Analyse This

Analyse This: Mommy’s Purse

Scotch Mommy — Wed, 05 May 2010 18:23:00 GMT

First Glance:
Everyone knows most women feel naked without their handbag and the woman offering up today’s exhibit is certainly no exception. She doesn’t go anywhere without packing this bag to capacity. And while motherhood seems to have thrown her a few curveballs in terms of what she needs to pack into her handbag in order to survive a few hours away from home, she appears to be determined to catch those curveballs. And then throw as much stuff back at them as possible. Our hypothesis is that she’s multi-faceted, prepared for anything, and also rather stylish. Who needs a diaper bag, anyway? Because this is so not a diaper bag—although it does contain diapers. And wipes. And diaper cream. But in fact it’s a purse. A handbag. An enormous one. Some people would use this bag as carry-on luggage when embarking on an international flight. (Actually, there’s a chance it would exceed the size and weight limit. It’s that big.)

Analysis
She has a pair of cheap knock-off sunglasses right up near the top of the pile of stuff in her bag, where she can easily reach them should the sun get too much for her. Or, perhaps if she has to quickly hide her identity from the paparazzi or the mom she inadvertently missed a play date with last week. We do have a suggestion: she might want to look into a more quality pair of shades, since cheapies tend to lack full spectrum UVA and UVB protection for the peepers. The next item we unearth is a bottle of Heiko 100% Natural Physical Sunscreen UVA & UVB Ultra Protection Cream. Impressive. This is an excellent choice for mommies and babies alike, as it’s chemical free and provides complete sun protection (www.heiko.ca). Also, it’s a Canadian-made product. Looks like this mama likes to shop local!

We see she’s willing to splurge and go for imported when it comes to her reading glasses, though: is that a Coach glasses case we see? But she gets back to her roots with her reading material—although we’re not quite sure when she thinks she’s going to get a spare moment to read with two toddlers running around, we’re impressed with her choice of novel. Appearing to be ever the optimist—perhaps she can get in a page or two between slide rides and swing pushes—we see she’s packing Can-lit genius Andrew Kaufman’s latest fictional romp, The Waterproof Bible. (We’d like to think she’s not just reading this book because its gorgeous cover matches her handbag; surely she’s also entranced by the tome because of Kaufman’s tall-tale-telling prowess and exceptional way with words.) We also see a book for the little ones: Sweet Dreams, Polar Bear, by Mindy Dwyer. We like this one, because it’s got gorgeous illustrations and it teaches children all about the natural wonders of the Canadian north. We’re growing to admire this woman, who appears to engage in random acts of reading whenever possible!

She also appears to have a lot to say herself: her packed-to-capacity bag contains not one but two notebooks, made from 100% recycled paper. Apparently, she never sacrifices the environment in favour of getting her thoughts down on paper.

There’s a tube of baby lotion, for dry skin emergencies, we suppose: Live Clean (baby) Moisturizing Baby Lotion, which smells divine and is natural, vegan, and organic. We’re starting to get the feeling this woman cares about the planet. Perhaps she’s trying to make the world a better place for her babies?

When it comes to her skin, it’s not neglected: she’s got a compact for shiny nose touch ups, and it’s all-natural, too, via Canadian cosmetic company Pure + Simple’s Rainforest Foundation Crème powder. The compact is even refillable! There’s also a great deal of lip balm and gloss in this extraordinarily full handbag, which makes us think this woman holds her lips in very high regard: Karite organic lip balm, Dr. Hauschka Lip Care Stick, Chapstick Lip Moisturizer, and Clarins Instant Sun Light Click & Gloss. Does she have the softest, shiniest lips at the playground, or what

On to more practical matters: there’s a bottle of Benefect Botanical Disinfectant, which we presume she employs as a chemical-free way to rid her stroller’s snack tray of germs. And there’s also a bottle of Clean Well All-Natural Hand Sanitizer, for alcohol and chemical-free hand-cleansing on the fly.

There’s a cell phone and wallet, of course. (The wallet is so packed with receipts it reminds of George Costanza’s backbreaking billfold, and we hope she doesn’t intend to open it on a windy day!) But her wallet packrat tendencies are forgiven when we see that in all her hasty looking bag packing, she hasn’t forgotten sustenance for her young ones: there are Fruit to Go strips for low blood sugar situations.

Aside from the diapers and the wipes, this is where all practicality ends: there’s also a box of Tweezerman Matchbox Itty Bitty Files, in case she breaks a nail, we suppose. And a chunky gold bracelet and silk headband, in case she suddenly needs to channel Carrie Bradshaw and accessorize her play date attire. Our conclusion is that this is a yummy mummy we’d like to get to know—but we absolutely do not ever want to have to carry her bag for her!

Written by: Marissa Stapley Ponikowski

Analyse This: Yoga Bag

Guest Blogger — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 13:00:00 GMT

First Glance
The yoga chick. We think we know the type: she’s calm, enlightened, svelte, understated. She eats lots of granola, and she uses that crystal deodorant stuff. She rarely wears makeup because she’s so secure in her own skin she doesn’t need to. But wait, what’s this? This Slice girl is different, we can see that already. Her yoga mat bag over floweth with product. Holy mother of Krishna, is she going to yoga, or spending the afternoon at a spa? We’re shocked and fascinated. Does anyone really need this much stuff to go to a yoga class? And what’s with the mini-flat iron? While our first instinct might be to judge this Moksha maven, and possibly call her a tiny bit vain, we suspect we’ll eventually have to admit this girl might be onto something. So we’ll do more investigating, in search of the answers to these questions and more: can an afternoon or evening spent doing hot yoga also be an opportunity to give ourselves a double purpose facial? Is slathering ourselves with subtle smelling oils, then getting downward dog and dirty, a high intensity way to smooth and moisturize ourselves all over? Can we, like this girl, end up glowing, gorgeous and totally ready to hit the town in our newly enlightened state, just by employing a few little known, beauty-related yoga moves? We think this girl might have something to teach us.

Analysis
She certainly doesn’t seem to be the most practical or level-headed type - seriously, she needs to invest in a bigger yoga bag. We’re impressed with the Benefect Botanical Disinfectant spray (grassrootsstore.com), which is an all-natural way to keep her mat germ and mildew free. We’re also completely carried away by her Invocation Liquid Smudge Spray, a magical concoction that’s supposed to dispel negative thoughts, clear the air, and uplift spirits. We’re in! Spray it on us!

Her Purica Steel Vacuum Flask (from grassrootsstore.com) is a sleek and sophisticated water bottle—she’s smart enough to stay hydrated in style. Good sign! And we also see a towel, which no hot yoga participant can possibly survive without. Headbands and hair clips also make the approval list. But all these items are standard yogi fare. It’s those bottles of potions that have us transfixed.

What’s with all the Pure + Simple stuff? A little research tells us this product line is Canadian-made and all natural (pureandsimple.ca) and that this girl is an addict. She’s picked products designed specifically for her ayurvedic type, like the Organic Pitta Body Oil. It’s very lightly scented, so unlikely to bother her fellow yoga classmates—and if she smoothes it on before class, once things start to steam up, the moisturizing formula will do double duty cooling and calming her oh-so-hot skin.

We also see Pure + Simple Pure Skin Face Oil and Algae Serum, which we think we saw her piling on before class. And after class? We’ll admit, she was glowing and gorgeous, like she’d just had a holistic treatment, not spent an hour and a half contorting herself into unlikely positions and breathing deeply. She’s now our natural beauty idol. After class, it looks like she spritzes on Pure + Simple Organic Peppermint Hydrosol to soothe any heat-related inflammation, then steps into the shower and lathers up with Dr. Hauschka’s all-natural Blackthorn Body Wash (www.drhauschka.com/). And oh, look, her deodorant is Dr. Hauschka, too. No crumbly crystal for this downward dogger.

Once she steps out of the shower, we hide behind a plant and watch as she blow dries and flat irons on the go, with her adorable Rowenta Ultramini Hair Straightener (www.rowentabeauty.ca). We can safely say no one in the change room has one of these babies. Next, she evens out her complexion with Pure + Simple Rainforest Foundation, and draws attention to her peepers with ultra-gentle Clinique mascara. Then she applies lip-gloss. A lot of it, apparently: we see at least four different tubes of the stuff peeking out of the pocket of her bag. Finally, she rolls up her mat, stuffs it into her Lululemon bag (we still have no idea how she fits everything else in there), and strolls out of the change room, sipping water and noshing on Chocosol 5-Chili Chocolate (grassrootsstore.com ) to feed the fire inside her. Where is she off to? We wish we knew. She looks fabulous. Om!

