always lead back to topics of their garden-variety angst.
You haven’t heard from her in a while, but when you do, you best believe she needs something. Months go by and suddenly you’ll get an email from her. By the time you reach the second line (the one after the obligatory “How are you?”), she’s already hit you up for a favour. From lending her your favourite dress to letting one of her distant cousins stay with you while he’s in town from Minsk, the favour-seeker doesn’t know when to stop asking and you apparently don’t know how to stop giving.
This friend takes almost every opportunity to get thoroughly trashed and you’re the one who has to make sure she doesn’t get vomit in her hair or leave the bar with a three-fingered man named Uncle Teddy. This girl only cares if she’s having a good time, at least before she feels that one sober moment of guilt as she hurls in the cab you’ve paid for to get her home. Unless it’s your baby’s, it’s generally not a good thing to be intimately familiar with someone else’s upchuck.
You’ve caught this friend lying about almost everything. Most of the lies are small, like how she spent $20 on a bag you know costs at least $100. Some of the lies are big, like how she competed in a soccer tournament in Mexico City when you know full well she hasn’t played any sport since she was forced to in high school. At some point it becomes a game of her thinking you might be on to her while you wonder how far she’ll go before you call her on it.
Whenever you make plans with this person you pretty much expect them to call you about two hours before your scheduled meeting time to cancel. For some reason, she always agrees to hang out, no matter what it is you’ve proposed. You need help moving? She’s totally in. You need a partner for squash on Tuesday? She’s so there. But when the actual time comes for the planned event to happen, she’s too busy/stressed/tired/sick/full-of-it to meet up.
She is the queen of snarky comments and reminds you of Dorothy Sbornak from The Golden Girls. Only you’re not as clueless as Rose or as slutty as Blanche, so why all the disgust-laden remarks? When you show her your cute new plaid shirt, she smirks and points a finger westward saying, “Umm, Seattle’s that way.” This friend is allergic to happy and can certainly never be happy for you. Don’t expect a compliment from this one unless it’s immediately followed by an eye-roll or a sneering one-liner. These friends can be amusing, but if your life isn’t a sitcom, it gets tired real quick.
The Last Resort
She only hangs out with you when her boyfriend is busy, on vacation, out with the boys, or in prison (a.k.a. in with the boys). “So what are you up to on Friday night? Chris is out of town this weekend so—” Stop right there, biatch! Don’t call someone to hang out just because you don’t have anything better to do now that your bf is away. Your friend’s Friday night plans may have only consisted of cleaning the fish tank, but that doesn’t mean she should drop everything just to fit in to your schedule. We’re not some Pauley Shore movie desperate to be rented.
This is the friend who told a medium- to large-sized group one or more of your deepest, darkest secrets. If you’ve ever practised kissing on a poster of Scott Baio or said something about the cottage cheese-like nature of one of your mutual friends’ ass, odds are she’s spilled the beans. And many and/or all of your friends now pity and/or despise you. After a few of these secret-shankings, it’s just a matter of time before you finally move your back away from the knife.
You only hear from her when she needs to discuss her problems. Don’t expect a call when she wins the lottery or gets engaged. For you, good news need not apply. She only requires your services when she’s passed over for a promotion or when she’s feeling upset over something her boyfriend did or didn’t do. You secretly thank Caller ID for giving you the option of not dealing with her more often than you’d like to admit. You could put your picture on a bottle and sell it as an emotional douche for her to use in your absence.
The Chronically Late
This is the kind of friend who shows up at your wedding two hours late. So what if it’s “the most important day of your life”? She can’t help that it takes her at least three hours to get going. And when she shows up “only” half an hour late while you’ve been waiting for her in the freezing cold, she acts like she’s done you a favour. The only way you can get her to arrive anywhere on time is by telling her to meet you at least an hour before you actually need her to be there, or by sneaking into her apartment and setting the clocks back.
Written by: Sasha Bogin
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