Ducking Dating Desperation
You’re finally over the guy whose name will go unmentioned and you’re ready to hop back on the dating wagon. But it’s been way too long since you’ve gone on a date and you’re having a hard time determining what’s a good approach for finding a fella you fancy without giving away the fact that you’re a little raw. Here are 5 ways to send out the good vibes without the desperation.
Summer lovin’ (well, spring, too — and fall, and winter!) is all about crushing and wanting and having fun. If you’re into someone, make your intentions known. Set the wheels in motion. It needn’t be any kind of flamboyant declaration, either — send a flirtatious open-ended Facebook message, not asking any questions, just putting yourself out there. Make sure it’s something simple that puts no pressure on him to respond because, let’s be real here, this is reverse psych 101. If he is into you, you can bet he’ll be messaging you back and will make efforts to maintain the conversation stream.
Don’t be pushy
“Hi, my name is James, and I want a girl who is needy, pushy, aggressive and desperate.” Who said that? No one, ever. So, once you’ve made your intentions known, let him do the work. A gent who’s into you will be reeled in by the bait and will respond positively. (See: FB flirt, above.) Now, if you don’t hear back from him, don’t follow up and absolutely do not try to convince yourself that he didn’t get your message. Just let it be and move on to the next guy with your dignity intact. (Don’t take it personally, either: You never know another person’s situation, and their decision to write back or not is about them, not you.)
If your conquest responds positively to your pursuit, and you make plans to see one another in person, make sure to set a romantic, versus a friendship, tone, right off the bat. You can accomplish this by simply touching his arm in a subtle fashion, bumping his shoulder when you walk down the street, grabbing his hand (and quickly letting go) when you are making a point — basically, make some type of physical connection in order to test the waters and set the aforementioned tone. This makes it impossible for him to mistake that you might just be hanging out with him just because; this confirms for him that you have other intentions.
Say yes to set-ups
If you have friends that want to play matchmaker, let them do the work for you. (Kind of like tip #2.)Think of it this way: Your friends know you like no one else, and are likely to have a pretty accurate idea of what you’re looking for in a mate. Let go of the idea that going on a set-up or blind date is for people who can’t land their own lovers. In a best-case scenario, you’ll be (pleasantly) surprised by the people you meet. And if it doesn’t go well? Advantage: you — because, since your friends did all of the Cupid targeting, you can’t be referred to as that girl that hits on every/any guy.
Date multiple men
Oh yes mama, you read that correctly. You have not just my approval but my orders to date men aplenty. When you date more than one guy at once, you aren’t as needy or overbearing. Desperation: annihilated! Sometimes clients of mine fall prey to the spell that is the initial lust for a new guy, and spend all their free time texting, Tweeting, trying to plan dates, etc. By dating multiple men, you will not only be able to easily discern the options and variety, but also know that if things don’t work out with one guy, your feelings and spirit will be safeguarded because you didn’t give too much away to one person, too soon.
The bottom line for those of you re-joining the dating scene: Be positive, believe in yourself, and trust your instincts. If you don’t hear back from new guy #1, move on to #2 (and #3 and #4 and #10 and beyond); know when to walk away from the wrong situation. The longer you linger, the more “crazy girl” you become. That’s not good for the most important person here — you.
Jen Kirsch is a relationship expert, columnist and blogger. For quick tips and tricks, follow her on Twitter @jen_kirsch. Read her posts every Tuesday on Slice.ca.
Also by Jen Kirsch