Written By: Marissa Stapley-Ponikowski

If you thought this article was stlyish and hip, check out these related Analyse This articles:

Analyse This: Cosmetic Case
Analyse This: Jewellery Case
Analyse This: Shoe Selection

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Analyse This: Crowded Book Shelf

Scotch Mommy — Thu, 19 Feb 2009 19:40:00 GMT

First Glance:
Bookshelves: an organizational essential in most homes. Even if you’re not a connoisseur of fine literary works, you probably have at least one trusty bookshelf propped against a wall. They can play host to family photos, beloved collections, DVDs, or your music library. While some think that a snoop through a bathroom cabinet can unearth the behind-the-scenes goods on your friends, others believe that bookshelves reveal the real face behind the mask. Life as an open book, perhaps?

Take the Slice girl we’re visiting today. Man, that’s one overloaded set of shelves! Virtually overflowing with books, some stacked neatly, others jammed in, grabbing every last available inch. This shelf screams bookworm. Hard covers rule the roost with a few paperbacks squished in for good measure. A very well-read person lives here and wants visitors to know it. At the same time, however, she also wants you to be aware that she’s not all dusty library books and snore-worthy essays! No, she’s fun with a capital F. Her book mountain is supplemented with toys, kiddie artwork, cheeky greeting cards, and other silly paraphernalia. Yes, librarians can be wacky, too!

Analysis:
Turning the page to access more insight, it looks like we’ve entered the lair of someone with multiple personalities. Either Sybil calls this shelf her own or there’s more than one person sharing this shelf. My theory: a very unique and complex breed of couple—half bookworm, half pack rat—are responsible for this eclectic collection.

While it’s true that the primary modus operandi for most shelves is to safely house an unruly book collection, this wall unit is clearly multitasking. Sure, books occupy the most space here but don’t discount the quirky visual treats standing guard out front. Before you reach the weighty tomes all dressed in their fussy dust jackets, you have to wade through sentinels belonging to another age group all together. Are you feeling the playground vibe here, too? Plastic cartoon characters, artwork from a kids’ perspective—all proudly on parade along with Star Wars toys—oh, sorry, memorabilia! Colourful and obviously sentimental greeting cards grace the top shelf, and a few photographs seek attention, too. Seems our literary pair are hooked on nostalgia. No doubt they fondly remember what it was like to be a kid and, frankly, see no point in ditching all the childhood charms just because they’re now slaves to the 9-to-5 daily grind and have big people bills to pay. Perhaps kid-friendly accoutrements make their world feel less complicated, more safe, or they just can’t bear to throw anything away! In either case, the fun souvenirs hint that this couple is wistfully young at heart and feels the need to feed that inner pack rat—albeit publically on their jam-packed shelves.

Moving on to the headliners: the books. It’s a veritable dog’s breakfast of titles. I spy publications on politics of all sorts (Churchill, Obama, Thatcher, Bush), a plethora of social commentary releases, marketing texts, and tech exploration (Google, Bill Gates) plus, dictionaries, quotations, writing guides?! Ooh, bummer. All work and no play. Why so serious? Uh, not so fast! Looks like some levity might be provided by the Batman and Watchmen graphic novels joining the fray. The overflow of unglamourous topics—politics, business, tech—hopefully belong to the male presence in this house. At least, let’s hope so! I don’t think that I’ve met a girl this boring—ever! Not to suggest that women can’t be interested in such topics but she’d be a pretty dull Jane if that’s all that floated her boat.

Not so fast! Before we close the book and give up all hope, there are favourable clues that a female bookworm with proper girly interests lives here, too! Fashion saviours, Clinton Kelly and Stacey London, and their Brit Chick counterparts are in the house and on the shelf offering escapism and practical advice all between the same covers. Likewise, travel guru Bill Bryson’s bio-tastic tales of worldwide adventures share the travel bug with stacks of city guides. The fizzy diversions don’t stop there. Pop culture references abound: Saturday Night Live, Pamela Des Barres, Natalie Wood, Sex Pistols, Blur, The Spice Girls, even The Monkees. Thank goodness there’s some sassy Ying to balance out the doom and gloom Yang lurking in the testosterone dominated shelf areas. In all honesty, this assortment is anything but boring. This shelf, with its multi-topic range, feels like an intriguing microcosm: a big box bookstore shrunk down to one shelving unit. All that’s missing are some Harlequin Romance novels and Jamie Oliver cook books.

This duo might be all over the shop with their book selection and love of toys but that’s what makes them so endearing and popular. Well-read, yes, but also well-versed in politics, travel, entertainment, and pop culture—the perfect pair to invite to your next games’ night. Guaranteed, they’ll know all the answers!

Written by: Jackie Middleton

For more, please check out Jackie’s blog at http://losethatgirl.blogspot.com/

Analyse This: Party Platter

Scotch Mommy — Fri, 06 Feb 2009 16:22:00 GMT

First Glance:
With the economy slipping downhill faster than an overloaded toboggan, home entertaining is just the treat to keep your social life breathing and your bank account happy. For the gal about town, staying in might take some getting used to, but there’s no time like the present! Follow the inspiring lead of our Slice girl du jour and get reintroduced to your cutting board, knives and festive toothpicks—even on New Year’s Eve! She realizes that you don’t have to channel Nigella Lawson to provide a delectable spread for your visitors regardless of the occasion. An informal smorgasbord of finger foods and refreshing drinks will satiate the most demanding of guests. Take some crackers, cheese, sliced veggies and dip, frame them with plenty of colourful napkins and celebratory accessories and, voila, party platter success with a nostalgic wink!

Analysis:
Stepping up to the plate to elbow our way within reach of a taste tempting treat, we’re surprised to see there’s much more food for thought. Ooh, I could just eat it up!

Without a doubt, the glass tray of sliced and diced goodies takes centre stage. Its prominence is due to not only its size in relation to the other offerings, but to the cornucopia of happy colours. They visually invite you to sample again and again due in part to one specific instigator: the red peppers. Colour psychologists swear that hues in the red family stimulate appetite and make people excited, practically giddy to eat. Is it any surprise that so many supermarket chains use red as the colour in their logos? Likewise, fast food joints often boast red and orange décor to make you feel hungrier than you actually are. Like a red flag waved at a bull, red foods, red packaging, even scarlet room decorations, cause a stampede.

Did our Slice girl know this tidbit to guarantee some happy munching? Quite possibly. She boosts this food frenzy trigger with the snazzy red tartan table cloth, too. This girl is genius! Either that or she just loves tartan. Which brings us to another fact… New Year’s Eve is one of the biggest holidays of the year for the Scottish. The plenitude of New Year’s Eve napkins, plates, and old-school noisemakers go hand in hand with the kilt-adorned clan who made tartan famous. Is our girl a bonny Scottish lass to boot? Unfortunately, there’s no easy answer to that query but let’s just be thankful she’s not serving up Haggis along with those peppers!

Influential veggies aside, our hostess has made sure there’s plenty of nosh for all tastes. The aforementioned red peppers share space with crisp stalks of celery, two different varieties of aged cheddar, and some funky shaped crackers. Mmmm. Any one up for a dip? All pieces are begging for a plunge in the creamy mixtures. The dip on the top left appears to be a spinach concoction, a perennial party favourite while its sister, all orangey and thick, offers the more exotic option for those wishing to graze on the wild side. Variety is the spice of life and a key ingredient to any party. Do you think our girl took the easy way out, purchasing these sauces? Store bought dips allow the party-giver to spend less time slaving in the kitchen. Chopping veggies and cheese takes enough blood, sweat, and tears. No sense in mixing and churning all sorts of ingredients that result in some off-tasting paste. Leave such tricky ventures to the experts even if it is President’s Choice. Less time in the kitchen equals an intelligent party hostess.

