Ask An Expert: Gary, He Won't Clean After Himself!
Q: I've been married for almost 8 months but it feels like forever. I have an interracial marriage. My husband and I are from totally different backgrounds.
We fight about everything from cookies to cleaning. He thinks I'm a clean freak and should just relax about everything. He doesn't realize that, I grew up in a household where you clean up after yourself. And share cleaning chores.
When we met his place was a mess but he said he didn't get much time for cleaning, but he cleans up after himself. Which of course turned about to lie and he is a major SLOB.
I don't know how to deal with him. I talk and it's as if, it goes in one ear and out the other. It's gotten to a point where I don't bother expressing myself anymore, which makes him angry. I'm ready to give up and chalk the whole marriage up to living and learning. But I've invested so much in the relationship both emotionally and financially. Help me reach across to him and have him truly understand where I'm coming from.
Please help.
A: In terms of all the things that could be distressing in a marriage, it is sad to hear that tidiness is the deal-breaker.
However, typically when one side claims slob, the other side claims obsessive.
The best way to get heard is to hear the other side first. You may have to let go your pre-conceived notion that your new household will be a mirror-image of the household you grew up in. So to make your marriage work it won't likely be fully on your terms. Thus, you will have to ask your husband what he wants of you and of the home. From there, you may open up the conversation and if you open up the conversation, you may have a hope of finding a mutually agreeable solution.
Please note, that notwithstanding the tidiness of the home, the real issue is how the two of you resolve conflict. If you cannot resolve this issue, I would wonder how you would resolve the really tough ones such as financial planning and raising a child. So sort this out and if you can't sort it out directly, see a counsellor. It may be in both your interests to learn some good conflict resolution skills.
Written By Gary Direnfeld, Host of Newlywed, Nearly Dead?
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