If you’re spoiled and you know it, write a song.
There are some stars out there who like to pretend they’re still all down with the streets. Take J-Lo for instance and her insistence that she’s “real” even though we know she’s just an eccentric crazy lady with twins and a butterface husband who never goes into the sun. And then there are the stars who are real – they are as spoiled as Leona Hemsley’s dog and have the good sense to know it. This is the story of some of those stars. Bless them.
Stars Are Blind – Paris Hilton
I think in newer versions of Merriam Webster, you can actually catch a snapshot of Paris next to the word “spoiled”. And who else with so little talent gets a bunch of hot men to sleep with her, free clothes, and ridiculously self-congratulatory music videos? (Oh, wait…) Check out her terribly unsuccessful, over-produced rip-off of every other pop video to come before hers.
Best lyrics: If you show me real love, baby, I’ll show you mine
Rumors – Lindsay Lohan
Ahh, the “I’m famous, feel sorry for me” cliché. The thing is, I actually do feel sorry for her. Have you seen the dance sequence in the video for the song? It’s embarrassing. Doesn’t this girl have access to a bunch of professional choreographers?
Best lyrics: Why can’t you let me do the things I wanna do?
Girlfriend – Avril Lavigne
I’m often on the side of big name pop stars when people try to start claiming they’re sellouts. Like, Madonna always just wanted to *** it up and be famous, therefore, she can’t be a sellout. But Avril, who is obviously a seriously manufactured pop star somehow managed to make herself more of a commodity than she was before, thus resulting in her downfall. It’s actually deliciously ironic—her music was never good, but at least it used to qualify as a guilty pleasure. Now she’s just spoiled utterly rotten—this song is vomit-inducing.
Best lyric: Hey! Hey! (sophomoric beat)
Champagne Supernova – Oasis
If ever there was a band to write a self-important opus, it was Oasis’ ridiculously long Champagne Supernova. While the Gallagher brothers are still out gallivanting and shooting their mouths off, it’s a little sad now that they’re so old. Grow up, boys!
Best lyrics: Where were you while we were getting high?
I Get Money – 50 Cent
Who’s a better symbol of conspicuous consumption than Fiddy himself? He’s so into himself, he’s not even in on the joke. Despite the garish nature of the song and the misogynistic video, the song has infectiousness on its side. Sorry.
Best lyrics: Have a baby by me, baby, be a millionaire / I’ll write a check before the baby comes, who the f*** cares?
Material Girl – Madonna
In this unadulterated 80s nod to consumerism, Madonna spells it out for all potential suitors: buy me stuff or get no love. Though in the iconic video, she does realize that money isn’t everything (yawn), the underlying theme is that it actually is. To be on the safe side, send her diamonds just in case. See the 90s for Madonna’s pseudo-spiritual revolution and the 00s for her subsequent return to materialism and claims that she can save the world.
Best lyrics: We are living in a material world
Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend – Marilyn Monroe
Speaking of Madonna’s iconic video, you should probably see the classic scene from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes it was based on. Apparently this is the 12th most important song from a film of all time, according to the American Film Institute. Love it.
Best lyrics: Get that ice or else no dice
Miley Cyrus – Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Miley definitely wants to have fun. With her Madonna-whore thing starting early, she’s already posed nude for Vanity Fair and, less classily, posed half-naked for her own webcam. Navigating fame can be tough for a young lady! But she’s definitely apropos for this list—word is that she’s already finished writing her memoirs. At 15.
Best lyrics: See song title.
Stronger – Kanye
Arguably one of the best pop artists of the decade, Kanye is anything but humble. With a sense of entitlement rivaling arch-nemesis George W, Kanye is often bragging about his game, his style, his money, and his skill. If the biz has spoiled anyone, it’s Kanye the Great.
Best lyrics: You should be honoured by my lateness / That I would even show up to this fake sh*t
Luxurious – Gwen Stefani feat. Slim Thug
If I hated Gwen Stefani any more, I might be able to kill her with my mind. Either way, she went from being cute-femme-girl-power-Cali-chic to booty-girl-wannabe-wife to has-been-Gavin-Rossdale. Embarrassing, for sure. This incredibly unoriginal video demotes her to a money-hungry insult to serious musicians everywhere. I bet Tony is so glad he broke up with her!
Best lyrics: Cha-ching cha-ching we're loaded and we're not gonna blow it
Written by: Nicolle Weeks