Moving now to the right side of our table, we are greeted by some more mouth-watering munchies. A bowl of spritely, shiny M&Ms await their fate. When your taste buds have had enough savoury sensations, these crowd-pleasing chocolate candies are there for your SOS. Or, when you’re sick of sweet, you can move to the top right of the scene and partake in a slice or two of Kolbasa, spicy European deli meat. You have to hand it to our hostess. She has ensured that sweet, savoury, salty, crunchy and creamy are all represented. There will be many an over-stuffed belly at this party! If she had served up only sugary cookies and cakes, most guests would get bored and stop eating. Everyone knows that it’s easy to bounce back and forth between different sensations. A well-planned mix keeps your audience’s palates placated for hours and keeps the party hopping.

Clearly, our subject is not a pretentious show-off. This affair is casual, relaxed, and is meant for those with a constitution for Cracker Barrel, not caviar. There’s no room at this table for snotty edibles, rigid cutlery settings, and ice sculptures. This New Year’s bash is about comfort food, some healthy, some not—and the optimistic jump into a new year full of possibilities. After a long hard year, our hostess wants to offer a welcoming table to her nearest and dearest. It’s time to reflect and take a break from all the ills and pressures of the previous 364 days and our Slice girl succeeds brilliantly!

Written by: Jackie Middleton

Check out Jackie’s blog at http://losethatgirl.blogspot.com/!

Analyse This: Male/Female Offices

Sporty Vixen — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 13:00:00 GMT

What your workspace says about you

First Glance:

We worker bees spend so much time on the job that our workspaces, whether they’re a desk, cube farm, or office, literally become our home away from home. It makes sense to populate our work areas with mementos that make us feel comfortable, safe, and inspired. But how far should we go? Can you easily tell a male centred office to one that belongs to the fairer sex?

Case in point, the two offices on parade here. On first glance, we can definitely tell that one desk is testosterone driven while the other is all woman. Let’s snoop around the boy zone first. This male has painted his work terrain with the typical guy themes of sports, busty chicks, and tech toys. He’s low on substance (surprise!): not much to see here. Now for his female counterpart, her workspace features plenty of girlie pink, cuddly stuffed toys, and fashionable adornments. Our gal is not one to shy away from showing her true colours with a desk boasting birthday cards, grin-inducing toys, even tools of her beauty regime. With these two work stations, the battle of the sexes is alive and well in corporate Canada.

Analysis:

As we all know, first appearances are often deceiving so let’s employ our time a little more generously and linger a little longer. The more I think about it, the more I believe our male subject is not all that he seems. On the surface, he’s shouting to his co-workers that he’s up on current events (the Barack Obama poster), athletically inclined (Raptor toy and boxing flyer), and is all business (bare bones desk). Clutter is not an option. He is not a paper shuffler as there’s little to no paper trail on his desk or pinned to his bulletin board. With two big-ass computer monitors, this fella is all tech all the time. He’s a real guy’s guy. He may have a tissue box sat on his desk but it’s a sporty one! And why have a photo of your girlfriend as your screensaver when you can have the ultimate fantasy pin-up: Jessica Rabbit…not once but twice!? A bit of geeky overkill, don’t you think? I think our office guy is laying it on a little thick…two identical boobalicious Jessica Rabbit portraits plus manly sports paraphernalia strategically strewn about his HQ. But look really closely at that boxing flyer. It’s personalized with an autograph but the signer addressed it to a woman! Whoops! It looks like our alpha-male is trying to assert his masculinity too hard. Skin deep, he’s winning the total male stakes but when one looks under the hood, the truth tells a different story.

On the other side of the coin we have our female employee. Restraint is definitely not in this woman’s vocabulary. Check out all the chick-inspired impedimenta! The flowery desk lamp, Stilla products, and framed fashion ‘zine cover—you can’t get more feminine than that! Our gal thrives on her caffeine fix and is proud to have her desk accessorized with a Starbucks Barrista bear! Remember that scene in Working Girl when boss Sigourney Weaver made the “cute bunny” comment to underling Melanie Griffith? Obviously, our little lady has no issues with having stuffed toys on her desk. She has the bear plus countless Muppets setting up shop in her vicinity. I say, if you’re going to embrace your childhood comforts, do so with zest just as our girlie has done.

But don’t let the toys mislead you into thinking that her day is no work and all play. When her job gets heated, she has a petite desk fan to help keep her cool under pressure and a foil pack of chewing gum to maintain her minty fresh public appeal. The unruly paper pile tells you that our worker is in the midst of a major project. I’d like to think that the toys, girlie potions, and mood enhancing hues of pink help her get the job done with her sanity and sense of humour clearly intact. Her office space is fun-filled and I bet she’s the type of employee who helps others survive their melancholy Mondays. There’s no harm in putting your personality into your office as long as at the end of the day you deliver on deadline.

After our careful examination, you may ask, which desk belongs to the more devoted employee? Clearly, both our Analyze This victims are truly committed. They’re both clued in: making your work space appear lived-in sends a clear signal to the corner office that you’re not just passing through. This job is your destination and the best way to be fully equipped on the spot is to feel comfortable and sometimes that means a Muppet or two. Granted, one can go too far sometimes with the trinkets and items unleashing a little too much personal information, but wouldn’t you rather sit next to a co-worker with some personality than the fembot who’s all business, all the time?

Written by: Jackie Middleton

Check out Jackie's blog at http://losethatgirl.blogspot.com/.

Analyse This: Office Workspace

Sporty Vixen — Mon, 28 Jan 2008 14:00:00 GMT

First Glance:
Oh hello, Urban Hipster, with your MacBook and Radiohead posters. Do you shop at EQ3, too? You are stylish to boot, not that there was any doubt. I see you are an artist, of the musical leanings.

Analysis:
I think our mystery Hipster is probably in her 20s. Budget furniture is often a sign of post University / pre giant disposable paycheque. Unmatched furniture pieces can be a sign of eclecticism but in this case I think it’s probably a sign of investing in the big ticket items, like a Mac. The walls are also bare of color and of big nails in the wall, which probably indicates a rental unit that has strict restrictions on home decorating.

Our Hipster is a ‘she’ – the makeup case and makeup mirror are a give away and there is also the lovely patterned magazine holder. She’s a creative soul. MacBooks are an inherently great tool for the artistic types. She’s a musician, not only as a bystander, but by practice. She surrounds herself with the tools and inspiration to get her creative juices flowing. She’s probably out a lot too, as it doesn’t look like she holes herself up in her room to delve into her creative side.

I think our girl has her foot firmly planted in a world full of creative people like herself, has a good head on her shoulders about how to manage money (who needs matching furniture anyway?), and is most definitely fun to be around.

Girl, you should call me! We’ll hit the town.

Written by: Natalie Gooding

Analyze This: Underwear Drawer

Sporty Vixen — Mon, 21 Jan 2008 14:00:00 GMT

First Glance:

If there’s one place that we don’t dare look, it’s a gal pal’s lingerie drawer. Typically, underwear is undercover and hidden from display unless you’re smack dab in the tangle of The Bay’s bra racks, or going for it full-throttle in the midst of a moment of passion. Here at Slice HQ, we like to give you access to places you don’t normally have entree. With no further adieu, welcome to a Slice viewer’s underwear drawer!

Taking a not-too-discreet peek, the first thing that jumps out is the organization. Not very provocative, is it? This gal has material-lined boxes filled to the brim with various unmentionables – safely housed away from linty socks and over-washed t-shirts. Bras, panties, camisoles, and slips all have their own dedicated compartment. The subdued colour palate prompts our roaming eyes to immediately land on the striped celebration of citrus-hued colours (is that a scarf?) and the crème de la crème…the Robin’s egg blue of the iconic Tiffany’s box. Ah…a girl’s best friend! Full props must be offered to our brave Slice girl. It’s a rare bird that will allow her skivvies drawer to be the subject of public inspection but with her concise coordination of all things silky, we can see why she’s so brazen about her bounty. No mess = nothing to hide!

Analysis:

On second gawk, this drawer appears to be quite large but in reality, there’s not a lot of product kept under wraps. If each repository accommodates one product…say the middle top row box clutches bras only, our gal doesn’t have much stuff. I spy maybe three, perhaps four, bras in this receptacle. Same goes for the adjacent container to the right. I count three camisoles. Clearly, the sides of the box are visible and the pile of silky goods is far from toppling over the edge. I think our subject has a lot of lingerie shopping to do in her future.

