Inspired by the Real Housewives: A Double Shot of New Jersey and Atlanta
What a wonderful time to be a Slice girl! With not one but two new Real Housewives series to keep us company into the chilly autumn nights, it’s time to grab the champagne and some tunes to toast the arrival of our new besties from New Jersey and Atlanta. Thought the gals from the Big Apple and the O.C. were a handful? You’ve seen nothing yet!
The Bitch Is Back—Elton John
Or shall we say the bitches are back?! We love the Real Housewives for their outlandish, catty behaviour yet hate and envy them for their spend-a-thon benders. It’s a perfectly entertaining love-hate combination!
Best lyric: I can bitch, I can bitch ‘cause I'm better than you. It's the way that I move, the things that I do. I entertain by picking brains; sell my soul by dropping names.
Money Honey—Lady GaGa
These Real Housewives are hardly the pinafore-draped damsels that would come knocking to borrow a lowly cup of sugar. Baking pies? Isn’t that what nannies and housekeepers are for?
These ladies are too busy boosting the economy with their brazen shopping sprees to be Miss Susie Homemaker. It’s in their DNA to spend profusely, receive exorbitant gifts and not feel guilty.
Best lyric: That's M-O-N-E-Y, so sexy. Damn I love the Jag, the jet and the mansion. Oh yeah! / And I enjoy the gifts and trips to the islands. Oh yeah!
There’s a reason why the Housewives franchise focuses solely on cliques of ball-busting, no nonsense women—men are putty in these gals’ immaculately manicured hands. Any male who crosses their path gets his just desserts. Consider yourself warned.
Best lyric: She's a maneater / Make you work hard, make you spend hard, make you want all of her love / She's a maneater / Make you buy cars, make you cut cards; wish you never ever met her at all!
Friend of Mine—Lily Allen
What Lily really means is, keep your friends close but your enemies closer. At first glance it might seem odd to quote The Godfather Part II’s Michael Corleone but we’re not talking the Real Housewives of Calgary here!
Best lyric: I don't want us to have a fight but in the background I can hear you chatting shi / I hear it every night. And you think you're being really cool / You've been doing it since we were both at school / Now who looks like a fool / You're no friend of mine, girl and I've known it for a while, girl.
The Real Housewives have their manicurists and hairdressers on speed dial for good reason. Vigorous catfights and hair pulling freak-outs are their warped idea of the perfect cardio workout. Why let a heartfelt apology get in the way of all that carb crunching?
Best lyric: I beg your pardon. Were you talking to me? / How many more times are you gonna tell you’re sorry before you take me up in my misery? / I need more than an apology.
Paranoid, much? Looks like someone has been the victim of a frenemy backstabbing. Swimming with society sharks isn’t for everyone.
Best lyric: Smiles they hide behind; never know what’s on their mind…could be true deception / Jealousy and envy reign, they never want to see you get ahead / They just hold you back / Friends will let you down / Friends won’t be around / When you need them most where are your friends?
I Don’t Care—Shakespear’s Sister
You’ve seen how vicious their brawls can be and you still want to hang with this clique? Best to heed the advice of Shakespear’s Sister and adorn your bod with a "I don’t care" deceit deflector. You’re gonna need it.
Best lyric: I don't care if you talk about me / I don't care if you write it out in stone / Whenever I fall I land on my feet / I don't care. I just don't care / I don't care if you act like a queen / I don't care if you take it out on me / I've got 9 lives and I land on my feet / I don't care. I just don't care.
These women do not make any excuses for their behaviour. Apologizing just takes too much time when there are charitable balls to organize and new frenemies to be made.
Best lyric: I'm a bitch / I'm a tease / I'm a goddess on my knees / When you hurt, when you suffer / I'm your angel undercover. I've been numbed, I'm revived, can't say I'm not alive / You know I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sisters Are Doing It for Themselves—Aretha Franklin
Not all the housewives are insincere, kept women with nary a brain cell. Most have their own careers and are more than self-sufficient, thank you very much. Kudos to those among the Real Housewives who hold real jobs, selflessly aid charities, and rock the designer threads while doing so!
Best lyric: Sisters are doin' it for themselves / Standin' on their own two feet / And ringin' on their own bells.
Written by: Jackie Middleton
For more, please check out Jackie’s blog at www.losethatgirl.com/
Visit the show pages for the Real Housewives of Atlanta, New Jersey, New York, and Orange County for schedules.