Classy vs. Trashy Dressing
Showing off your coochie is actually not classy
Andrew Sardone is your slice.ca gay best friend. A litte sassy with a limp-free wrist and always there to set you (um) straight on everything from fashion to the fella who did you wrong.
A recent water cooler debate at my office revolved around underwear trends for 2007. I was cruising the American Apparel website hunting for briefs and boy shorts to dress some models for a photo shoot when another staffer spying over my shoulder questioned the selection of a pair of fuchsia boxers.
“Aren’t boxers out?” she asked. I granted that seventies, porn star tighty whities were big among Toronto’s hipsters.
Our art director chimed in: “I thought going commando was the underwear fad right now?”
He had a point. A quick Google search of the biggest tabloid celebutantes reveals that underwear is so over. Paris, Lindsey, and Britney are all working no-panties-required looks and flashing their coochies at anyone with a cell phone camera. Midriff bearing, low-cut cleavage and butt cheek revealing booty shorts seem chaste next to the very-in-vogue vagina flash.
And you’d think the boys would be going crazy. The amount of self-actualized men who still find themselves waving a fiver at a strip club suggests that you should show up for a first date already half-undressed. The truth is most guys would rather not see your goodies before the bread basket hits the table and as your online gay best friend, I know exactly what they’re thinking about your barely there ensemble.
My brain might not be wired to find your lady bits alluring, but I still know how the butchest straight boy will react to that micro-mini. And while I usually like to write in plain old English, I’m prepared to pull out my dusty flamey language dictionary to deliver some sassy reviews of your haute-to-hoochie looks.
#1. The look:
A wooly turtleneck and wide legged tweed pants topped with a puffy coat.
The gay review:
Granny, I know it’s like Siberia outside but the only thing that’s going to mount you in that fuzzy look is a polar bear with low expectations (snap! snap! snap!).
The fashion tip translation:
Practical winter coats can still be svelte and sexy. Keep cozy for a winter date under a piece of tailored outerwear.
#2. The look:
A sharp blazer over a collared shirt with jeans and some statement jewellery.
The gay review:
Girrrrl, that boss lady look is making me want to get all up in your biz-ness (neck jerks in a circular motion). And that necklace is fierce!
The fashion tip translation:
Show off intelligence and a creative sense of style by customizing modern, basic pieces with unique accessories.
#3. The look:
A tube dress and plastic platform heels.
The gay review:
Honey, I hope you kept your Stag Shop receipt ‘cause those stripper shoes and sausage casing gots to be re-turned. Geri Halliwell killed Ginger Spice so why you’d have to go and bring her back?!
The fashion tip translation:
You may think you’re bringing one of his Hustler model fantasies to life, but you’re probably setting yourself up for a hump and dump.
I’m quickly running out of attitude and muscle twitches so queeny Andrew’s final advice is: Some people like to say, “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?” I prefer, “Why buy the horse if it looks like it’s already been ridden twice that day?” (Hands on hips, lips pursed.)
Written by Andrew Sardone
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