While she may not have a plenitude of panties and the like, she does splash out for quality. There will be no Jockey cotton knickers in this gal’s collection. It’s silks, satins and lace all the way. From the materials featured, she’s a real girly girl. The colours may be rather neutral, mostly blacks, white and (eek!) beige, but don’t mistake the absence of a plethora of pink to think that she’s not ultra feminine. She doesn’t need the guise of Barbie hues to prove her femininity. The lack of cotton also speaks to another subject – laundry! I bet she never tosses her undies into the wash with regular powder detergent. It’s Zero or Woolite all the way with this one. When she’s not gallivanting about town, she’s doing washing by hand! Such care takes dedication my friends, and plenty of hand lotion to disguise such a hidden life!

And while we’re speaking of hidden lives…my eyes keep wandering back to the left side of the photo. The most curious items live on the left of the drawer. The fabulous Tiffany’s box speaks for itself – pure class personified in jewellery! Hmmm…what extravagant item from this deity of diamonds and all things sparkly could be concealed in that ribbon-bound box? Unfortunately, my reverie of massive jewelled rings and shiny Elsa Peretti silver baubles collapses in a flash. The confusing collection of items in the section below is just screaming for my attention and no amount of daydreaming about six-pronged diamond rings will prevent it. Are those shells that I spot resting in the confines of this underwear drawer? Yep, they are… tiny sea shells sewn together with something crochet-esque. Could it be an embarrassing crafts project gone wrong? Or possibly a misguided accessory purchase brought back from holiday? Let’s think clearly. This mysterious memento is kept beside underpants and bras – true. Could it be some sort of beach-themed thong? All I can say to that is – OUCH. Now there’s a unique kind of shellshock.

Clothing-created discomfort aside, our undergarment exposing lass has proven to be unafraid to show her pants to the world. With her devil may care attitude and need for some retail therapy at La Senza, she’s definitely a Slice girl worth knowing. Now, if she’d only share what’s inside that prized Tiffany’s box.

Written by: Jackie Middleton

Analyse This: Cosmetic Case

Scotch Mommy — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 14:30:00 GMT

First Glance:

Our exhibit on display today is something that we all hold near and dear to our hearts: our make-up case. You’d be hard pressed to search through any woman’s hand bag and not score such a collection. Roomy and exceptionally clean inside, this Slice gal’s bag of tricks contains several of the make-up world’s heavy hitters: MAC, Stilla, Bobbi Brown, and the reliable stand-by, Maybelline. She also totes about bobby pins and a few make-up brushes—all tools required to look one’s best out in the big bad world. Her regime doesn’t stop with make-up as the presence of butterfly hair clips prove. In order to present an ideal face to this world, the whole picture must be groomed and maintained. Hair under control? Check. Face neatly accessorized with blush, lippy, and mascara? Check. This woman could easily be you or me.

Analysis:

Delving deeper into the white and green environs of this make-up carryall, it looks like we have a woman who likes to make the most of her favourite asset. I’m taking a guess from the number of Stilla lip glaze sticks that she’s particularly proud of her pout. Some gals prefer to play up their eyes, while others highlight their amazing bone structure with blush, but for our subject, it’s all about the lips. She’s hoarding at least four different lip glazes in her bag. And, remember, a make-up bag typically is just the apex of one’s collection; it’s a sampling of what you cannot leave home without. She probably has many more of these Stilla sticks at home. Blush, mascara, eye shadow, and blot powder complete the roll call but in lesser quantities. It’s important to know one’s strong points whether it be with an Excel spreadsheet or with your cosmetic routine. Our gal clearly knows what works for her and doesn’t lug around a cornucopia of product just because she can. If she feels lips need the most attention when she’s out painting the town red, she’s ready and fully equipped. And, really, why should she be limited to just one favourite lipstick? The world is full of choice and it’s fun to mix it up from time to time even if it’s with something as basic as your lip colour. Ultimately, if it makes her feel happy and confident, she should go for it.

Overall, her make-up routine appears to be quite simple and the same can be said for her hair maintenance. The few wayward bobby pins and the hovering hair clips prove that she’s not big on accessorizing her ‘do. She’s no-nonsense and just wants to sweep her hair out of the way neatly and easily and move onto more important matters.

With a quick dash of lip glaze and the speedy upsweep of her rebellious locks in a convenient clip, our Slice girl is an energetic woman making her way through a hectic world. She doesn’t have time to fuss and wants to get on with living her life instead of slaving over hot rollers and the perfect combination of eye shadows. Life’s too precious to be spending time in front of the bathroom mirror. By keeping such a concise cosmetic emergency kit tucked into her handbag, our girl is ready for whatever fun comes across her path.

Written by: Jackie Middleton

Analyse This: His & Hers Medicine Cabinet

Sporty Vixen — Mon, 12 Nov 2007 14:00:00 GMT

First Glance:

The medicine cabinet. For many, it’s the final frontier of privacy and personal hygiene. Upon prying open this bathroom cupboard, the first rush of information discloses that one super tidy couple lives here. Wow! Check out how ultra neat it is. Clear lines are drawn as to where the female products live opposed to the lower region, home of the male toiletries. Every label is turned front and centre and there’s actually still some unused space on the lowest shelf. Most drug stores aren’t as systematized as this bathroom storage set-up.

Let’s start our pharmaceutical journey on the top shelf. This woman is incredibly brand loyal. The products stay within the Stila and Aveda families with a special appearance by Sensodyne toothpaste and saline solution for her contacts. She has a beauty regime that works with only a limited number of products. From first glance, I’d say that the woman of the house is a natural beauty who does not rely on a magnitude of lotions and potions to face the world each day.

On the middle shelf, we move from feminine polish to man-scaping. It’s a rare situation to discover the home of a couple where the male has more items from the drug store than his better half! This guy not only takes care of his outer appearance with luxurious shaving foam and Lacoste elixir, but also his inner health. Vitamins and stomach remedies live side by side with Clarins and Pirate bandages. Pirate bandages? A sense of humour with his first aid. Love it! As we move to the bottom ledge, the testosterone factor amps up big time. A plethora of Axe products line up alongside a high-tech razor blade system. This guy takes the time to look and smell sensational.

Clearly, this medicine cabinet is a perfect example of quality over quantity. Why buy 50 products when only 10 top-of-the-line ones will do. The owners of this cabinet are organizational experts who look really good while they’re at it, practising minimalism at its best.

Analysis:

Take a snoop into the medicine cabinets of your friends and you can find a whole lot about them. In this case, we’re not greeted by anything too embarrassing but their consumer habits do send a mixed message. With the limited amount of merchandise, it’s easy to say that these people are not slaves to the beauty industry. However, their choice of the products that they do own, tells a different tale.

First example, take the lady of the house. Only one product is a store-owned line: the saline solution. The toothpaste is also a regular corner store brand but her other items are all top-of-the-line best sellers purchased from beauty counters of high-end shops. When it comes to facial care, no pennies are spared. Only the best, trendiest will do. Due to the fact that she only has one shelf and it’s not over-stuffed with bottles, it’s clear that she’s well educated in beauty product-ology. She knows what works and limits herself to just that. Despite the pricey, too-cool-for-school goods, she’s well restrained cash-wise. Her organizational flair and ability to live with only the bare bathroom necessities is a model for us all. My only remaining question: where’s the deodorant? For such a well-turned-out gal, one would think that she’d want to smell lovely too.

Moving on to her partner, it seems that he has a much bigger ego than she. Two shelves to her one? Hmmm. Like his missus, he’s sending a blurred image as well. He’s a sophisticated fan of Lacoste and Clarins, but then brings himself down to frat-boy levels with the Axe products. C’mon guy, be one or the other—not both! The clean, organized trend continues in his domain but the presence of Maalox antacid tablets leads me to believe that the calm, neat exterior isn’t really in his nature. Is he experiencing stress over this hard-to-maintain example of exceptional organization? Being tidy does take a lot of work. Perfection has its price and in this case it’s a stomach ailment! Ah, let’s cut him some slack. He’s trying, which is more than can be said for many other boyfriends and husbands out there. The chewable vitamins and fun Pirate bandages hint at a playful, young-at-heart fella. He may have a boo-boo but the skull and crossbones motif proves that he can tough it out!

As minimal as this case is, there must be another storage arrangement in the vicinity of their loo. Hair brushes, shampoo, toothbrushes, hairdryer, tampons are all missing. Perhaps this spiffy couple is keeping these items and others of a more embarrassing quality safely locked up away from the prying eyes of visitors. Appearances are very important to this twosome, so much so that the full picture is not readily available for those in need of a comfort break while at their abode.

It would be interesting to see these two getting prepped for the average workday. From their medicine cabinet, it seems that there’s no morning rush here. Nothing is jumbled or smeared with errant toothpaste. Just how do they do it? And how do they avoid a battle of the sexes over space? It’s evident that these two have compromised on a system that works for both of them. In a world where some men are bath dodgers (seriously, have you smelt that dishevelled guy next to you on the bus?), it’s refreshing to see a male that takes great pride in his collection of toiletries. To put it simply, he’s a good match for his partner. A clean and happy household. What more could one want?

Written by: Jackie Middleton

Analyse This: Shoe Selection

Scotch Mommy — Fri, 19 Oct 2007 20:25:00 GMT

First Glance:

Shoes! Glorious shoes! Welcome to the home of a typical Slice girl. This closet floor is chock-full of fancy footwear. A gal has got to step out in style and our subject certainly has the kicks to do so. On first impression, it’s obvious that this person is a big-time heel fan. There’s only one pair of flats lined up in the bottom of this repository. Strappy sandals rule the roost in all styles and colours. The owner clearly enjoys viewing her collection. Note the orderly arrangement of her footwear, all unobstructed for the eye to see. In this closet, a jumbled pile of shoes is strictly verboten.

Analysis:

Ramping up our investigation, we’re dealing with someone who likes to think outside the box—literally! The owner does keep her shoes neat and tidy, however she could move up a notch on the systemization scale by keeping her beloved footwear housed in their original boxes. Perhaps an organizational intervention is needed. Too much floor space is being wasted letting each pair stand alone in the open air. They’re exposed to dust and in danger of being trod upon. It’s time to channel shoe goddess Sarah Jessica Parker and invest in a handy Polaroid. Cataloguing shoe boxes with corresponding photos of their contents is easy and will protect your investment from free-falling purses from the shelves above. Time to jump in feet first and get sorted!

On the other side of the coin, the mistress of these shoes is probably far too busy to be sat inside on a Saturday night stacking shoe boxes. Conceivably, she prefers this open-air configuration so she can quickly spot the necessary footwear in a split second. Being a gal about town is a full-time job and getting ready in the morning or for that big event is a challenge in itself. For some, boxes are just additional road blocks to successful dressing in a flash. Obviously, shoe stress is not for this Slice girl.

Speaking of stress, what’s weighing on me is the puzzling assortment of bizarrely hued footwear. She owns one pair of flats in the oddest of colours. A misguided retro buy harking back to the 1980s, perhaps? Sorry love, but they’re not the most attractive of shoes. Maybe that’s why they look hardly worn; they’re the cleanest pair in the bunch. I’d guess that this was a purchase gone wrong. Ladies, friends don’t allow their best pals to shoe shop drunk! Funky wedges get a look in, while the strappy heel style out-numbers all other competitors. Check out the middle row black strappies. They’re definitely the bell of the ball, accessorizing more outfits than any other pair by the looks of the scuffed-up heels. If shoes could talk, I bet this pair would have plenty to spill! We’re also dealing with a person who likes a bit of embellishment. Many of these items have a different colour border here, or a pattern there. Only a couple of pairs are a single colour and some of those, well…are those colours even found in nature? Kidding aside, this woman likes to stand out while stepping out. She’s unique and riding her own fashion wave. You go, girl!

While her look may not be the style of many, there’s nothing wrong with her doing her own thing provided she doesn’t hurt anyone in the process, including her. This love of high heels makes me worry for future back maladies. And let’s hope that she’s bare of unsightly corns and bunions—ew! Towering heels can be addictive, but when they turn your tootsies into malformed hooves, there’s an urgency to slip into something more comfortable. Buy some cute old-school trainers and be short for a change. Your arches will thank you for it!

Written by: Jackie Middleton

Analyse This: Desk Drawer

Scotch Mommy — Mon, 15 Oct 2007 13:00:00 GMT

First Glance

This desk drawer is annoyingly neat—yes, this is neat to me. If you can nonchalantly close your desk drawer without a) great gale force or b) shoving, cramming, and smooshing all the items into the nooks and crevices, then your desk is too neat. There are also a lot of jars in this baby. Do we have a "street pharmacist" on our hands here? I bet she gives you the first Advil for free, then when we’re addicted to the stuff, she’s jacks up the price. Next thing you know you’re selling your body for a toonie at the water cooler. Shameless.

Analysis

First thing that stands out to me is the no-name crackers. She’s a healthy snacker and a budget-minded one at that. I appreciate the socialist design of the no-name products: efficient, to the point, sans serif font (serifs would cost more!). In other words: without any extra bullshit to keep you away from the stuff that lies below. Perhaps this describes our mystery lady as well? I bet it does.

Now, what’s that I see? Rice cakes! WTF? Unless those things are coated in caramel or drenched in butter-like topping they should be crumpled up and used as packing peanuts. This lady is way too healthy for me. And, there’s the obligatory website-branded sticky pad. This means she’s either a swag-hound or a brown-noser. Life-brand muscle and back pain medication? She's into kinky sex.

Kraft peanut butter? I gotta say I’m a bit surprised by its appearance, as any woman who's worked in an office full of dieting women will tell ya, commercial peanut butter is mostly sugar. So, she is a little misguided in her health endeavors—or maybe she just likes to live a little once in a while. Wait, I stand corrected, I have NO idea what Blueberry Greens Force is, but after Googling it, my suspicions are proven correct, it’s some sort of healthy-schmealthy flavanoid, schmavanoid stuff and it’s sharing drawer space with flaxseed pills, too.

So, in conclusion, I say this girl is seriously concerned about keeping fit, but isn’t afraid to have a little fat and sugar on the side. Actually, sounds like my kinda girl!

Written by: Nadine Anglin

Analyse This: Pool Pup

Sporty Vixen — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 13:00:00 GMT

First Glance:

A sure sign of summer! The pool’s open and all hands are on deck, including those of the family pet! This dog is enjoying some hot fun in the summertime and that smile speaks volumes. This cheery canine just didn’t pop in for a quick dip. No, he’s fully water logged so obviously he’s been doing plenty of laps and cannonballs for good measure. Just like us humans, animals enjoy a little rest and relaxation too. Removing that itchy collar and jumping into the deep end for a refreshing respite. Ah, it’s a dog’s life!

Analysis:

The tight shot of this cheery canine may seem simplistic, but there’s actually plenty going on here. Upon closer inspection, it’s clear that the owner of this pool puts in plenty of time and effort to keep the water spare of rogue insects and wayward leaves but she’s not that obsessed with germs to prohibit her pup from plunging into this oasis. At the same time, this guy is no mangy mutt. He’s very well cared for, his nails are trimmed, his coat flawless. There are no fleas on this Fido.

The fact that the dog is the sole subject of this composition proves that his owner has a very special place in her heart for him. He probably sleeps on her bed, has special toys, and even gets spoilt on his birthday. This dog is a family member with all the perks that come with the comfort of being part of the pack. I’m a dog person and can completely understand this owner’s dogged determination to rank her pet as part of her clan. Sure they bring muddy footprints into the house and try to mooch food from your plate, but so do many boyfriends! At least this fella will always be happily waiting at the door for you when you arrive home.

Written by: Jackie Middleton

Analyse This: Cover Band Closet

Sporty Vixen — Mon, 11 Jun 2007 13:00:00 GMT

First glance

Was this taken with a black and white camera, or is it my monitor? My first impression of this clothes closet (i.e. rod with a curtain – is it her shower?) is that this person’s morning sartorial challenge must be even bleaker than my own. Not much selection, not much pizzazz. I do find some intrigue within the layers, with the hint of a snazzy fetish in this person’s after-hours. And it may or may not involve an ‘80s cover band.

Analysis

To be honest, I’ve always envied people who rock the all-black wardrobe – for the simplicity, if not the Sprockets stylings. No matter what you pull out of your closet on those dreary mornings, you’re always sure to coordinate! This person doesn’t verge too far from the monochromatic approach: everything here lands on a short spectrum of black through white – just toss in a few greys and taupes for mild seasoning. I can respect that. You’re an understated yet practical professional. Even your hangers are used straight from the dry cleaners! No muss, no fuss. There appears to be a formal outfit of some sort, with a satiny white bottom and black top; although I could debate the practicality of white bottoms, especially when ‘entertaining’…. Be it light out or dark, this person has the lights and darks.

But let’s keep our black and white separates separate, shall we – and I’m not just talking about doing laundry! That checkered garment on the far right needs to find the black and white exit. Closets do not need their own test patterns. Unless that piece, with that random pink belt, is this person’s idea of Casual Friday – or maybe Friday night is when she truly kicks back and hooks up with Martha and the Muffins?

She’s definitely harbouring a flair for performance, with the use of a dramatic red curtain…. (Maybe my morning dressing wouldn’t seem so dull if I could unveil my wardrobe in a Vegas-like flourish!?) You just know she has some Copperfield hankerings. Inexplicably, the axis of this vapid illusion is a suspension of what appears to be bright silk and chiffon magic-trick scarves! It’s all coming together now: top hat = black, bunny = white….

This lacklustre bureaucratic wardrobe has the trappings of weekday ennui waiting to be unleashed in an after-hours magical mystery bonanza. Or so I, bereft of red curtain and pink belt, would like to imagine. Even when in the closet, we all need our dreams….

Written by: Gabrielle Domingues

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Analyse This: A Superhero’s Office

Sporty Vixen — Mon, 04 Jun 2007 13:02:00 GMT

First Glance

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s…Wonder Woman’s office? There are telltale signs that indicate this diva is living an ultra-cool life, perhaps as a double agent.

Electronic hardware, quick change getups and an alibi as a socialite are keys to keeping her secret. Saving the world might be a tough job, but no one says you can’t have fun while doing it!

Analysis

Let’s start with the desk’s focal point, the MacBook laptop. It’s equipped for Bluetooth, has a built-in web cam and microphone for instant online broadcasts and can be thrown in a tote for quick escapes. But it’s probably a top secret flotation device with satellite capabilities too! Yet to the untrained eye, it passes for a modern computer. Clever.

Let’s discuss the covert disguise mechanisms. First off, the reading glasses are instantly accessible on the desk. This heroine is too smart for obvious colours that may give her away, and she’s opted for a professional and modern pair to pass as a lawyer, reporter or broker in her daytime life. Then there’s the make-up collection neatly stored with blush and eye brushes, lip liners and cosmetic tools to prep this ultra-woman for saving the city in a dash. The mirror aids in quick checks before she departs to tackle those bad guys—but don’t be fooled, it may also be a communications device to synchs with other agents.

The photographs and images that adorn the walls play an equally important role to quell any doubts her house guests may have. This superwoman merges her social life with other women of similar social values, a perfect way to inconspicuously attend functions without being caught.

Being a real-life 007 has its privileges, and this diva has perfectly blended her home life with her top secret spy status.

By Melissa Jenkins-Gray

Analyse This: Cosmetics

Scotch Mommy — Mon, 21 May 2007 13:01:00 GMT

First glance
Gee, I lived these first 33 years of my life (24 if you account for gender-identity realization) pretty darn sure that I am, indeed, a girl. Looking at this, I am no longer sure. This is a lot of makeup. This much makeup in a store makes me uncomfortable and sends me post-haste to the socks department. And either this is the most uninspired and unattractive cosmetics store display in the history of store displays, or this cornucopia of beauty paraphernalia actually exists somewhere out there in a private home. (Do bordellos count as private homes? But I digress.) The only identity I can equate with this scene is that it must belong to J. Lo. Or J. Lo’s entire posse. To reiterate, this is one serious amount of makeup! (Is it just me or what?)

Analysis
Well, perhaps I’m letting myself get overwhelmed by first impressions (my eyes! it burns!) so this is where analysis comes into play—true, scientific analysis. There does appear to be a borderline-normal array here of your basic, womanly makeup needs: one tube of lipstick, mascara, and cover-up, and a few pencils and compacts. The true tools of the trade are equally average, with one large brush and a few more of varying sizes and, thankfully, one eyelash curler (‘cause who needs more than one of those? You can only use one at a time. That is not why God gave us the same number of hands as eyes, people!)

But I do have to question exactly how many eyes this person does have. Because are those all pots of eye shadow that I see in the lower basket? One category of makeup should not fill its own entire basket (and a compartmented basket, no less)! If this person were the type to apply her makeup while driving to work, she’d have to keep her eye shadow collection in the trunk. That’s assuming this person has a day job, because I can’t help thinking this person might be a “performer of the night.” Now that might seem judgemental of me, but isn’t nearly as offensive as the alternative: This person has such a variety of eye shadows because she coordinates her eye shadow on a daily basis with the colour of her outfit. Purple tunic = purple eye shimmer, like Mrs. Roper from Three’s Company. (Am I showing my age again?) I mean, this person doesn’t even appear to have a mirror to facilitate all this, so God only knows how she’s stepping away from that sink. So, in conclusion, as I was saying, my eyes! It burns!

Written by Gabrielle Domingues

Analyse This: Russian Dolls

Scotch Mommy — Tue, 08 May 2007 16:27:00 GMT

First Glance:

First impressions can convey plenty and this cabinet, chockfull of colourful mementos, has oodles to say. Starting with the bottom shelf: the overwhelming feature of this display is most definitely the Russian stacking dolls. Nineteen dolls in total, they take up the most space. Perhaps this person has a fond connection to Russia, either through travel or genealogy. Mixing up the socio-economic life of this bookcase, the owner is not without a glamorous side. Check out the Royal Doulton-esque figurine to the right. This diva is all decked out in her Hollywood red carpet finest. Bet she doesn’t like sharing shelf space with the likes of those earthy Russian peasants!

To the extreme left on this bottom shelf, there appears to be a couple of miniature plates featuring fantasy scenes. Is that a prince rescuing a princess I see? For added bling, there’s a glimpse of some sort of crystal angel tucked in the back. A Christmas tree ornament left behind or is it an empty perfume bottle? Obviously, it’s a token of some importance receiving pride of place beside the other chotchkas.

Up to the top shelf and we’re greeted by a selection of fancy painted vessels, perhaps souvenirs of travels abroad. This section of the collection is more understated than the doll-populated bottom shelf. It’s interesting in its own right but ultimately takes a back seat to the more theatrical lower ledge.

This person obviously takes great pride in her collection. Taking plenty of time to orderly line up each and every Russian doll, she wants her display to be front and centre.

Analysis:

Digging deeper, it appears that we may have a control freak on our hands. Not only are all items neatly arranged but they’re kept locked behind a glass door. Hands off! No dust or greasy fingerprints will harm these knickknacks. The Russian dolls are spaced apart so that their counterparts behind can be clearly seen – they’re actually peeking out between heads! How anal is that!

When she’s not obsessively organizing, our subject relishes the more colourful and whimsical side of her personality. This assortment of Russian dolls, princess plates, angels…all items offering entry into a fantasy world. I think this person likes to escape now and again, and what better way than to surround herself with such dreamy miscellany. Just don’t disrupt the fantasy and move any of the objects out of line! Many of these doodads could have been acquired during vacations outside of Canada so a well-stamped passport might be uncovered in this abode as well.

It could be possible that this person is a Gemini – keeping salt-of-the-earth Russian stackers beside a china celebutante screams split personality. Geminis are famous for having two distinctively different approaches to pretty much everything, including what they collect in their homes! Well grounded and unpretentious, but also enthralled by the expensive and exclusive. There’s an appreciation of cultural paraphernalia as well as the more refined aspects of life. This person would own both hiking boots and stilettos.

Ultimately, this wooden cabinet translates into someone comfortable in her own skin. With diverse pastimes, this person is multi-faceted and open to unique situations and people. Keeping both fanciful and delicate collectables together, our subject has a healthy sense of humour and would definitely be an entertaining person to know. And if you need an organization intervention, this pal would be the perfect prof!

Written by: Jackie Middleton

Analyse This: Dog's Birthday

Scotch Mommy — Thu, 22 Mar 2007 14:22:00 GMT

First Glance:

Wow. At first glance, I think, “The dog is already five and they’re still baking cakes for her?” I mean, it’s cute and all that, but when they’re a puppy. She’s even wearing a pink lei! And the cake has a candle! That’s lit! Does she sleep in a canopy bed, à la Duchess and the kittens in The Aristocats? This must be one special dog, the kind of dog that helps people with debilitating diseases reach their medication or that wakes people from burning houses. And the cake looks homemade. What’s it made of? She seems to really be enjoying it. Someone really loves that dog.

Analysis:
Now, I must confess my bias here. I love animals, they’re great. I’ve even had a few as pets. But I never made any of them a birthday cake. My dog was a dog. The kind that barked when people came to the door, spent most of her day outdoors in our yard digging holes, and ate real dog food. From a can. This dog probably eats some form of organic preparation that has a best-before date and has to be kept in the fridge. I loved my dog and she knew it. But she knew her place. I know I’ll catch a lot of flack for saying this, but I think the dog in this picture thinks she’s human. And some people will think that's okay. They probably even think she is human, almost. Am I the only one who gets a little scared when animals start thinking they should eat the food we eat, sleep in the beds we sleep in, and act the way we do? Admittedly, it’s too late now for this little dog. She knows life is good and she’s come to expect home-baked cakes and candles and all that.

My analysis of the owner? This is tricky, because people who love animals are my kind of people, even though this picture is a little scary to me. The owner probably took in strays as a child and is always surrounded by animals. And either this little dog shares her home with a menagerie of animals, rescued from an unhappy life, or she is an only child, doted on and fussed over by her loving parent. If the owner is part of a couple, I wonder if they both feel the same about their furry little “child” or, if the owner is single, how she will deal with a future partner who perhaps thinks dogs should know their place or is even possibly allergic? Never mind, I can guess the answer to that. "Hit the road, Jack!"

Written by: Reni Walker

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Analyse This: Cookbook Shelf

Scotch Mommy — Mon, 05 Mar 2007 12:12:00 GMT

First glance:

I spy with my little eye, something that doesn’t belong here – the Weight Watchers cookbook. What’s that doing here? I’m sorry. I know. I should be more health and diet conscious but I really hate ‘diet’ cookbooks sitting next to real cookbooks. Someone will kill me for saying this, but it’s difficult to cook in a calorie-conserving manner. Like the Barefoot Contessa, Ina Garten and French food gourmet, Julie Childs have always said, food just tastes a whole lot better with just a little (or a lot) more butter.

Then there’s that hardback copy of Tupac Shakur Legacy and it’s upside down, no less. The rap artist really doesn’t seem to fit here. Did someone forget to return this book to its original place in the entertainment room?

Do I spot the Magic Bullet? I also see some fancy food processors/blenders/juicers. This kitchen is fully equipped to mull, mix, whip, and frappe just about anything.

Analysis

Upon closer inspection, I see what I believe to be a Campbell’s Cookbook series. This person is a true collector. I see other notables including: The Betty Crocker Cookbook, Better Homes Cookbook and No Repeats. What a selection. It’s as if this individual should be writing a compilation called, TV Guide’s: Cooking for the Decades (for $19.95 plus shipping and handling). What seems to be missing, however, with the presence of all those fancy food processors and juicers, is the book on how to blend the perfect cocktail. But there’s still time – I have hope for this collector.

Now I’m still searching for the reason for the Weight Watchers cookbook. Perhaps this person is an emotional eater. I speculate: she reads Tupak’s legacy, becomes saddened, even depressed, at life’s unfortunate tragedies. Then there’s a period of rich food indulgence that eventually reverses into healthier meal planning. It’s a horrible cycle, but I understand.

I must admit, this person doesn’t seem to mind splurging on the cookbooks and most of them are hardcover. She must truly be a foodie. And with those lovely gift boxes, I imagine, there’s a lot of thoughtful gift-giving happening. Perhaps I’ll be the next recipient. Try page 203 of Better Homes. I love Rack of Lamb with Red Currant Wine Sauce.

Written by: Abbe-Sue Abrams

Analyse This: Jammed Freezer

Scotch Mommy — Fri, 23 Feb 2007 21:41:00 GMT

First glance:

The person who owns this jam-packed freezer is my kind of people, mostly due to the presence of the delectable dessert topping Cool Whip (I will ignore the fact that it’s the light variety; regular Cool Whip is almost completely calorie free, isn’t it?!) and breakfast sausages. Breakfast sausages complete a Sunday morning feast better than bacon hands down. And mozzarella sticks! A perfect pre-dinner snack to go with your beer. I think I even spy frozen hot dogs and, there, propping up the regular fare, a seafood medley. Will that go in a creamy seafood chowder, in a spicy pasta sauce, or served as a seafood cocktail appetizer? And then, off to the side, what looks like a bag of frozen fruit, which is probably a quick and easy dessert, topped (of course) with a big dollop or two of the Cool Whip!

Analysis:

Because of the bulk size of so much of the items here, I would guess kids live near this freezer. Notice the chicken breasts, probably purchased in bulk from a meat or big box store and then carefully re-packaged in perfect meal-size wrappings. And meatballs, ready to be dropped in a boiling pot of pasta sauce for a delicious Italian meal. Chicken nuggets, a whole chicken, and what looks like a bag of McCain’s fries, all but confirm this freezer belongs to someone who has to pull together a meal quickly midweek while hungry little people run about. I see lots of chicken and no beef (minus the meatballs but they could be of the turkey variety) and one small bag of the giant’s frozen vegetables, which suggests a health-conscious cook who eschews beef for the more diet-friendly fowl and fresh greens. All in all, a serious freezer, for people ready to cook at a moment’s notice whether it’s a weekend breakfast, a quick after-dinner dessert, or a full-on meal with appetizers. Mmm, can I come for dinner?

Written by: Reni Walker

Analyse This: Closet

Scotch Mommy — Fri, 23 Feb 2007 20:54:00 GMT

First glance

Brrr.. it’s cold in here, there must be some Toros in the atmosphere. Forgive the Bring It On reference, but don’t you get the impression that this woman is always really cold? That’s quite the robust sweater collection. I’m going to bet this bedroom is really small too, because I think more than a few of those t-shirts could be neatly folded into a drawer. What happens if she gets a new shirt or sweater? It’s mayhem in the bedroom trying to find room for the impulse purchase.

Analysis

What’s tricky here is the age – post-teen, pre-career? It doesn’t look like there are any suit components or career accessories. Could our mystery girl work in a laid back “corporate” environment? Perhaps. She definitely likes colour, and enjoys being comfortable (and warm!). No matter what she wears, it’s probably playful and fresh.

She is certainly organized. I think the sweaters on the top shelf are the ones she barely wears or are wool and only appropriate for a day at the ski hill. I’m tempted to get in there and do a good purge. My advice to you, dear reader, and this sweater-holic is to prune back and donate. Keep the stuff you love, so every time you open your cupboard, you’re excited about what you get to pick from. I know our bodies change shape, and some outfits are better for summer, but be selective. When you do invest in clothing, make sure you love it.

A final note about our Imelda Marcos of sweaters – she loves having choices every morning, but probably always feels like she has nothing to wear. She’s outgoing, with that many brightly coloured pieces, and low-maintenance, as nothing here screams, dry clean me! She’s also due for a weekend at home going through the torment of letting go of that shirt that’s just okay (but not great). It’s painful, but it’ll be worth the effort.

Written by: Natalie Gooding

Analyse This: Jewellery Case

Scotch Mommy — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 23:34:00 GMT

First Glance:

If there’s one thing this person doesn’t lack, it’s sass appeal! From the get-go, it’s obvious this jewelled miss is quite confident in expressing herself. She’s her own personal stylist, spending time with different accessories until the perfect outfit is found. A homegrown fashionista, she scours multiple stores and markets for the best baubles and when all else fails she isn’t above making them herself.

The colourful arrangement is also quite organized, showing that there’s some method to this person’s trinket madness. The tray lends itself well to housing all the gems that range from broaches and pins to chunky bracelets and earrings. And, more importantly, she can easily get to her pearls without having to dump the entire case upside down.

Analysis:

A closer look reveals some nifty finds within the jewelry case. Let’s start with big-ticket items like bracelets. There are five chunky styles in the top left-hand corner in an array of fuchsia-friendly hues. My favourite might have to be the safety-pin piece, which may have been handmade and is perhaps a memento of summer camp where they were a popularized craft (indicating this person is highly social and creative).

Let’s move on to the broaches, where a few small gems are positioned and ready to pin on a lapel to add some extra sparkle. And some of the earrings too could almost double as broaches too (fancy that!). She’s a multi-purpose girl who likes to think outside the fashion box for new ideas and inspiration.

Then there’s the necklace category, with multiple links coiled up. There’s a great arrangement of them, which are easily accessible and feature a wide colour palette and assortment of jewels. There is more than one pearl set and a variety of long chains in silver and gold colours for a classic look, too.

I couldn’t imagine a more vivacious jewellery collection! It translates into someone who is creative, fun, and social who still likes to keep things orderly.

Written by: Melissa Jenkins-Gray

Analyse This: Bookshelf

Scotch Mommy — Mon, 19 Feb 2007 19:34:00 GMT

First glance:

Now that is one neat bookshelf. Did you notice it’s organized by size, from left to right? Vintage books, by the same publisher also live near one another. Is that an evenly stacked pile of magazines on top? I would hate to peruse one of these lovely books and put it back in the wrong place. Imagine if I dog-eared a page! Mind you, I am enamoured with this Renaissance person’s collection. Vintage, contemporary, music, fitness, poker, and grammar! I bet they are an interesting one to talk to at a party. I would not mind running into them at the cheese plate.

Analysis:

Whitney Houston’s song, I’m Every Woman, comes to mind when I see this shelf. While there are a few sports and gambling books, I’m left thinking this is entirely one woman’s collection. Shame on me for thinking a guy would not be that well rounded nor would read books over 200 pages. Perhaps the collection of a couple? I would prefer to stay with my gut feeling. This is a Renaissance Woman. The kind of woman people describe as well rounded, approachable, and open to new experiences. Clearly she tips her hat to the past, with a few Saunders and Twains (vintage covers, no less!). Gone with the Wind, An Anthology of Romantic Music and Beautiful Joe speak to her softer side. Don’t mistake her for a push-over though! She might love the colour pink, but I think she’d have no problem with fuscia. If you look closely, the classics and romance books are eclipsed by soon to be “literally classics.” A Course in Power Poker and Progressive Winemaking are must-haves for any collection; Umberto Eco and Hunter S. Thompson round out the edgier side of our mystery girl. I’m sure she could fit in easily at any function dominated by the opposite sex. This collection is a sure sign of a well-balanced, new millennium every-woman, one that will give all comers a run for their money. Just remember to take your shoes off at the door, say “please” and “thank you,” and wash your hands after you sneeze.

Written by: Natalie Gooding

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Analyse This: Pantry Shelf

Scotch Mommy — Fri, 16 Feb 2007 19:31:00 GMT

First Glance

It looks like a hippy busted out the food versions of lava lamps and peace signs from a quick glance at their pantry contents. Talk about groovy, this nature-friendly citizen surely believes that what’s good for the earth is good for the soul.

An initial investigation of the shelf reveals that the purveyor is deep-rooted in the environment and remains social by stock-piling some crowd-pleasing snacks for last-minute guests that might drop in unexpectedly (perhaps to check out a new kaleidoscope and sip tea—far out!). I wouldn’t be surprised if this person is also open minded about other things, like listening to a wide assortment of music and attending cultural events within their community.

Analysis

Let’s start with a quintessential hippy food staple: granola. Have you ever heard of a hippy that didn’t like the grained snack? Me neither. The clear plastic container in the middle reveals what looks to be a homemade version of the breakfast snack that’s chock-full of raisins, oatmeal, and other fiber edibles. I can envision this person breaking out his or her Birkenstocks on Saturday mornings, a bowl of this granola, and a favourite poetry book to start off the day.

Then of course there’s the herbal must-have for hippies of all eras. I’m referring to tea, of course! The shelf shows off a wide array of at least four varieties to get the good vibes going. The leafy brands are all different, suggesting that this person might also be a tea connoisseur, too, shopping various markets within the city (probably on foot or bike) to find new flavours. And there’s also a good assortment of cookies and biscuits for snacking at tea time, whether it’s for a communal gathering or single consumption.

Then we’re left with the remaining free-flowing shelf contents. There’s plenty of sweet treats and, hey, syrup happens! Chocolate syrup is located in an easy-to-reach spot to add extra sweetness to ice cream sundaes, while other energizing foods like fruit roll-ups and energy drinks give a boost for when this dude feels mellow. If you look closely, there’s even some flour power on the back of the shelf to keep the baking spirit alive. When it comes to this person’s pantry, the beat goes on.

Written by: Melissa Jenkins-Gray

Analyse This: Fridge

Scotch Mommy — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 20:00:00 GMT

First glance

If Axl Rose were to write a song about this fridge, it would be entitled “Condiment City” and it would go: “Take me down to the condiment city, where the food is green and the jars are pretty.”

The butter compartment has been stuffed with some wayward peanut butter, which doesn’t stop them from having two packages of butter beside it. And beer in the fruit drawer? Clear out some space, condiment lovers!

Analysis

They must do a lot of cooking and baking. There is no other explanation for the immense amount of packaged goods here. I’m a little worried about the food-to-condiment ratio, though. Are they all bark and no bite in regards to cooking? Perhaps they have trouble letting go of things that are no longer relevant.

Despite that, this fridge belongs to a couple (the hot sauce plus the carefully wrapped leftovers indicate that) who really likes Thai food. They also enjoy having friends and family over to share their love of cooking and entertainment. The soda tells me they aren’t afraid to mix up a few drinks for their guests.

Why are there so many half-used bottles of things? Does this couple start one project and move on to the next before completing the first? They’re probably not married because they’re non-committal. They can’t decide what they want. Do they like Thai or Italian? Do they want a big wedding or do they want to elope in Cabo? Decisions can be tough, but take the plunge already! It’s great to try new things but too much choice is another plague in itself, isn’t it?

Unless these people are having a dinner party of some sort, I’d say it’s time to clean out the fridge and move on with life. Take the leftovers for lunch instead of dropping $7.50 at Subway and let go of the mango chutney salad dressing: you clearly didn’t like it and it’s expired anyway. Sometimes giving yourself too much choice is a red flag that you’re not happy with your current options. They should examine their lives and take a look at what they’re not really happy with and get rid of it. Waste not, want not!

Written by: Nicolle Weeks

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Analyse This: Medicine Cabinet

Scotch Mommy — Thu, 15 Feb 2007 19:28:00 GMT

First glance

My first impression of this shelf is that it belongs to a bachelor—or, at the very least, is dominated by the male of the relationship. Not because of the shaving foam in the forefront (women do or should use that sometimes!) but because of the decidedly “neck up” theme going on here: most products contribute to the betterment of the face, hair, or teeth/breath of the owner. Now what got-it-going-on urban woman focuses in such a basic manner on her neck-up situation, virtually ignoring her southern locations? (This is where female shaving foam can come in useful, people—among other things!) I also pin this on a guy because it’s just dull and disorganized!

Analysis

So, as we all know, all neck-up guys (and what guy isn’t a neck-upper?) think that getting ready to go out means tossing on the least-wrinkled generic GAP top and pants they can find. So I guess we should be thankful they at least concentrate on the head portion of their presentation. At least then we can take them to a restaurant with a high bar to hide their neglected lower half or a movie where they look just fine hunched down in their seat. This shelf’s owner presumably leaves his bathroom looking presentable enough. I’m particularly intrigued by his attention to dental hygiene. (What is with all the new toothbrushes!? Is he good friends with a hygienist? Does he have a fear of a de-bristling emergency with his current toothbrush?) Well, of all possible neck-up intensive focus options, I suppose oral is the way to go. His oral fixation could earn him extra kisses from… his cat?! Did I dare qualify this shelf as dull? My mistake! I am positively intrigued by the presence of a pet grooming product here. And by intrigued I mean disturbed. Okay, so does the guy use this product on himself? Or—and is this preferable—simply groom his beloved *** cat in the same place and possibly at the same time that he grooms himself?! Makes you wonder just who or what this guy is “pawing” exactly. I mean, I don’t want to be catty here, but I’m getting visions that make me want to scrub down with that loofah sponge, Silkwood-style, and maybe pop some of those Tums while I’m at it. I can only hope that the “body butter” to the left is where Neck-up’s full-bodied lady-friend finally enters this picture. Just what is body butter exactly and does its presence mean they don’t even bother going out for dinner after all?

Written by: Gabrielle Domingues